The Music of Our Life

Bearing

2011-10-03T14:56:00.028-05:00

First, let me start by saying that I loved General Conference. For those unfamiliar with General Conference, this is a time where we are invited to listen to the words of a prophet of God, and those who serve with him.This conference takes two days, and I am always buoyed up with the knowledge that God has not forgotten His people, and that because of His perfect love, He has given us a prophet on the earth today.
I was struck with many emotions at the same time as I listened to Elder Neil L. Andersen's talk, on Saturday afternoon. As a woman I have enjoyed the luxury of pregnancy, I have longed for more children through the battle of infertility, and I have been blessed with motherhood through the magnificent blessing of two adoptions.

And yet, unexpectedly, infertility sometimes stings. As I listened, I was homesick for pregnancy, which is not a feeling I have been plagued with since we adopted Henry, three years ago. Strangely enough, as Elder Andersen talked about the bearing of children, infertility sunk its teeth in and held on tight leaving bite marks that stung for a few minutes.

I kept hoping for peace as I allowed my heart to listen intently for anything to grasp on to.

As I have contemplated the glorious gift of bearing children, I have felt my heart led to the Book of Mormon, a book which I know testifies of Christ just as does the Bible. In the Book of Mormon we read the prophet Alma's words "and now, as ye are ^adesirous to come into the ^bfold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;" (Mosiah 18:8)

Peace filled my heart as I watched the way in which the Lord used the word bear in this context, and in three different contexts of my life.
When I was pregnant, my husband helped bear my burdens by succumbing to hamburgers and cheeseburgers, and chicken three meals a day for nine months. I loved being pregnant, and I didn't know my first might be the only personal pregnancy I was given. As I have gone through infertility, our marriage has been strengthened, and our burden has been borne by our families and friends through prayer, fasting, and constant support. In the miracle of adoption, I have seen the Lord's use of bearing in a different way. To bear does not just mean to give birth or produce. To bear also means:

To hold up; support
To carry from one place to another; transport
To carry in mind; harbor

To transmit at large; relate
To have as a quality; exhibit
To carry (oneself) in a specified way; conduct
To be accountable for; assume
To have tolerance for; endure
To offer; render
(answers.com)

As I have thought about the gift of bearing children, and those who have not been blessed with pregnancy, or children as of yet, I have felt strongly that there are miraculous ways in which we can take part in the Lord's plan for us to bear.

As I listened to Elder Andersen's talk, I was filled with such peace; a peace I know comes from a loving Father in Heaven.

As to personal bearing:
In my own life I have been able to assume this sacred responsibility by means of supporting, transporting, harboring,relating, exhibiting, conducting, assuming, enduring, and rendering.

I have been able to hold up and support all of my children, regardless of the way they entered our family. I have been able to render love and compassion to others children. In these ways, I have borne children. As we entered the world of infertility coupled with the miracle of adoption, I was able to harbor small glimpses of hope that our family was not done and that the Lord had not forgotten my family. In this way, I have been allowed the privilege of bearing. Twice, we have been blessed with responsibility of caring for beautiful birth mothers and assuming the responsibility for the beautiful children they entrusted to our care. In this way, I have been offered the responsibility of bearing.

Truly, I have been given many opportunities to bear.

I believe that the Lord has provided ways and intends for each of us to bear children in the way He sees fit. To those who bear children through pregnancy, and to those bear children through adoption, or to those who are bearing the hope that they will someday have children, or to those who bear all the qualities of motherhood even without the blessing of a house full of kids, I believe our obedience is looked upon kindly by the Creator of the Universe. I believe that through righteous living we will not be denied any of the promises we desire.

Yes, infertility can sting.

But, I know that the Lord crosses the galaxy to do what He wants us to do : bear

Beautiful Life...

2011-09-27T12:01:00.005-05:00

In the last 5 months life has been more than pretty crazy. I remember about 5 and 1/2 months ago not being able to sleep. I knew what I had to do. I felt it so strongly. I had to quit teaching piano lessons. I got up and wrote a letter to my students and then I slept peacefully. 13 days later, after three years of research and debating with myself , I decided to start taking prozac. It had been recommended to me by two doctors, but I was conflicted. (Do I want to take a pill every day, forever? Shouldn't I be able to cope with this on my own?) I am very open about this because I want my kids to know that this can be a real struggle, and if they are ever wondering why they have feelings of sadness for no reason, they do not have to suffer alone. It has also opened my mind to be a lot more compassionate and understanding of others around me. My life has changed completely. I sometimes go to bed with my laundry and dishes undone. But, I play with my kids a lot more, and I have not felt stress like I used to. I have not had any break downs in 4 months. I have laughed a whole lot more, and joy is a word that I feel more and more.
TENDER MERCY ONE: My life runs smoother, I am happier, I enjoy my roles as wife and mother, and I find it easier to be in tune with what the Lord would have me do. I started taking prozac the day before we decided we needed a career change which would require us to move.
TENDER MERCY TWO: Heavenly Father knows me so well, that had I not started taking the prozac before we made the big decision to move, I wouldn't have started. I would have let stress consume me, and it would have been miserable. Intellectually I understood all the talks about enjoying the little things right now, but the world war in my head was so consumed with trying to control things out of my control. I couldn't meet my own expectations, and that constantly left a brick wall that I would run into at full speed. But, when David and I talked about moving, I was filled with immense peace, and I had no worry.
TENDER MERCY THREE: Had I not listened to the still small voice about quitting piano, I wouldn't have quit.
TENDER MERCY FOUR: David got a job offers within three weeks, and Heavenly Father opened my mind to moving to Mesa. 6 months ago when we first started talking about looking for a better career opportunity, Phoenix area was not on my list.
TENDER MERCY FIVE: I knew before we left Tucson that two years there had been a short time, but time enough to allow Jacob Ladd to join our family. I will be forever grateful for those two wonderful years I got to take my family back to spend some of our beautiful life in my hometown.

So, we moved to Mesa. David moved 7 weeks before we did, and it was wonderful finally being reunited as a family.

TENDER MERCIES:

Jacob Ladd at 10 months

walking

smiling

eating everything

Lincoln Daniel at 5

started kindergarten

reads well

loves imaginative play

Henry Louis at 3

feels peaceful in the water

loves his puppy Molly

loves the park

David is now preparing to take another bar (required by his firm)

he is loving being a subrogation attorney.

Loves working on our home

and taking care of the pool.

I have felt the Lord's hand daily in our life, and I am so grateful for His gentleness, and His kindness in remembering our family.

Friday

2011-04-21T12:51:00.000-05:00

This coming Friday, our fearless two year old turns three. He has been such a joy in our family, and I am blessed to be his Mama. A lot of people have a lot of opinions about the rambunctious nature of Henry. If they could only see what I see. I love that Henry is outgoing. I love that what you see is what you get. He is active, fearless, and non-stop. But, he is equally gentle, kind, and loving without condition. I love that he gives me hugs and kisses. When I come home after a date he runs to me and yells, "Mommy, Mommy you are back?" I giggle that he tells me to stop singing so he can have a turn. I love that he wants to crawl in bed with Jacob and sing to him. I love that he follows Lincoln around. I love that he wants to be the leader of scripture study and he thinks he is so funny trying to get us to repeat what he says:

"And "
"Toot"
"poop"
"stupid"

We don't repeat most of those words, but we love that he knows he is part of our family.

I especially love when he looks at his picture on the wall and when I ask him, "Who is that?" he says, "My Henry." I giggle as he looks int he bathroom mirror and when I tell him to get off the counter he says, "I seeing who is handsome."

I listened and was filled with understanding and gratitude during Lynn G. Robbins talk at LDS General Conference:

"...Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?..." (Lynn G. Robbins)

I needed Henry. He came as a tender mercy at a very dark and lonely part of life. The Lord took me in a semi-broken state, and he filled me with sunlight. And the sunlight Henry brings is a daily reminder of how much Heavenly Father loves me. He loves me.

One thing we cannot neglect to mention is our deep and abiding love for Joanie; Henry's birth mom. She is beautiful. She is amazing. She did not have an easy life, but she has defied all odds. On May 13th, she is graduating from college. She is engaged to a wonderful man who we love so much. He takes care of Joanie and he loves her. Joanie is kind, thoughtful, strong, and our family is so grateful for her courage three years ago to make such a selfless sacrifice. We have loved Henry for three years, and we couldn't have had him without our Joanie Girl. (We love you Joanie!)

This year we were so happy to finally get in contact with Henry's birth father. When I saw his picture, it was like seeing Henry. We are unsure if he wants any contact, but it was good to have one more piece of his missing puzzle.

To Henry:
We love you Good Boy.
Tons Bit.
Happy Birthday
Mama, Daddy, Lincoln, and Jacob

Counsel

2011-04-06T01:14:00.000-05:00

In the last four months I have received some much needed counsel.
The counsel came from two different people; both men of God who have my best interest at heart.

My dad was first. I have a special relationship with my dad. I know that he is a man of God. I know that he loves my mom, and I know he loves me. So, I took it to heart when my dad counseled me to enjoy my family.
Second, and not long after my dad's counsel, my bishop counseled me to enjoy my time at home with my family.
As I have pondered this counsel, I have been blessed. Enjoying the monotony that sometimes is everyday life can be challenging. But, as I have allowed myself the humility to listen, I have received great tender mercies from the Lord.

Lincoln has offered me some of the greatest learning experiences of my life. Lincoln made me a Mama. I often look back at the pictures of his birth day, and I marvel at the newness of life; his new life and mine.
On the way to preschool one morning Lincoln told me, "if you do bad everyday you'll be sad and your heart glow will go down to darkness."
It makes me giggle a little but I know it's a beautiful description of eternal truths.

a heart full of happy.

I have had an abundance of tender mercies given to me regarding raising our beautiful, boisterous, and very busy Henry. It is often hard, and almost impossible to find a quiet minute. But, I learned an invaluable lesson one day as I was seeking the Lord's counsel, meanwhile chasing Henry. The thought came, ' Kick the ball with Henry.' Even though I was not on my knees pondering, the Lord instructed me on how to reach my two year old. As we kicked the ball, my heart was so filled with gratitude that a loving Father in Heaven could reach me with a still, small voice even amidst the earthquake.

Tonight, as I put Henry to bed we had this conversation:
Me: Henry, when you grow up do you want to be Peter Pan?
Henry: I can't be Peter Pan. I can't fly.
Me: You can't fly?
Henry: I can't fly. It's much too dangerous.

Someday soon you will realize you can fly.

Now, I am willing to bet that Jacob is the happiest baby ever. He has given me a bright glimpse into the future needs of my refrigerator. At 4 months, he was 17lbs, 8 oz. He loves to eat. He is full of smiles and laughs, and he doesn't cry unless he is hungry. He wakes up happy and laughs at his brothers. He loves the bathtub and he loves to roll himself over. He will be crawling within a month, and we look forward to July when he is sealed to our family forever.

In awe of the world.

So, today I am grateful for the love that these two men have given me through their righteous counsel. I have simplified my life, and have taken more moments to enjoy the beauty that so readily surrounds me --even when it surrounds me at 2 a.m. when they crawl in my bed.--I love my beautiful family, and I could not say all of this without remembering this beautiful day, which we will soon celebrate as 7 years.

Eternally Yours.

I know.

2011-03-08T15:06:00.000-06:00

Today, I was overcome with a lot of emotion as I watched this video. I went to visit one of my friends who shared this with me. As we cried together we shared a moment of beautiful peace that comes from believing in a Supreme Creator who loves us more than we can understand in our mortal probation.

The music bore solemn witness to my soul that He lives. He lives.

It is a witness of the love of a dad who loves his son.

It is a witness of the love of a Father who loved his children so much He sent His Son.

I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know that He loves me, and He stands waiting to help me succeed at my own race.

(Copied from youtube:)
There are no words to describe what you're about to see. It's all about HIM!

A Son asked his father, "Dad, will you take part in a marathon with me?" The father who, despite having a heart condition, says "Yes". They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on to join other marathons. The father always saying "Yes" to his son's request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his fater, "Dad, let's join the Ironman together."

To which, his father said "Yes".

For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever. The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86 kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike ride and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the coast of the Big Island.

Father and son went on to complete the race together!

Pull-Ups

2011-02-02T14:15:00.001-06:00

Houseparty.com has selected me to host a Pull-Ups Party! This means they send a big box of supplies and we have a toddler party where we share all the goodies!
If you have not received an invite and would like to come, leave me a comment!

Here are the details:

WHAT: A Pull-Upart Party!
WHO: You and your toddlers, me and my toddlers, and Pull-Ups!
WHERE: Brandi's house
WHEN:March 5, 2011, 3:00 p.m.
WHY: A perfect excuse to eat good food, enjoy great company, and take home potty-training supplies!

For more information go to :
houseparty.com/party/451376

I've Been Watching You...

2011-02-01T10:37:00.007-06:00

My oldest son is getting ready to start kindergarten. By getting ready, I mean in August. I have watched him grow, and have been with him every step of the way. This will be the first time that I turn the control over to someone else for entire days, filling most of his weeks. This is only the beginning.

This is really hard for me.
I cry.
(A lot.)
I have thought a lot about why this is? Why is this so hard? Why so many tears? Why the panic?

I'm not ready for the world to have such a big impact on my son. I'm not ready for all the hurt feelings of getting left out. I'm not ready for bullying and for kids making fun.
Mostly though, I wonder if I have taught him everything he needs to know before he goes. (I realize this sounds like he is leaving forever.)
I love this little boy, and I am not ready for him to grow up (at this point I know my mom is reading and she is crying with me because she knows this is hard for me, but she is also laughing because of how much we teased her during Sunday Sacrament Meeting meltdowns over her 14,13,11, and 9 year old kids who would be leaving the house in 4,5,7, and 9 years!)
Lincoln promises that he will always snuggle me, but I realize this won't be true forever. As he grows, he will get too tall to sit on my lap. Yes, I understand this is healthy and quite normal but today I love those snuggles and hugs where we decide afterward who is the bear.

On the positive, I look forward to PTA meetings, and being a class mom. I look forward to making treats, and accompanying class field trips.I look forward to spelling bees or baseball games; whatever he chooses to do. I look forward to watching him excel and take on challenges. And even though it seems far away, I'm sure blowing the air horn at his high school graduation will be an incredible moment in life.

Today we were dancing in our living room, and this Rodney Atkins song came on the radio. We danced and tears were in my eyes because I realize that we have done our best. WE have taught Lincoln how to be kind, sharing, compassionate, loving, and respectful. We haven't been perfect but hopefully we have been enough.
Enough growing up for one day!!!
Right now I have a future five year old to love, another future five
year old to get dressed, and a third future five year old who needs
a bottle

We love you Lincoln Daniel! Tons Bit

Sweet Two Year Old

2011-01-26T13:05:00.000-06:00

One time someone, with my best intentions in mind, said to me, "Maybe the reason Heavenly Father isn't sending you any more kids right now is because you have Henry." That being said, my feelings were not hurt. I know that while Henry is an energetic, lively, on-the-go, rambunctious, non-sitter-downer, he is also wonderful, grateful, polite, kind, and loving.
Today when we were sitting down (yes, we were sitting down for lunch) I was feeding baby Jacob a bottle, and Henry in his precious two-year-old voice started to sing,

Go da sweep

Go da sweep, Baby Jacob

An angel

um um heh-ven

Go da sweep, go now.

I giggled that instead of singing Go To Sleep Right Now, that he sang go now! But, David and I sat at the table, and as we looked at each other ,we just cried because of the strong spirit inside our Henry's body. Henry is the first to kiss things better. He loves to lock me out of the house, and ask for the password. He loves to chase me for his fruit snack and his blanket. He loves to climb out of bed and ask me to lay by him. he loves t give bear hugs, and he was born with a mischievous smile, that sometimes gets him in to trouble!

Henry, we love you so much. You are our constant reminder that God is a God of miracles, and that He loves us very much. You are a good boy Henry Louis.

Jacob Ladd

2010-12-22T16:32:00.000-06:00

We have now had Jacob in our family for 6 weeks. Our home feels complete for the time being, and the beautiful spirit that accompanies a new baby is present every day. There is something magnificent about a new baby still so connected with heaven
.
Last year on New Years Eve, my husband and I pleaded once again with the Lord for more children. Through the power of the priesthood, I was promised that in the upcoming year we would be blessed in the way of growing our family. I remember laughing (which I have repented for numerous times) and saying, "Just watch! He is going to make us wait until next December," to which my faithful husband replied, "Well at least He didn't say soon, meaning in this lifetime some time."

We got all of our adoption paperwork done, and our profile went live on my birthday in May. When we put our paperwork in for our first adoption, we were chosen three weeks later, so when three weeks passed, and then 3 months passed, and time kept going, I started to panic. I wanted another baby, and I pleaded countless times for the promise to come to pass.

In the meantime, we presented to a group of birth mothers at an adoption conference and we met Gayla. She and her husband had adopted, but they had also gone to the Czech Republic to do in vitro, and had conceived and had a healthy baby boy. In Vitro in the Czech Republic meands two weeks in Europe, in a hotel, with medications, and the procedure for cheaper than starting costs in America. So, even if it didn't work, who can complain about two weeks in Europe? Mom Johnson bought a ticket to come spend those two weeks with our boys. We were headed to Europe!

At the same time our medications got held up in California by the FDA, who would later destroy or send them back, our social worker Hannah called us.
"Brandi, this is the call you've been waiting for."
In a little disbelief, I kept great control of my emotions. "Really?"
"We have a birth mother who wants to meet you."
At this moment I think,' by the time I get back from the Czech Republic, hopefully pregnant with twins, and she is ready to deliver, she won't choose us because I will be pregnant."
Hannah continued, "She is due in ten days on November 8th. She is having a girl,(hee hee!) and she wants to meet you this Saturday." (it was Wednesday)

I was filled with so much peace. I called David, and we marveled at the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father. We debated going or staying, and finally settled on what Mom Johnson called, "a baby in hand is better than two in the petri dish." So true!

Nicole and Toni came to visit, and the time together was meant to be. The baby started to kick and Nicole said, come here and feel the baby kick. This was a tender moment for me, and I cried at the beauty of life that would soon join our family. Nicole looked at her tummy and said, "This is your new mommy." No words can express the moment that another individual offers you something you can't give yourself.

Nicole later told us that when they left, Hannah offered to give her other profiles to look at, but she declined and said that she already knew what she wanted.

We were able to go to two ultrasound appointments with Nicole before Jacob was born.

In the plan of happiness, as it relates to our family, miracles have never ceased. We have been blessed more abundantly than we could have ever asked for.

We love you Nicole. This year as we watch our big boys open their Christmas presents, we will be holding ours in our arms. We love you Jacob Ladd.

Peace

2010-12-14T11:09:00.002-06:00

In our family, each of our boys has taken on a song that we sing to them every night. With Lincoln we chose, "I am a Child of God," at the hospital, and for four years we have used that as a lullaby for him. He knows all the words, and I love that when we needs soothing or comfort, he doesn't first ask for a bandaid, he asks for "Child of God." He knows there is a peace found within a song that teaches of the plan of salvation; the plan we believe brings eternal happiness.
When we had Henry join our family, I could not stop thinking about the blessings of eternal families.
We at the Johnson house have a strong belief that marriage and family does not end at "till death do us part." We believe that a loving Father in heaven wants us to be bound together forever. My name is Brandi, and I am a Mormon. (For more information about eternal families and our beliefs, visit mormon.org) When it was time to have Henry sealed to us, I wept as I listened to the song, "I Love to See the Temple." When it talks about the eternal nature of families, I knew that this was his lullaby. He knows all the words, and it soothes him.

I was originally conflicted on songs when we brought Jacob home, because we will also have him sealed to our family next summer. But, the Lord has gently directed us through the last month. Jacob has added an incredible amount of peace to our family. He is a happy and gentle baby. During this Christmas season, I have held him so often. I am in love with this baby. I am awed at the ability of another brave young woman to make such an instrumental sacrifice, allowing our family to raise Jacob. The last few weeks as I have held him and kissed him, the words to "Silent Night," have run through my mind. I know it is his song. I hope as we sing it and as he learns it, that he too will be soothed by the gentle message of the Savior.

Music has always had a major impact in my life. It has soothed me through my most trying times, and provided peace through the troubled waters. The Lord has softened my hearth through beautiful music.

I am so grateful for the calming power of music. I believe that "music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and make sit whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

Sleeping in Heavenly Peace 6 hours at a time,
Brandi

Surrounded by a righteous generation

2010-11-19T23:26:00.003-06:00

There is a beautiful feeling in a home when a new baby arrives. Regardless of how our babies have entered our home, the newborn baby spirit is miraculous. They are so fresh from heaven, and it is easy to feel the love of a wonderful Heavenly Father, as you hold one of His precious children. This last week in our home has been filled with countless reminders of the Lord's tender mercies to our family. Miracles have been handed to us, and we are forever grateful.

My BOYS:

When we married, and started talking about children, Jacob was at the top of our pick of names. Shortly before Lincoln arrived, we knew he wasn't Jacob. We knew he was Lincoln Daniel. Abraham Lincoln and Uncle Dan are two men that he can learn from, and follow in their footsteps. They are men who have a deeply rooted belief in a Supreme Being. By following the examples they have set, he will have the ability to make the right choices; even if he is doing it alone. By learning from them, he will become a righteous young man who loves the Lord. When we found out about Henry, we talked about the name Jacob again. It was still the top of our list (and the rest of America's list too!!!), but we knew he wasn't Jacob. We knew he was Henry Louis. By being named after incredible men who love the Lord, we know that if he becomes even half as wonderful as his Papa, and Henry B Eyring he will become a righteous young man who loves the Lord.

When we were sitting in the waiting room at the hospital waiting for our little girl to be born, I had an inner conflict. I kept asking David, what do you think about the name Jacob? He kept reminding me that we were having a little girl. This conversation went on for over an hour. I could not rid myself of talking about a baby we would welcome to our family someday, even though the little girl who was coming was not yet born. The hoping for a little boy who would not be here for, what I thought was a long time, should have felt selfish but it didn't. It felt right. When Grandma Toni came to get us and said, "There is a surprise! It's a boy," peace flooded my entire body, and I know the Lord had prepared me for our beautiful Jacob. He has a strong spirit; one that I can feel as I hold him close to me. When I looked at his 10 lb 15 oz body, I knew we had our long-awaited Jacob Ladd. Not that this should come as a surprise, but he too is named after two incredible men. Grandpa Jay Ladd (Ladd being one of my favorite names for the last 6 years) and Jacob, a prophet from the Book of Mormon, have incredible faith. I know as Jacob learns from the teachings in the Book of Mormon, a book I know to be true, and as he follows the love of God found in Jacob and Grandpa's examples he will grow up to be a righteous young man who loves the Lord.

Above all, I hope my boys follow the example of my Sweetheart, David. He is a righteous man, who loves the Lord above all else. He loves me, and he loves our boys. I know as they follow in his footsteps, they will be following the example set by Jesus Christ. I know that as my sons follow the example of their daddy, they will become the men the Lord intends them to be.

Today, I find myself surrounded by an incredible army of righteous spirits. These young boys, that I get to raise, and the wonderful man that I get to spend eternity with are more than I could have ever asked for.I feel the Lord teaching me daily about the things we need to teach our children to prepare them for eternity. I feel the beautiful burden that comes with raising future missionaries, and future husbands, and future daddies. I feel the rewards of being a wife and a mother, and ...

I feel humbled by my beautiful life.

November 9th, 2010

2010-11-14T14:24:00.000-06:00

A day to Remember, and a Day never to forget.

2010-11-01T00:11:00.001-05:00

A day to Remember...

Do you remember in April 2008 when I wrote THIS post? I remember. It is a day that is forever etched in my heart. It was a day that filled us with hope, gratitude, and it was a day that reminded me how much love Heavenly Father has for his children.

WELL...

Yesterday was a beautiful day in Arizona. The sun was shining, the temperature was in the mid-70's. It was the kind of weather that people all over the country wish they were having in late October.

AND... It was a beautiful day because we met Nicole. Nicole is 38 weeks pregnant, and has made the selfless decision to place her baby girl, due November 8th, with our family.

It was a day never to forget.

Brandi, Nicole, Toni, David, Lincoln

David, Nicole, Brandi,Lincoln

Having Nicole, and her amazing mom Toni, in our home was a dream come true. Nicole is filled with happiness and joy. She has incredible dimples in both of her cheeks (which we hope baby girl has too!!!), and she has a desire to succeed. She has been through culinary arts school, and she wants to be a vet tech. She is a major daddy's girl (also hoping for this one) and she was 14 pounds when she was born (for her sake at 5'3, definitely not hoping for this!!!) She has lived a well traveled life. She told us she burns easily in the sun. But, this also shows off her cute freckles.

Meeting Nicole yesterday was another testimony of the miracle of adoption. In our home birth mothers are placed on a pedestal. Our Joanie Girl, and our new Angel Nicole will be a part of our family forever.

We already love you Nicole, and we can't wait to see what the future holds.

Love,

David, Brandi, Lincoln, and Henry

Double Post

2010-10-13T15:51:00.001-05:00

I wrote this post for the Mommy-blog I post on, and since it was a post that I couldn't stop thinking about for two weeks, I thought I would re-post it here.

Martha And Mary

Sorry for the brief hiatus. We, at the Johnson household have been struck with the flu, and with the wonderful world we call chaos. However, I have been thinking about this post for quite some time.

I have been an avid reader since I was four. When we were little kids, my mom would read stories to us on the couch at night time. She read many novels, and she would always stop at pivotal points and make us wait until the next night to hear what was happening.

Incidentally, my mom always made time to play with us, cook with us, read with us, and be with us. She was an exemplar of sacrifice.

Today, I wanted to write about a story out of the Bible. Regardless of your religious affiliation, the Bible is a wonderful piece of literature from which to gain invaluable life lessons. I believe the Bible to be the word of God, as far as it is translated correctly.

In the Bible, in the book of Luke, we learn a great lesson; a lesson that has offered me insurmountable wisdom as I have entered the world of motherhood; and I believe it teaches me what my Mom spent years and years trying to impart to her children.

Jesus had come to the village where Martha and her sister Mary were, and Martha invited Jesus into her house. While He was there, Mary sat with Him and listened. Meanwhile, Martha was busy working; probably doing all the things she felt should be done. (Any one else suffer from this???)

Then, she said (if I had said it, it would have been in a very martyr-like tone) "Dost thou care not that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me."
Jesus answered and said unto her, "Martha, Martha thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part...."

Many days of my motherhood, I have spent my time cleaning my house. I have spent time, doing laundry, dishes, ironing, and putting things away. I have really started thinking about Jesus' comment to Martha when he says. "But one thing is needful."

One thing is needful.

Right now, I have one needful thing, in the way of two beautiful children and a husband. When I am busy washing the dishes, and my four year old asks, Mama, can you play guys with me? Or my two year old asks Mama, can you get me? WHAT IS NEEDFUL?

I had a girlfriend who reminded me recently that the reason we clean is so that we don't get sick. Being troubled about many things because we are too busy doing the things we think we should do, and not enough time doing the needful things can be exhausting; Believe me.

But, I believe as we come to pay attention to the needful things, and to sit with our children and read to them, or play with them, or cook with them, or talk with them, or...you get my point, that we learn the lessons as mothers we are intended to learn.

My mom told me recently that there is plenty of time when the kids are older and leaving home to worry about the needful thing of having a clean house. But, right now...

What is needful?

While Lincoln goes to Preschool...

2010-10-01T01:41:00.000-05:00

I get to spend my day with this handsome fellow!

Who does a lot of this (RUNNING!!!)

Who doesn't do a lot of this!

Who needs a lot of these!

And who adds so much joy to our little family.

I LOVE YOU HENRY LOUIS.

TONS BIT.

First Day of Preschool

2010-09-11T22:41:00.001-05:00

"It turns out Mama,

that I'm growing up

and going to Pre-School."

That's what he said to me.

And then he went.

And, he loved it.

(outside Mrs. Malia's house)

Lincoln was born smart. I am not worried about him excelling in school, as he can already write his letters, and some of his numbers. He can read quite a few sight words, and he is really, really good at sounding out new words.

If I was to worry about anything, it would be the classroom stats: 11 boys and one sweet girl. Other than that, no worries.

He is growing up. I don't get a choice.

I hate it

and I love it

But, for as long as I can I'm holding on to this sweet boy who still lets me sing him to sleep.

I love you Lincoln Daniel.

Dear Job,

2010-09-09T15:07:00.004-05:00

Forewarning: Please understand that if you are fertile or pregnant or capable of creating children, I am happy for you. What I envy is not your child. I don't really envy actually. I desperately want my incapable body to be capable. This does not make it hard for me to be happy for you. I am honestly thrilled to see so many family and friends have beautiful children and enjoy the role of parenthood; especially motherhood. So,don't be offended or think I am incapable of feeling happy for you as I face my personal sadness. That couldn't be further from the truth.

Dear Job,

Yesterday I told my husband that I was starting to retreat into the dark spot that infertility so alluringly offers. I told him I didn't understand exactly what the Lord had promised us, even though I really did. My faith was tested, and I was a sucker for the easy way out; the way that puts all the blame on someone else, when really no one is to blame. I was disheartened and realized that I had chased away the good feelings that come when you plead with the Lord for peace. I didn't even ask for peace. Instead, I just walked down the path, deeper in the darkness, and camped out for the night. When I woke up you came to my mind so vividly. I haven't read your story for quite some time, but I knew a few things about you. First, I knew that you would never sacrifice your integrity in a moment of weakness. Second, I knew that you lost everything and still relied on the Lord.
About you it is written, In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. You grieved so much; for the loss of so much. Sometimes I ask the Lord if I have waited long enough to be blessed, and today I am humbled when I read about you. Through the loss of everything, you put your faith in the Lord.
How did you do it? How can I do it?

Sincerely,

Brandi

As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the words of the Lord: “I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee.” Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord-- James E. Faust

Thirty at 30

2010-08-26T19:52:00.005-05:00

When I turned 30 I decided that instead of mourning the loss of my twenties, I would celebrate the birth of my thirties. In my plan for life, I would have all the kids I wanted by 32, and I told my husband that was my cutting off point. Hmmmm....two adorable kids later, I am far from done, so either I need to get pregnant with quadruplets, or someone needs to pick me to adopt a sibling group, or I am going to have to change my goal. I am still undecided on that one.

I also made the goal to do 30 new things during my thirtieth year.

So far I have:

1) re-upholstered a chair
2) learned to can (I canned apple pie filling, ground beef and chicken)
3) learned how to piece a quilt together
4) learned to make homemade lasagna with homemade noodles
5) started taking a French class.
6) made it to Lifetime Member at Weight Watchers

I still want to:

1)Take a CPR class
2)learn to drive a stick shift- anyone not scared from my teenage years who can teach me??
3)learn to play the organ

That is only 9 new things.

Any ideas???

The Giving Tree...

2010-08-17T19:01:00.005-05:00

The other night I read "The Giving Tree," to Lincoln per his request. It hit me that the tree was always there waiting for the little boy to come back. The tree was constant.The little boy grew and changed, went through a selfish period, and finally ended up back at the tree. He always knew the tree was there and where to find him. Yes, the tree was constant. It reminded me of infertility. I'm pretty sure that any given topic could be related to infertility in my life. Haha!
For many months, I counted every day only to be disappointed at the end. I became angry, bitter, and spent quite some time in a dark spot. People tried to comfort me, but I refused the help; especially from those with numerous children. I went away from the constant, but I always knew He was there.
I occasionally went back, like the little boy, and told the tree I was too busy to listen but I needed blessings. The Constant always blessed me; even if it wasn't with the money I was asking for.

Recently, I have felt the anxiety that comes with realizing my youngest is a potty-trained two year old; not a baby anymore. And, the anxiety that comes with knowing my family isn't complete. I have felt the anxiety of "oh no! What if my Constant decides that these prayers that seems to be on the Heavenly layaway program finally get paid off when I'm 50, and ready to be a grandma?"

I had an HSG last week, where they gave me valium and lots of Advil. I asked if I could have a prescription for valium because it was awesome. (Consequently irrelevant, it reminded me of when my mom took valium for a surgery one time, and she said the funniest things. She also asked for more.) For some reason neither her nor my requests were granted. Consequently relevant, nothing was wrong with my body. Nothing is wrong with my husband's body. Nothing is wrong! Nothing.

So, I'm back at the tree, ready to stay planted near Him this time. I realize that all I have is because of Him, and He has always been here. There is nothing I can ask for without fully realizing that He has a plan, although, i have often informed my Constant that if His plan doesn't work out, I have an awesome plan He could look in to. No takers on that one either.

It's all in His hands. But, this presents the hard part. When the little boy grew up and realized that he was just going to stay planted by the tree,he sat there. BUT WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? I'm sitting at the tree, trying to be happy, and wondering what I do.

What do I do?

WHAT DO I DO?

Planting myself next to the tree
wondering what happens next

Brandi

Today

2010-07-21T20:22:00.002-05:00

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today would be a great day for a miracle. The last time we prayed for this same blessing, to have more babies, I was broken. I had cried almost every imaginable tear, and I was falling apart. I remember the day we held Lincoln the first time. It was a miraculous and beautiful day. His birth was the reason we were welcomed to the world of parenthood. He was perfect. Equal to that beautiful day was the day we met Henry. He was perfect. He was a tiny piece of heaven, and we felt again the miracle that comes with a baby. When I picked him up and held him close to my heart, I remember the peace that came. I remember hearing, "I have not forgotten you," and I promised that day not to let myself get broken again; not to end up in that dark spot where so many hurtful tears were shed. And, for the most part, I have kept that promise. I have expressed time and again my willingness, alongside my husband, to have faith in Thy will. I have tried to show gratitude. I have prayed earnestly for more children, and have waited month after month for another miracle. I'm not broken, but I am anxious. I'm just saying today would be a great day for a miracle.

Before and Almost After

2010-07-13T15:49:00.003-05:00

In October of 2009 I joined Weight Watchers.
My fertility doctor told me,
"You are obese... All I'm saying is if you don't want to have any more kids, and look the way you do, then stay the weight you are."
Now, as harsh as it seems, she was right.
I had extra weight.
I liked me.
My husband liked me.
I didn't want to start bringing dieting in my home
because I wanted my kids to grow up and like themselves.
But, I also wanted us to be healthy.
So, I joined weight watchers.

What's so funny, is the cliche-ness of the before and after pics. In the before pic, I am wearing old clothes and no make-up (I think I had been swimming. It was definitely not intended to be a before picture.) In the after pic, I was a bridesmaid at a beautiful wedding, so my hair was done, I had on a new dress, and makeup. But, nonetheless, here they are, in all their contrasting glory.

August 2009
165.6 lbs

June 2010
127 lbs.

Now, this post is called before and Almost after,
because I am almost done.
I want to lose about 10-15 more pounds.

Thanks for all the support and the love through this journey.
I have enjoyed buying smaller pants.

Dear Joanie! We LOVE you!

2010-07-08T15:44:00.002-05:00

THANK YOU NEWSWEEK: Birth Moms Deserve Our Respect

Why all the conversations about adoption leave out a key player.

When I gave birth to my son two years ago, I was stunned by the depth of my feelings—not the love, I expected that. It was the sense that the life of this baby was now more important than my own. I would fight a mountain lion or step in front of a truck to protect him. I would even, if I had to, send him to my parents to live, if my husband and I could no longer provide the best care for him. That doesn’t make me special—it just means I’m a mother, same as hundreds of millions of other women. No matter whether it’s staying home, going to work, raising their kids alone or choosing to leave their children in order to provide for them, there is nothing most of us would not do to ensure our childrens’ safety. And, for some Moms, giving their children the best chance at a good life means making the most excruciating sacrifice of all: placing them up for adoption.

We hear a lot about adoption, but usually only when things go wrong or a celebrity is involved. We talk plenty about the kids themselves and the selfless families taking them in—whether they’re fictional scenarios like the adoption storyline on Glee, or all-too-real news footage from Haiti, Ethiopia, or China. But our culture still seems to show so little respect and support for the women who choose adoption in the face of an unexpected pregnancy. Rarely do we focus, in a positive way, on the birth mothers, aside from picking the most relevant stereotyped assumptions: “Pregnant teen, crack addict, prostitute, trash, etc.”

For the better part of the 20th century, adoption was seen as exploitative and cruel to birth mothers. Since single motherhood and abortion were not readily accepted options, women and girls were often forced by their families into hasty marriages or hustled into homes where their babies were taken without their informed consent. But now adoption has come out of hiding—indeed, both domestic and international adoptions have become increasingly common. One would think that women or teenage girls would be able to explore this option free of the guilt and shame. But as Amy Benfer wrote last month at Salon.com when discussing the reaction to notable on-screen pregnancies: “By the end of 2008, you could be forgiven for believing there was absolutely no way to portray a young unmarried woman who happened to be pregnant in a responsible manner: Juno was too smart, funny and likable; Katherine Heigl in ‘Knocked Up’ was too pretty and too happy; the Gloucester girls were too poor and too dumb; Jamie Lynn Spears was too rich and too dumb; Bristol Palin was too privileged and too Republican. When MTV came out with ‘16 and Pregnant’ in the summer of 2009, it was more of the same: the girls were too trashy or too popular; bad mothers for dropping out of school, or unrealistic role models for other, less privileged girls, should they continue with school.”

For Elizabeth Bartholet, professor of law and faculty director of the Child Advocacy Program at the Harvard Law School, society’s distrust of birth mothers reveals our enduring bias for biological families. “It is very deeply ingrained in our society that all kids belong where they came from, it’s unnatural to give them up. So we stigmatize surrendering the child ... but most young unmarried women who give birth are not in a good position to raise their child. What if we allowed people to think it’s also natural to give their children to somebody else to raise?” Don’t believe that we’re so biased against birth moms? Do a little thought experiment with me—imagine it’s the 2008 presidential race all over again. What do you think the response would have been if Bristol Palin had announced she was having her baby but placing it for adoption? Something tells me she wouldn’t have been hailed as a real-life Juno but as a selfish promiscuous tart who doesn’t care about her baby.

To me, it also indicates a strain of our culture that is not yet ready to accept that a mother’s love might dictate placing her child with somebody else to raise and instead dismisses her as unnatural. As Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute explained to me, “Our society has lifted much of the stigma of single motherhood, but still finds it difficult to support a woman who is, as they see it, abandoning her child. These women are told: ‘How can you possibly give up your child? What kind of person could do that?’ So while adoption is listed as viable option, it’s a choice that’s rarely made.” Indeed, the number of newborn babies available for adoption has remained flat for almost two decades while the number of unmarried women having children has soared.

What if we stopped pretending we lived in a world where the traditional nuclear family is the norm and accepted birth mothers into the fold of family life? We’ve certainly managed to do that in the world of reproductive medicine where we welcome offspring as biological even if the child was the product of donated sperm and egg. And we’ve somehow managed to accept a bewildering array of familial choices from multiple stepparents, two moms, or a single grandparent. But, thanks to society’s misgivings and misconceptions about adoption, birth mothers are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. By indicating that placing a child for adoption is a selfish or painless choice when it’s not, or talking about birth mothers as if they were all crack-addled prostitutes or at the very least wayward youth, we not only limit a woman’s right to choose but also shut out the possibility that there are other people out there who would love to adopt. Why not try respecting these women as mothers able to make the best decision for themselves and their pregnancies—even if that decision is not to parent?

We just wanted to say again: We Love you Joanie Girl!!! You are our hero. We loved seeing you this week, and we are grateful for you every day at our house!

Lincoln and Henry

2010-06-16T15:59:00.006-05:00

I have laughed so much at the things Lincoln has said lately. I've especially enjoyed the sincerity he has in his prayers. As a Mama, it fills me with such great joy to be here each day as my boys learn and grow.

Here are a few of the precious moments I have enjoyed with Lincoln lately:

As of late he will start by asking for something, usually a snack, and then say, "If you say yes, I will be your friend." Well today he said, "Can I play the Wii? If you say yes I will stay little forever and snuggle you." How can you resist that?

Yesterday he asked for Diet Coke and asked me, "Is this Caffeine Free? or Caffeine full." This came as a shock because usually he tells me he likes caffeine three.

At rest time today, I went to lie down next to Lincoln. He was on my side of the bed, and I said jokingly, "Oh Lincoln! You took my side of the bed."

He said, " I'm a taker all right!" Then he told me Daddy taught him that!

When we put Henry down for a nap, Henry protested with 5 minutes of screaming. Lincoln said a prayer to help his brother. He said, "Dear Heavenly Father, Henry is really mad at Mama...In the name," I giggled and whispered, "please help him..." and he finished," Please help him to sleep."

Yesterday I was showing him cute pics of my darling Sister in law Rebecca. She is pregnant and has the cutest little belly you've ever seen. I said, "Lincoln, there is a baby right there," as I pointed to her tummy. He said, I wish we had a baby at our house. It is taking a loooonnnnggg time."

I told him we could pray and ask Heavenly Father for a baby. So he started,
"Dear Heavenly Father. Please send us a sister. Uuuuhhhh! It is taking a looooonnnggg time." Then he finished his prayer.

Last, but not least, our friends gave us a picture of Samuel the Lamanite, and Lincoln told me that Samuel was ugly. Later that night he said, "Mama, I'm sorry I said Samuel was ugly."

I've enjoyed watching Lincoln grow. He is such a good boy. We love him so much and I am so grateful he came to our family, allowing me all the joys that come with being his Mama.

Henry has become quite the talker. He went through three months of speech therapy at the end of last year because he had fluid in his ears, and his pediatrician at the time refused to put tubes in.
Now, the fluid is cleared out and he has wasted no time learning some very important words.

"Henry, would you like something to eat?"
"No."
"Do you want a drink?"
"No."
"Do you want a banana?"
"Nope! I don't want it!"

He loves going in the water and he said to his swim coach, "Soul Brother!" SHE thought it was really funny!

Henry has also started asking for his turn at scripture time and prayer time. He can sing most of the words to "I love to see the temple," and when you help him with the prayer, he is so tender with his words.

He loves Dr. Seuss' book "One Fish, two fish." He flips through the pages and says, "Oh looky, a hat. Oh looky a sad fish. Happy fish." And often when he hears the word happy, he breaks out into the "Wow Wow Wubbzy," song Happy, be happy, happy happy happy......"

Henry has been a delight. We look forward to seeing his birth mother next week. Not a day goes by that we don't think of her and love her. We are so grateful she allowed us the opportunity to raise such a handsome and wonderful little boy. He has been a joy. I have enjoyed every moment of being his Mama.

I love you boys. Tons Bit in the Whole World.

Quietsoldseparately.blogspot.com

2010-06-15T01:53:00.002-05:00

I am a writer for a new blog.

quietsoldseparately.blogspot.com

One of my girlfriends from Nebraska
(our husbands went to Law School together)
started a blog by moms, for moms.
She invited be to be a contributor.

I am Tuesdays author.
My day is called
"Tuesdays in Tucson"

If you have questions, you can write a comment on the page, or of course email.

Hope to see you all there.

Brandi

Disneyland!

2010-06-05T15:46:00.006-05:00

I haven't been to Disneyland since I was 18.
Our Memorial Day Trip was a special one.
It was David's first time to Disneyland,
and we both got to watch the magic unfold in the eyes of our children.
To see their face light up at the colors, the treats, the characters, and the never-ending fun was magical.
Having my parents there was amazing.
I don't know how we would have made it without Mookie and Papa
walking Henry around while we waited in lines.
Thanks for coming Mom and Dad.

Me and my mom!

Pre-Disney fun at the hotel.

My mom made pirate costumes for her mateys.

Of course they had to "aarrrrgh!"

Henry LAUGHED hysterically on the teacups. I think they tickled his tummy!

We've had many of these in the last four years!

The last day at Disneyland!

Me and David got to go on the Tower of Terror, which
he loved. I'm more of a Space Mountain kind of girl!

Me and my parents on the last day.

Waiting for Daddy and Papa!
the blank stare is that of two very tired boys!

The next morning when we were talking about Peter Pan, Lincoln said,
"We didn't go on Peter Pan." (He fell asleep)

We waited for 45 minutes int he submarine ride, and met some nice little girls.
Lincoln tried to impress them with this very cute trick of pulling his eyelids down.
She was very impressed. I just hope he still does this when he is 16.

Mookie and Papa

Woody spent almost the entire parade focusing on
Lincoln.
He felt really special, and was mesmerized by this life-size character. He kept asking,
"Is that the real one?"

Watching Henry as he met each character was magical.
He smiled so big each time, and it was endearing to see the overwhelming joy of a two year old.

We went on Buzz light year more than any other ride.
I don't know why.
It was really fun, and I think my Dad holds the all-time high record on the planet.

Papa, David, and Lincoln

We can't wait for many more trips to Disneyland!

Grateful

2010-05-24T14:44:00.003-05:00

I have never been one to understand
the people who say

how grateful they are for their trials.

Simply put,
I don't like trials.
I have found infertility to be
one of the hardest things I've ever faced,
and at one point,
it created the the darkest time of my life.
I felt like it sucked happiness out of me.
I cried.
I pleaded.
I tried fasting
(which was definitely a day, as diabetics don't do so hot fasting!!!)
But,
when Henry came to our family so quickly,
I promised the Lord that
I
would not forget His hand in my life.
I promised that I wouldn't allow myself to get to that dark spot again;
I wouldn't cry for days and days without asking for peace;
And, for the most part, I have done really well.

I have been reminded of the many blessings I have been given.
In the first six months of the year
we celebrate both of our beautiful sons birthdays,
as well as the day Henry was sealed to our family.

Still, I could not bring myself to say how grateful
I was
for
trials.

Until a few short months ago.

One of my sweet brothers and his wife
had a friend that
lost her baby to SIDS.
I have read of this beautiful young mother's
adventures since that tragic day.
And she is working hard;
really hard.
She is maintaining a happy home for her husband and her children.

I was not able to capture the hurt
and emptiness that happens
as result of losing a child.
Perhaps, her blog is not her place to mourn.

But, as I read
it only took a brief moment
for me to become grateful
for my trials;
my infertility.
Burying a child seems so far beyond my ability.

I pray for this young wife and mother,
that the Lord will heal her heart,
and that she will be buoyed up
during the rough spots.
And, I am grateful for the incredible teaching moment it provided me.
I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves us.
He knows us.
For this, I am so grateful.

On Turning 30

2010-05-17T10:10:00.003-05:00

I turn 30 next Saturday.

I am excited for this new decade of my life.
I remember when my mom was 30.
I was 8.
While my getting married and starting a family came later
I am grateful for all the lessons I have learned
before 30.
And, I look forward to the many lessons that I will learn starting
at 30;
among those I hope patience isn't still one of them. hahaha!

For my birthday, David took me to see
Carrie Underwood.
During the concert, I was overwhelmed with peace numerous times
and I wanted to share my Saturday night with you.

Number one:
When I was a missionary for
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
I remember a daily protection from the Lord, as I
served on His errand.
On Saturday night, my middle school principle sat in front of us.
She didn't really remember me, but she knew I was Mormon
She told me how sorry she was that
"you don't believe that Jesus is the Son of God."
I felt the same protection enter my heart, that I felt daily, 9 years ago as a missionary.
As I testified of our deep belief in the Savior of the World,
I felt an overwhelming peace that kept me safe.
She didn't believe me, but I knew the things I testified of were true.

Number two:
I love when singer/songwriters give credit to the Lord for where they are in life.
Carrie Underwood sang,"Jesus Take the Wheel/How Great Thou Art,"
(Click on it to listen to it.)
Once again, the things I knew to be true, namely:
I Believe in God, the Eternal Father,
and in His Son Jesus Christ,
and in the Holy Ghost,
entered my heart with such direct conviction.
I was filled with gratitude for where I am.
When I was growing up, I wanted the life that Carrie Underwood now enjoys.
I wanted to sing on a stage for thousands of people,
and I wanted to be famous for it.
I wanted to be adored by all my fans, and listened to on the radio.
When I listened to the concert last night,
I was reminded of my Sweetheart, and the two beautiful boys we have been blessed with.
I was reminded that I get to sing lullabies to my babies,
that my voice is heard in our home,
and that my husband and children know I love them, and they love me.

Number three:
Finally, I waited the entire time for one song;
"So Small"
(click on it to hear it)
I have put this song on my blog before.
I have listened to it over and over.
During the dark time of my infertility,
this song seemed to show up.
In January 2008, when I sobbed and told the Lord
that I felt as if I was being swallowed by the monster that is infertility,
this song showed up.
The moment, literally, Joanie made her decision to place Henry instead of taking him home,
this song started playing in the restaurant.
When my babysitter's mom called on Saturday night,
this song was playing.
I feel deeply connected to this song because it teaches
and re-teaches me about what it means
to endure well.

So far, 30 looks pretty good!

unbiased birthday

2010-04-22T16:51:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I hear parents comment ,

'I might be biased but,
I think my son/daughter is the cutest in the whole world.'

Beautiful Henry, 3 days old.

Beautiful sleeper.

One of my favorite pictures. Henry looking at his Birth Mom. Almost one.

Valentines day 2009. Sealing at the Winter Quarters Temple

Definitely not biased.
Model baby in New Mexico.

Rocky Point Aug 2009

The Magic of seeing Santa Claus. December 2009

Ever seen a happier child?

Henry running at the San Diego Temple. Almost two.

Turns out,
I'm not biased.

Happy Birthday, Henry Louis
We love you tons bit in the whole world.

And, of course, my heart is filled with overwhelming gratitude for our Joanie Girl.
Our life with Henry would not have been possible without her sacrifice.
Joanie is almost ready to graduate from college.
She is engaged to a wonderful man.
She is beautiful.
She is brave.
We love you tons bit Joanie Girl
which, of course,
is the most at our house.

Our First Attempt at an Adoption Fundraiser:

2010-04-12T19:23:00.001-05:00

Come support Our Adoption Fundraiser!!!

Indian Fry Bread / Navajo Taco Dinner

April 23, 2010

5:00-7:00 p.m.

9355 E. Wrightstown Rd.

$6.00/Adult, $3.00/Child

Standing firm

2010-04-03T15:43:00.003-05:00

Abraham Lincoln once said,
"Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm. "

Recently, I was informed that one of the most
influential men in my life
moved with his wonderful wife,
to Arizona.

He was my mission President,
(I served as a missionary for 18 months,
for the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
and he was the leader charged with
the responsibility for me and 165 other missionaries)
Now, he and his wife are selflessly
serving as missionaries again.

By observing him,
I witnessed a beautiful marriage relationship,
I saw the blessings that come from bearing a solemn testimony of the Savior,
and I was a recipient of unconditional love.

From President and Sister White,
I learned what it meant to put my feet in the right place
and stand firm.

Through their stewardship,
I was able to be molded, and refined.

I count my mission as one of the most necessary
experiences of my life; a time
where I grew up and learned
in greater abundance who
Heavenly Father wanted me to be.

I am certain that I needed to serve a mission
in order to learn how to listen,
to learn how to endure,
to struggle and
realize the need I had to
stop relying on my own strength, and instead
to rely on an
infinite, eternal, and loving Father in Heaven

I love The Whites,
and today I am so grateful for the
eternal part they have played in helping me
on this awesome journey.

A hand out...

2010-03-30T17:39:00.003-05:00

Dear Blogging world,

As you can see in BRIGHT RED to the right,
there is a Chip-In Widget to help us earn money for adoption.

I am not one to ask for a hand out,
without being willing to do whatever we can to help ourselves.

Here in Arizona, we are going to have a navajo taco/fry bread dinner
to earn money,
(time and place coming soon)
but for those of you in in other places,
we know you can't make it for the Spaghetti Dinner.

We don't expect this from anybody.
But, hopefully after a few letters to Warren Buffet and Donald Trump,
we will be where we need to be.

Joking aside, if you want to help, GREAT!
If you can't, we LOVE you anyways.

Sincerely,

The Johnsons.

Tax Return,

2010-03-26T11:13:00.004-05:00

Dear First Home We Ever Owned,

Today, we pay you off,
but, we want to
thank you for providing us such a wonderful life for three years.
Thank you for protecting us from the snow.
And even though you had a crazy sloped driveway,
and lots of mice, (lots and lots)
you were so good to us.
You celebrated so much with us.
Things like:
Lincoln turning two and three.
Being a safe place to bring home Henry, and celebrating his first birthday.
A rigorous law school extravaganza,
and a handsome attorney at the end of it all.
Our very own igloo.
You shared in some of our closest friendships,
and you were there for so many tears.
You heard uncontrollable laughter,
and you stood strong (mostly) when potty training took place.
You gave us opportunities to serve.
You allowed changes so willingly
(like a new dishwasher, lots of paint, abd new drywall)
You allowed us to struggle,
but you also rejoiced when we endured the struggle and saw the light at the
end of many tunnels.

Thank you for offering us such a great life for three years.

Love,
The Johnsons

Dearth

2010-03-24T22:01:00.003-05:00

I have been in a blogging
"dearth"
as my husband calls it.

Why?

Two little boys
who love to go to the zoo, run on the farm, jump on the trampoline, play in the goat pen, teach me how to play freeze tag, have pre-shcool time, watch movies, pour juice
plus
one extra that I watch
so that we can finish saving money for our adoption adventure!
nine piano students
who bring beautiful music; even if it is "This Old Man," over and over.
keeping house
which, by the way, is my dream come true.
I truly love cleaning the bathrooms,washing the laundry, cooking dinner, and
anything else that reminds me of the incredible roles I have as wife and mother.
Among my favorite activities are Family Night, and putting the boys to bed.
coaching my 4 year old's soccer team
haha! you'd think with 3 incredible soccer-playing brothers I would know what to do. So far we have decided on being the Lions, and we can successfully kick the soccer ball.
helping Henry learn 20 new words
through the speech therapy, he has really progressed, but our summer goal is 20 words.
starting some fertility
My body hasn't worked with previous fertility treatments, but I just want to be able to stand before my Heavenly Father someday and let Him know I did everything I could do.
weight watchers:
I have made it to minus 29.8 pounds since October 2009. I am almost at my wedding weight, and I have about 15 pounds more to go.

That's it.
anyways,
my creative brain
is on its way back.

"afar off"

2010-03-09T22:37:00.008-06:00

Have you ever read
THIS
talk?

It is by Sister Anne C. Pingree.
During our companionship scripture study last night,
we read this talk,
and we were filled with the Spirit.

She tells of two Nigerian Sisters who walked
18 miles to renew their faith;
to promise the Lord that,
they would be strong
brave,
and courageous.

As David and I prepare to jump on the adoption train again,
I have to remind myself, that
having complete faith in the Lord,
and His plan,
and His timing,
is
what will
guide me through each day.

I believe in adoption.
I pray for successful adoptions to take place,
and I plead with the Lord to bless our family.
I believe that my divine roles are to be a wife and a mother.
I cherish these roles every day.
But, the test of faith
is allowing the Lord to work
His timetable in my life
(even when I think my chain of events for my life looks good already!)

Sister Pingree says:

"Each day our righteous living can demonstrate a faith in Jesus Christ that sees beyond mortal heartaches, disappointments, and unfulfilled promises. It is a glorious thing to possess a faith that enables us to look forward to that day “when all that was promised the Saints will be given"

I know that the waiting game sometime feels
disappointing,
heart-breaking,
and sometimes you start to wonder if the promise will remain unfulfilled.
I've felt that before.

I remember getting to the point
where I had pleaded, prayed, fasted, visited the temple,
and finally realized
it was
ALL
in the Lord's hands.

She continues:

Sometimes those blessings in our lives
that we have yet to receive
lie beyond the scope of mortal eyes.
I testify that it is always faith
that allows us to see
“afar off” with spiritual vision
all that God intends for His children.

Oh how I wish that adoption, and life in general, came with
the ability to see beyond the scope of mortal eyes.
Just once
to look and see
how long we would need to wait,
plead,
pray,
and wonder.

She adds what really penetrated my heart:

Faith is the most personal reflection of adoration for
—and devotion to—
our Heavenly Father and
His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ.
Anchored by this first and all-important principle
of the gospel, we look to our Savior,
knowing “Jesus [is] the author and finisher of our faith."

"Faith, the spiritual ability to be
persuaded of promises
that are seen “afar off”
but that may not be attained in this life,
is a sure measure of those who truly believe."

It is my quest to be a Believer;

I love my Heavenly Father. And I love the Savior.
I feel deeply grateful for the
Lord's hand that has been so freely offered in my life.

I remember holding Lincoln the first time,
and being overcome with pure joy;
a joy that was given by
the Lord who allowed me to become a mother;
a joy that is still so easily found in his smile and his I Love You.
That first moment will forever be etched in my heart.

I remember the first moment I held Henry.
Not yet legally mine, but still a perfect baby boy,
I remember tears freely falling, and being
overwhelmed with a peace that I have never forgotten.
a peace sent so abundantly from on high;
a peace that sent the assurance that
the Lord
knew me;
a joy that is still felt daily in his laughter
and his kisses.

I know that
HE
knows
my eternal family.

it is my quest to remain a believer
and it makes this new adoption journey a little easier
with the understanding that the
Author and Finisher of my faith,
the Creator of worlds,
and
the Architect of the universe,

knows me.
He knows my name.

San Diego

2010-02-13T15:15:00.006-06:00

Lincoln turned 4 on Monday.
I don't know why it is so hard for me
that my babies grow up.
I look forward to the independent,
strong,
brave,
valiant young boys we are raising
to grow up
and be just those things.
But, it is still hard that they grow up.
I love all the snuggles,
and as much as my sweet 4 year old
promises we will always be on the same team
and he will always give me hugs and kisses
and he won't ever stop snuggling me,
I know that someday that might not be the case.
So, I have turned in to me mom, and I cry
that my kids are eventually going to be 18 and move out of the house.

For Lincoln's birthday, I found $25 airplane tickets.
So, we went to San Diego.
And, my parents met us there to celebrate.
We had an amazing time,
and I have decided that vacations to California
are a necessity.
I'm serious.
Our family at the San Diego temple.

Mookie and the boys.

Mookie, Papa, Lincoln, and the starfish.

Henry listening to Papa read
"Five Little Monkeys."

Linc, Mookie, and Papa

I love this picture, because this is what my life is made of.

The man who gave him his dimple.
Love you Papa.

Trying to get a family pic.

Mookie encouraging jumping in puddles.
Henry loved it.

Our navigator, who only wanted to see the tigers.
We walked about 50 thousand miles,
and there was ONE tiger.

Henry running around the San Diego Temple.

Me and My Mom.
(Why people can't accept that I'm adopted is beyond me...hahaha just kidding!)

Henry, Papa, Mookie, and Spunky.
(notice Henry smiles in the pictures where he is on the go, and
he is not quite as thrilled when being contained!)

Lincoln, Papa. Mookie, and Buzz

Happy Birthday Linc.
We love you Good Boy.

in Heavenly Peace

2010-01-31T21:53:00.007-06:00

Silent night...

Holy night...

All is calm...

YEAH RIGHT.

On Friday, Henry started sleeping in a bed. For those of you who know Henry's sleeping habits, you'll know how monumental this was.

Henry ONLY sleeps in his crib. EVER. No naps on the couch, or curled up in someone's arms. Even pack-n-plays are miserable for Henry; he always puts up a really good fight before giving in to one of those.

So Friday night was a long night. And last night was even longer (Brandi doesn't remember it that way). Last night, I went in and lay by his side for half an hour. I got a good nap in, but when I finally woke back up, Henry was still wide awake right next to me.

Don't get me wrong; once he falls asleep, he actually does very well. He still sleeps in until well past 8 o'clock (one of the reasons we love him so much :D).

Tonight we after some cuddling and stories, we left Henry and Lincoln in the same bed. As Brandi was shutting the door on our two still-very-awake children, she whispered to Lincoln, "sing Henry some songs..."

She closed the door and we listened as Lincoln sang "I am a child of God" to his little brother. He finished singing, and that was the last noise we heard from their room.

For an hour.

So we went back in and this is what we found:

It was one of those experiences and sights that just melts a Daddy's heart. I love you, my angel babies.

P.S. You can't see it really well in the picture above, but YES, Henry got a haircut (boo haircuts!) Here's a better pic:

how long has it been?

2010-01-28T12:39:00.003-06:00

Have you heard this masterpiece?
It's one of my favorites.
When I was in high school,
I begged my choir teacher to let me be an alto.
He put me as a first soprano.
The soprano that sang 2 and a half octaves above middle C
at the end of all the jazz songs.
Now,
after a few years being graduated from high school
I know why.
But, maybe in my older age/next life
I can sing these powerful notes,
and these powerful words.
But, until I can,
enjoy
THIS.

Once again,
prepare yourself for peace.
Overwhelming
perfect
peace.

Free of doubt,
free of fear.
I'll do whatever it takes
to stay
In His embrace.

Another tender mercy.
I am so grateful.

Let HIM heal your heart.

2010-01-27T13:39:00.003-06:00

This post is going to be about
my brothers
revelation
infertility
and a forewarning.

First, the forewarning:
Don't judge me because of this post.
Don't assume that because two of my incredible brothers
just had babies,
that I am feeling sorry for myself.
Don't assume that I am filled with jealousy or envy.
Please understand that infertility is a tender subject;
one that affects the Johnson household;

Second, my brothers:
Realize that my brothers and I are 4 kids in 5 years, and so because of that,
and the fact we are all married,
our lives are all very similar in some ways:
We all have incredible spouses
and agree that my spouse is the best
(haha...if any of my brothers read this, they will totally get it!!!)
We served missions within the same few years
We went to college during some of the same years
we are starting our families at relatively similar times.

This being said,
once again
do not assume that
their happiness is what makes me sad.
Nope, their happiness fills me with happiness.

To be perfectly clear:

Hearing that my little brother Dan, had become a dad,
was a sacred and a beautiful moment.
It made me remember the joy of holding a perfect little baby the first time.
I was overcome with joy.
The tired phone call that included a beautiful giggle from him saying,
"sis, she is so pretty, and we are so happy to have her," made my eyes fill with tears.

My older brother and I got are 12 months and two weeks apart.
We got married two weeks apart.
We became parents within a few months of each other.
When he came to me with a big hug and said,
"You are a mommy,"
I was overcome with joy at the tenderness of the moment.
When he became a daddy,
I knew our sons would be good friends.
We have enjoyed talking about bed time, potty training, and other parenting techniques.

My youngest brother does not have kids yet,
but he almost has a PhD,
and he has Gus Gus.
We love that puppy.
My brother's capacity to love
has always astounded me.
He worked EFY with me
before his mission.
Some may not realize what an incredible and amazing
miracle that is, but EFY as a general rule doesn't hire pre-missionary boys.
His first week, he had naughty naughty boys, that were his same age.
He loved them, and he knew the importance of teaching them simple doctrine.
I know he will be a great dad someday.

Third, revelation and infertility:

The Lord has promised that I will have more kids.
He has been very clear with me about this promise.
For that, I am extremely grateful.

But, last night, I was weary.
I have been ready for another baby
for over a year.
to be perfectly honest, I have been ready for triplets
for 3 years.
I have sincerely asked the Lord for children,
and three quarters of me really believes that 6 at a time would be great.
But, for some reason,
unknown to me
the Lord has withheld the numberless concourses of children in my home.
please don't think for a second that I am showing ingratitude for the incredible, and valiant future missionaries who love the Lord, and are good boys,
that we are raising in our home.
We love them.
We are in love with them.
But, longing sometimes takes over
and, last night I was weary.
I believe that our family will increase soon.
soon, being a relative term,
No, I AM NOT PREGNANT
NO, WE HAVE NOT BEEN CHOSEN BY A BIRTHMOTHER
but,
last night I was tired,
and I wanted specifics.

Yes,
I wanted to know the day we would have another baby.
I wanted an answer last night, within seconds of an Amen.
I wanted to be rid of the trial of patience and faith
(haha!!!)
and just know.

But, the Lord didn't give me that.
He let me cry,
and as I separated myself, for just a moment
from the beautiful blessing of the Holy Ghost,
I realized that I needed to be
humble
patient
full of love
(Yes, thank you King Benjamin)

So,
I apologized,
and then pleaded for those things
that moments earlier
I did not want any part of.

And, today, out of the blue,
He dealt
gently with my longing.
He buoyed me up
amidst the sea of infertility.
He spoke to my heart.
He pierced my soul, and I was flooded
with the overwhelming love that
I pleaded for.

As I sat at the piano and played a song that deals with the changing heart of sin,
I was filled with how the Lord understands
ME.
while I was not in the same position as
perhaps the sinner in the song,
the cure I needed was exactly the same:

LET HIM HEAL YOUR HEART.
Tyler Castleton:
(click on the title to listen to the words)

who can know the heartache you are feeling deep inside
who can know the burdens you've carried all your life?
Darkness fills the daylight and the road is much too long
Where are heaven's answers and the strength to carry on?
when the night is lonely, and your pride and fear depart
when the tears have fallen, and the questions fill your heart
Think of How He loves you, how He longs to bring you home
Reach out for His guidance.
He has walked your path alone.

Let Him heal your heart,
Remember every promise He has made
Reach into your soul,
forsake a life of sin
and, He will shine the light inside again.
Let Him help you start
To live again,
and feel His endless love.
Let Him hold and teach you
Love and reach you
Let Him heal your heart

bum bum bum bum bum....

2010-01-20T10:22:00.003-06:00

I have been doing pilates for 12 weeks.

I have some amazing girl friends
who
LOVE
to do pilates with me at crazy hours of the night and day.
I have also recently acquired a jogging stroller, and
my boys LOVE to go for runs.

So, you might wonder, why the love for exercise?
I like to exercise.
I exercised all growing up,
through college, and while David went
through Law School.

but more importantly,

4 months ago,
I went to see a fertility doctor.
Among other things she said
"you are obese."
it was a plain and simple statement.

You know what?
I can look at a weight chart and see that I had some weight to lose,
and so it didn't hurt my feelings.
OBESE was a little harsh, but nonetheless,

I TOLD HER:
that I liked the way I was
(and I meant it.)
I like me.
I know my husband likes me.
I didn't want weight to be an overwhelming issue in our home.
I wanted
for my kids to be healthy,
AND like who they were in the process.
(Especially where young women will be concerned, as it relates to my boys--
I want them to date and marry girls who KNOW who they are in the beautiful plan,
and who like themselves.
When my boys are 16,
I still want them to look in the mirror and say,
"I am handsome. I look amazing!")

BUT, then Dr C.
said something that stung a little

"Well, all I'm saying is, I have all the kids I want to have.
If you don't want to have any more kids, and you want to look the way you do,
then stay the weight you are."

Ouch.

So, I became motivated.
Thanks to one specific girlfriend,
who is a weight watcher super star,
and a couple of neighbors,
who LOVE pilates
I found the inner desire to do what I needed to do.

After all,
If what the doctor was saying was true,
then I should be able to get pregnant this year!
Hopefully she's right.

if not, I know a great lawyer
haha.

That being said:

I feel so happy, and I have learned
that
food is not a weakness for me.
I don't eat when I'm sad, or stressed,or emotional.
I just needed some basic guidelines, which I have received now,
to inform me on what is the right amount of food to eat!

I am half-way through my weight loss journey.
I have lost 19.4 pounds in 12 weeks

and I will laugh so hard, if you tell me I look good from this picture.
Before and after pictures coming in a few more months.!
Stay tuned!

Every Day Dream Job

2010-01-14T20:24:00.006-06:00

Today,
I just wanted to post some pictures of our family.
we are loving life in Arizona.
This is the first calendar year of our marriage, that we have
not been in school.
David is a real-timer ;
the most handsome attorney Pima County has ever seen.
and,
I honestly could not ask for a better job.
Playing house is the dream of so many young girls;
it was my dream too.
and I am glad that I am at a point in my life
with a college degree
having served a mission
having traveled as much as I could
married to my best friend,
and my number one fan forever,
and
now
I
get to stay home
and see my boys when they wake up
and kiss their perfect,dirty, little-boy faces,
and give them tubbies,
and read them stories
and play with bugs and cars,
and learn cool tricks,like climbing trees,
and jumping on to the couch from the coffee table,
and sing to them before I lay them in bed,
and laugh when they laugh

AND

I get to be home
and look good
(let's be honest, I always comb my hair, and put a clean shirt on,
and freshen my make-up before David gets home, so he can remember the girl he dated,)
and make dinner,
and iron clothes
(I love doing that)
and pack his lunch,
and clean the bathrooms
and get the first kiss when David gets home.

What else could one girl ask for?
I feel incredibly blessed every day.
We know it is time to keep building our family,
and our first adoption interview with LDSFS is February 5th,

but in the mean time,

ENJOY my life;
my full-time job;
my dream job!

Dear Birthmother

2010-01-12T18:01:00.004-06:00

Dear Birthmother,

We still think about you,
whoever you might be,
every day.

We are praying for you.

Whatever you might be going through,
no matter what support you have elsewhere,
you will always have us.

We want you to be part of our life.

We love you.
We hope you are close to finding us.

Seriously,
as we have tried to place ourselves in your shoes,
we realize that the selfless decision you are making
has not been made lightly.

We know you are making a decision, that hundreds of others could not make.
Thank you for valuing life.
Thank you for loving your sweet baby this much.

We love you
Tons Bit
(that's the most at our house.)

The Johnsons.

January

2010-01-06T20:27:00.003-06:00

Well, today is a good day
to get excited for babies.
Before you get too excited.
this is not a post about babies for me and David,
it is however a congratulations for:

my sister-in-law Amy
having baby #4,
a girl, in a few weeks,
and my
sister-in-law Tina
having baby #1,
a girl, in a few weeks.

We love you girls so much.
You have been incredible sisters,
and we are so blessed to have you in the family.
Thanks for helping my brothers to be the best they can be.
I always thought my brothers were perfect,
and it has been amazing to see that they are capable of gaining even greater qualities because of you,
their spouses.

I love being a Mama.
It is the greatest calling we, as women, will ever have,
second only to being a wife

I believe that the mother heart,
regardless if one has kids or not,
is something that binds us together.
It is a blessing that we receive by divine design,
and I am so grateful that we can all share in it together.

I think what is awesome, is that even though I didn't have sisters growing up,
I inherited sisters through marriage.
I am blessed to have 5 incredible sisters now.

I have written about all of them before, and I truly feel
the Lord has blessed me
with friendship beyond measure
with laughter
with happiness
with beautiful memories
because of these,
my sisters.

Dear Birthmother

2009-12-28T17:45:00.003-06:00

Dear Birthmother,

Here we are again.
We have been thinking a lot about you during this
Christmas season.
We can't make it through the holiday, of course,
without reflecting on the sacrifice of the Savior.
He gave His life for us.
He gave us more than we could give ourselves.
He loved us perfectly.
It would take more than a lifetime to understand His perfect love.
And yet,
as we reflect on the decision you are making,
we recognize your decision as another incredible sacrifice.
Your decision to love someone else more than you love yourself,
is beautiful.
To offer someone more than they could otherwise have,
is truly amazing.
Your decision to be so selfless at this time
emulates the Savior,
and we are eternally grateful for you.

We know we haven't met you yet,
but we already love you.

Merry Christmas
and a
Happy New Year.

December

2009-12-11T14:01:00.002-06:00

We are going to be gone for a week!
We are headed back to
Nebraska
(actually Iowa, we couldn't break Lincoln's heart when he asked if it was Nebraska)
when we said it WAS Nebraska
Lincoln responded:
"Dad, we don't live in Arizona anymore."
"What?" David said
"Grandma is coming to get us and take us back to Nebraska."

We haven't had the heart to break the news, that
this is just a visit.

But, until we blog again--Merry Christmas.

Our Favorite Art

2009-12-04T12:56:00.005-06:00

I admit. I got the idea from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

But I LOVE the idea of having the walls of our home covered in beautiful pictures of our family.

So, last week, I printed three pictures at 16x20 (only $6 a piece at Costco!), put them into beautiful frames, and hung them on our wall.

I love them, so I thought I would share them:

They hang on the wall above our vintage 27" tv.

Recently one of our dear friends came over and asked, "How does anyone ever watch TV? It's impossible not to stare at those pictures."

I couldn't agree more.

Emma.

2009-12-01T11:35:00.004-06:00

My sweet neighbor,
who just returned home from and incredible mission
for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints,
came over and shared this beautiful song with our little family.

As we get ready to start the adoption process again,
I hope I can have the strength, and the faith that Emma did;
as she weathered her storms with a
Queen's Grace.

I hope that when it seems like the world is on our shoulders
and the nights grow colder,
that we can stand strong together.

Thank you Sister Emma, for your example.

Dear Birthmother

2009-11-29T20:03:00.003-06:00

It's time to bring back our letters to

our next beautiful birthmother,
wherever and whoever she might be.

Dear Birthmother,

How are you today? We are doing great. We can't wait to meet you. We want you to know we love you. We pray for your courage to strengthen you . We honor and reverence the decision that you are making, as we know that the building of our family means that a great sacrifice has to be made; a sacrifice that you are making. We don't yet know who you are, where you have come from, or what your life plans are but we love you. We know that the biology of our family is made of courage, valiance, and a love that endures. Find us soon. We are looking for you.

The Johnsons

Believe.

2009-11-17T08:39:00.008-06:00

Mama: Lincoln, the phone is for you

Lincoln: Hello?

Me: Who is it Sweet Boy?
Lincoln:

Lincoln: Yes! I have been nice to my brother
and I've been good for my Mama.

Lincoln: I want a transformer.
(apparently the yellow one called Bumblebee)

Lincoln: I love you too, Santa.

A moment in time

2009-11-11T20:50:00.006-06:00

I love being a mom.

I always wanted to be a mommy.

When I found out I was pregnant
with Lincoln,
I was ecstatic.
I was in love with this tiny human
that I held close to my heart
for so long.
The first time I held him, I was overcome with emotion.
I knew that a loving Father in Heaven,
had shared a tiny piece of heaven with our family.

When infertility hit,
my desire to be a mom didn't go away.
The desire to be a mother, was known
to the Lord.
Through fasting,
prayer,
and daily pleading
He
provided a way.

In fact, in July of 2007,
the desire to fill out adoption paperwork
was so overwhelming,
as the Lord spoke to my heart
as He spoke to David's heart,
and we knew it was time.

When we met Joanie,
we fell in love with her.
She was the Angel Mother
for our Henry boy.
The first time I held Henry,
I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of
the selflessness and sacrifice shown by
our Joanie Girl.

We love her so much, and we pray for her daily, and
thank our Heavenly Father for her ability to love Henry
as much as she does.

that being said,
the time has come again.

to fill out adoption paperwork.

Families are Forever.

p.s. the song I wrote for our beautiful birthmothers is on my right sidebar called,
"It's about Love."
Enjoy.

I LOVE Forever

2009-11-06T13:41:00.006-06:00

Ever since I met David,

November has had a special place in my heart.
It reminds me of the wonderful time
David and I courted.
the first time he held my hand
the first kiss,
the first I Love You.
the first "not a no-keep going-you are going to love what I have in store for you with this wonderful man" from the Supreme Matchmaker
the first David Roast
(if you haven't had it, you should)
the first invitation to go to his parent's home with him
the first heartache that meant we would be apart at Christmas.

On this particular day, 6 years ago
David told me he could imagine holding me
FOREVER.

He hasn't let me down.

In fact,
the same gentle inviting arms have held me through countless
moments.
While we were courting, they held me, and we longed for Forever.
In the temple, the day we got married, we held each other and thought about our new
Forever Life;
there was a lot to take in, but forever seemed wonderful.
When we found out we were expecting Lincoln, we hugged with the joy of being Forever parents.
The day we graduated from college we held on to the hope that for forever we would be able to be instruments in the Lord's hands.
When infertility hit, the holding was more frequent and a little tighter, to let me know
that Heavenly Father had promised us forever, and He wouldn't forget us.
The day, we were chosen by our Joanie Girl, we held on tight, and realized the Forever that comes from the Lord's hand, when we have done all we can do.
Today, David held on to me as he said goodbye for work.

Yes,
On this particular day, 6 years ago
David told me he could imagine holding me
FOREVER.

He hasn't let me down.

Here's to an eternity of Forever Holding!

Personal Space.

2009-11-03T09:30:00.008-06:00

Having worked many years for
Especially For Youth
you become a little desensitized
to personal space.
Most of your days are spent hip hip hooraying,
loudly,
regardless of how close your nearest neighbor is.
Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, HEY!
It's. Amazing.

6 years ago in August,
I had finished
14 straight weeks of EFY.
that was 24 hours a day with the awesomeness of youth.

and,

I had come to accept that I had no issues with personal space.
There is comfort to be found in being so close.

Then, it happened.
I met the man of my dreams.
the man for whom I pleaded.
the man for whom I longed.
the man for whom I lived my life righteously.

David Earl.

Suddenly, in his presence, I started to
flush when he was close to me.
it was the time our foreheads were touching.
and I could feel his lips talking to mine.

Too close for comfort.
But not yet close enough, for fulfillment.

you know it must be real, when suddenly you have decide that the
alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, hey of your personal space
is something you want to share
instead of something you just share freely

6 years ago today
something magical happened.
David asked me
how I felt about him.
(I had told him not to kiss me until he was sure he really liked me. and I knew what was coming because he liked me six years plus the day before yesterday ago, and he just wanted to make sure I liked him.)
And of course,

I told him I really liked him.

(what's not to like in a package of ultimate perfection? seriously.)

And then,

He kissed me.

and since that day,

I am eternally grateful to share my
personal space

with him.

I love you David.

Here's to an eternity of kisses and personal space.
(the night before our wedding)

I'm So Glad When Daddy Comes Home.

2009-10-26T13:04:00.004-05:00

]

I'm So Glad When Daddy Comes Home!

Glad as I can Be.

Clap my hands
And shout for joy,
and climb upon his (back and the back of his knee)

put my arms around his neck
hug him tight like this

pat his cheek

Then give him what?

A
great Big big wrestle on the ground!

(Well, we were close, right???)

He didn't pass

2009-10-09T09:55:00.007-05:00

HE DIDN'T PASS.

It's impossible to get him to talk about it,
so please don't call.

Now I know what you are thinking:
I am probably thinking the exact same things.

But, he has worked so hard.

TRUE.

He has given so much

TRUE again

The amount that he has given to the family to keep them happy, comfortable,and to keep them going(literally) is immeasurable

Don't I Know It.

However:
we were told that with

A LITTLE MORE devotedness
to what actually needs to be addressed,
(are you kidding me?)

some tender, loving care
(for crying out loud!!!)

and

some more money
(we don't have a money tree!!!)

He

would be able to pass

the next time.

DARN EMISSIONS!

IN OTHER GREAT
AND IMPORTANT
JOHNSON NEWS:

THIS HANDSOME MAN PASSED THE BAR.

way to go Darling.

We are so proud of you.
I heard this song to day and thought about you.
Haven't we felt this?
I love you David Earl!

Dear October...

2009-10-05T10:19:00.004-05:00

Dear October,
I never doubted you would come.
But, I am so glad you
finally showed up.

Thank you
for the beautiful leaves
(yes, even in Arizona)
and cool weather.
(Who says 77 at night time isn't cool?)
and reminding me
that this month
6 years ago
I met
my Eternal Companion.

Thanks for being here

Also, look at these beautiful blessings.
October 2009

Mine.

2009-09-23T18:30:00.002-05:00

I remember the first time I saw David, in August 2003,
He was wearing a white church shirt, and yellow and blue suspenders.
I remember hearing him talk, and thinking "He is really smart."
People around him were happy.
They were smiling.

I wanted to know him.

Lucky for me, He wanted to know me too.

The first time he kissed me,
I went in my apartment and collapsed on the floor
and said, "I could die a thousand deaths,"
My roommates just laughed and
rolled their eyes.
They must not have known how good my life was going to be.

I did.
and I was right.
Only,
it keeps getting better.

Everyone I know that knows David
knows that he is amazing.

I remember being at his Law School Graduation,
and being part of a standing ovation that congratulated
David
(and a few others...but really for us, David)
on his accomplishment.
He worked his entire life for this.
It was his day to shine.
WE cheered for him
(even though we weren't supposed to)
because he was our dream come true.

I am in love with my husband.
Ask any of my family and his family
and they will tell you

that I think he's perfect.

I do not stray from this belief.
He is perfect.
perfect for me.

He uses phrases like
"I wait with bated breath..." to describe his desire to be sealed to me forever.
and "I only hope it's long enough," when we talk about forever.

He smells like
Old Spice : the one with the green label,
and I admit sometimes after a long day
I steal his shirt and put it on
because I love to smell him.

When he winks at me, it's the kind of wink
that shuts out all the rest of the dancers,
offering us our own stage:
just like in Jane Austen movies

His eyes
sparkle when I make his lunch and dinner,
cry when he thinks about our great nation,
and smile when our sweet boys laugh

and when he calls me Brandi Ann,
my heart jumps a beat
because
I know I am his,
and he is mine.

Today as I was driving
I heard this song
and it was the perfect
embodiment of how I feel
about my Sweetheart.

I love you, Darling.
My Only Life.

Blessings

2009-09-21T16:18:00.003-05:00

I love being a wife.
I love being a mother.
These two callings have been my dreams
forever.

Yesterday in Sacrament Meeting
I led the primary children
as they sang their hearts out
for the primary program.

There was one 11 year old girl,
who is adopted,
who shared her testimony of
being sealed to her parents
in the Hong Kong Temple.

The last thing she said before she sat down was
"I Love to See the Temple."

Then the little angels
sang "I love to see the temple,"
with all their might.

They sang.
I led.
I bawled.

"I Love to see the Temple.
I'm going there someday.
To feel the Holy Spirit
To listen and to pray.
For the temple is a House of God,
a place of love and beauty.
I'll prepare myself while I am young.
This is my sacred duty."

I used to write letters to my husband before I ever knew him,
promising him that I would be obedient, and
asking him to be obedient too.
I pledged my love to the future husband, who I knew would
allow the Lord to help mold him
into a choice man.

I remember the day
I knelt across the altar from my Sweetheart,
and we promised each other forever.
He made me a wife.

I cherish this role, and
look forward each day to spending eternity with the man
who kept himself virtuous and of good report.

I also used to write letters to my children,
before they were born,
promising them that I would live my life so that
they could come to a home filled with the gospel; with happiness.

I remember the day my Lincoln was born.
He made me a mother.
I remember his chubby little cheeks, his dimples, and all his hair.
As I held him, I felt the love the Lord had for this little boy.
I cherish my role as his mama.

"I Love To See the Temple, I'll go inside someday
I'll covenant with my Father.
I'll promise to obey.
For the temple is a holy place
where we are sealed together.
(that is where I lost it)
As a Child of God, I've learned this truth,
A Family is forever."

I remember 17 months ago, the day our,
tiny, beautiful little Henry was born.
As I held him and fed him his first bottle,
I knew the Lord loved him.
Sweet baby boy just loved to be snuggled.

And then, Valentine's Day
of this year,
when we took him to the
Winter Quarter's Temple
and he was promised a forever family,
I remember the Lord testifying to me of eternal families.
I cherish my role as his mama.

For each day, of both of our babies lives, we have sung
"I Am a Child of God."
We sing this to teach them of their divine importance.
It is the most requested song in our home.

While they are young, they still know the happiness that comes from basic doctrines like:
I Am a Child of God, and
I Love to see the Temple.

To end the program, the primary children sang a new song,
which is not yet in the
primary songbook.
"The Family is of God."

Honestly, the first 12 times
I listened to this song,
tears streamed down my face,
because I'm a big time cry baby,
but mostly because
this song comes right from the proclamation to the world.

Often, I bore my testimony to the primary children,
that the Lord would bless them with all the promises, in the proclamation,
as they kept the commandments.

They sang,

"The father's place is to preside, provide, to love and teach the gospel to his children.
The father leads in family prayer, to share, their love for Father in Heaven."

"The mother's purpose is to care, prepare, to nurture and to strengthen all her children.
She teaches children to obey, to pray, to love and serve in the family."

"God gave us families, to help us become what He wants us to be
This is how he shares his love.
For the family is of God."

As tears streamed down my face,
I felt an overwhelming love.
It was the love I felt the day I was married,
the day Lincoln was born,
and the day Henry was sealed to our family.
I knew Heavenly Father had blessed me
more than I could have ever dreamed
by allowing me to live in a home where
David takes the lead in family prayer, family scriptures, and Family Home Evening,
and where I get to teach my boys to love the Lord.

I am so grateful for the blessings I have been given.

A smorgasbord of my life.

2009-09-17T12:07:00.005-05:00

Last night every sense in which humans are capable of having
(you know:
sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing)
exploded at my house.

in a good way.

Smell and taste were very prominent.
But the hints of sight, touch, and hearing
were not far behind.

Last night we fed the farm.

That means that we created dinner for the three families that live on the farm.

We had home-made chili,
baked potatoes that had been rolled in oil, salted, and poked, then baked,
green salad with bacon,
and fresh banana bread.

Life smelled so good last night.

it tasted even better.

We listened as our sweet neighbor M blessed the food.
The dinner table was set with summer dishes,
brightly colored to encourage summer to last one day more.
We shook hands, symbolizing friendship, almost-family,

We sat and talked.

and it made me

remember

that my life has been compiled of the many senses
yes, the days of my life have been created from
beautiful and dark colors
like the Arizona sunset
and the blackness of lonely days.
on-key and off-key tones
like Martina McBride singing Blessed
and the sting of an unkind comment
gentle and firm hands
like a righteous priesthood holder
AND
delicious and not-so delicious gourmets
like white chicken lasagna
or
alligator or horse, for that matter.
and inviting and off-putting smells.
like newborn baby after a tubby or coffee.

Things such as:
the reason I still can't stomach much fish
because it automatically reminds me of
the one time I ate my Grandma's fish
and it made me throw up.
I was 10

The taste of Snickers
One of the first things I ate when
the diabetic research changed and
now instead of cutting out sugar
we counted carbohydrates.

The inner conflict
of movie popcorn.

Seeing my mom's grateful
smile, and hearing her excitement
after I swept the floor
because
"House"
was my favorite game when I was 7,
and then standing next to my mom making cookies
that made my make-believe house come to life.

Hearing Eponine sing
"On my own,"
being able to smell the rain surrounding her
and memorizing every word,
because having never been kissed at 17
seemed like life's cruel punishment.

The touch of David's hands
and the sound of his voice
the first time he called me
Brandi Ann Johnson
and invited healing for the sick.

Today, my life is still full of vivid senses
It's full of the senses that make up a
happily married
wife and
a happily employed, mother
(it's my job. And who says employment has to be monetary?)

I'm grateful for the times the Lord has guided me as I
forgot to smell, hear, see, touch, and taste
of His goodness.

For these times I am grateful mostly
because His ideas for the
sights and smells of my life
outweigh
the minimalized polaroid
I would have created for myself.

Today...

2009-09-11T14:28:00.002-05:00

Today, I got to kiss my sweetheart as he went to work.

Today I got to kiss both my babies.

Today, I remember 8 years ago, when I was a missionary,
and people looked at us like we were crazy when we offered to share a
message of peace.
(we hadn't seen the news)

Today, I watched the
September 11th
documentaries
for the 2nd time
and my eyes
could not contain the tears.

I'm grateful for the sacrifices
that the men and women of this country
especially my grandpa and my brothers-in-law have made
to make sure
that I can kiss my sweetheart
and that I can kiss my babies each day

Today, I am grateful that there is still a message of peace
available to all who are willing to listen.

I'd Like to Say My Testimony...

2009-09-06T23:20:00.004-05:00

Before I had children, I thought of many firsts we would experience in the coming years.

first smiles
first words
the first scraped knees
the first "I love yous"
first t-ball games
first days of school
first dates
first loves

But Friends, nothing,

nothing,

could have prepared me fore the overwhelming joy of the Spirit when
today, Fast Sunday,
Lincoln wanted to go up to the microphone and say his testimony for the first time.
We walked up to the front, and he got a little nervous when we got up there.
But, he wanted to tell everyone that he loved Heavenly Father and he loved Jesus.

So I stood and shared the faith of my big boy, and his simple, yet profound testimony of
love, and faith in the priesthood, and his sincere belief in a Supreme Being.

It was the shortest time I have ever spent sharing simple doctrines,
and it was one of the most powerful tender mercies I have ever felt.

The faith of this sweet boy consumed me for a moment,
and I knew that He knew his Heavenly Father.

Lincoln and Henry,
Mama wants you to know that I know
that Heavenly Father loves you.
Jesus loves you.
The priesthood is their power on the Earth.
I love them.
I love your Daddy.
I love you.
Tons Bit in the whole world.

Mama

Internet.....Sweet Internet.....

2009-09-03T21:39:00.008-05:00

After 5 weeks of waiting, burying a line, dropping an aerial line, drilling holes, and 3 hours on the phone with COX,
we finally have the internet!

First, my brother Dan and his wife Tina are expecting a baby girl. We are so excited to meet new baby girl in January. Hooray!!! I've been dreaming in pink, and just can't wait!

Next, Grandma (David's Mom) came to stay for 2 fun-filled weeks. We had so much fun. We went to Rocky Point for 4 days, and we worked on our tans.
Rocky Point also offered us the best vanilla in the world, at the cheapest prices.
Grandma made all the dinners while she was here,
and they were seriously delicious.

Among our favorites were
Beef stroganoff
and
Oriental Chicken Salad

One night she made lasagna, and I said to Lincoln,
"Did you tell Grandma thanks for the delicious food?"
"Grandma, thanks for....nope Mama I can't say it."
Grandma and Mama busted up laughing.
(He is still adverse to ground beef, but at least he took his no thank you bite.)

Also, my mother-in-law sent me to a spa.
It was non-negotiable.
She made me do it.
Alas, I had to go.
She said it was for putting my husband through Law School, and helping him study for the bar.
-- It was so good I almost, kind of, thought about volunteering to do it all again.
-- JUST KIDDING.

It was a 2 hour back massage, People.
2 amazing hours.
Quiet.
Peaceful.
Deep Tissue.
Seriously Divine.

Thanks Grandma!

We had so much fun!

My favorite picture from the trip. These two LOVE each other.

Hee Hee. This one is especially for my mom, who thinks poor Henry will forever be stuck in a pumpkin! HaHa!

We've decided to spank him when he's older so he doesn't know how cute he is.

Lincoln's newest crush, who took him fast on the 4-wheeler.

Beautiful Boy.
(we should have started spanking the cute out of him a long time ago. He already knows he handsome)

Grandma couldn't say no! He did inform us that he was Peter Parker, when he took it off.

We have had a delightful summer.
We look forward to some more Arizona heat.

And, once again, Thank you Mr. Humphrey and Mr. Petersen for giving my husband a job. We are forever grateful for your kindness!

Dear Blogging World,

2009-08-18T13:29:00.002-05:00

We are out of commission for 4-6 weeks (they have to dig lines to get us internet)....which means no blogging!

I will try to get on the internet before that and blog about:

Grandma's visit and our trip to Mexico!

Until then

the Johnsons

Tender Mercies...

2009-07-27T22:00:00.004-05:00

Let's be honest.
This last week I have been exhausted beyond belief.
David has been studying every day for weeks on end,
and tomorrow and Wednesday
are the culminating events that officially end
LAW SCHOOL.

I have felt the strength of the Lord throughout this summer, perhaps more than I have felt in a long time, and that is probably because I have needed this Higher Power to
Lead me, Guide me, and Walk beside me.
He has strengthened my spirit, and allowed me to accomplish being a supportive wife and mother.
He has offered me His hand through this adventure.
And, when I have been humble enough to accept it,
He has walked with me.
Truly.

I have not been perfect, in fact, I joked with my parents, that I almost sold their grandchildren.

But,
tonight as I started thinking about our studying-for-the-blasted-bar adventure,
I was sweetly reminded of the
tender mercies
the Lord has given us.

Tonight, Lincoln came and crawled on my lap
and put his arms around me,
and his head on my shoulder,
and then gave me a big kiss.
As we rocked back and forth
he held my cheeks and said,
"you are the sweetest, yeah you are the sweetest."
My eyes filled with tears
because at my most tired and impatient moment
my sweet boy reminded me of how much the Lord loves me.

Today, Henry and I played peek-a-boo
with his blanket.
He laughed
and laughed
and laughed.
If you haven't heard his laugh,
it can be described as music to the ears.
It's adorable.
He gives me repeated kisses,
and the Lord's tender mercies once again come to mind.

Sunday dinners have been prepared for us all summer
by our wonderful friends,
The B's.
They treat us like family,
and they love us unconditionally.
Yes, The Lord has been merciful in this time of need.

My husband comes home exhausted,
but he always notices the small things I have done around the house.
He always gives me a hug and a kiss,
and I can't help but think
that this
wonderful man
is mine forever.

And that; especially that,
has been and continues to be the most
tender mercy
the Lord has given me.

(We are rooting for you, Sweetheart! We are so proud of you.)

The Domestic Attorney....

2009-07-23T22:03:00.008-05:00

So, the other day, my husband came home
(actually I should say the other late night),
and he said to me
"You are really home-makery lately Sweetheart, and I love it."
(If the Esquire says it, it must be a real word!)

He was referencing
the zucchini bread,
banana bread,
rolls,
chicken taquitos,
potato soup,
chicken soup,
and pizza
that have kept the kitchen smelling delicious as of late.
haha...

Now, truth be told,
I love to cook and I love to make dinner for my family. I think making my husband's lunch each day is one of my favorite parts of the day. It's the two or three minutes when I get to think about how much my husband does everyday. I sincerely love that time.

But, I confess...

I am only home-makery lately
because I try to find things that will fill the hours until David comes home.
Don't get me wrong, this is not a pity cry.
I am so proud of my husband.
He has been so diligent in his duties as provider and protector of our home.

But, sometimes when the 11th hour is nearing, I need something to
keep me going. So, I cook.
The house smells how I dream it will smell when my
kids come home from their first days of school,
or home from their first dance,
or when they first get their heart broken and only something yummy can help.

Needless to say, it smells good,

and we are both happy.
most importantly,
my sweetheart is so grateful,
and for that I would do anything.

Now, there is one thing I made lately that I have been looking forward to making for 3 years.
It was not something to pass the time,
but rather something that much time has had to pass before I could contribute.
I made baseball sugar cookies
(I will download a picture as soon as I figure out how to upload them)
Lincoln started t-ball, and I am finally
a "soccer mom"
(that is what my mom always was, and I have waited for the soccer mom days for years)
Lincoln loves t-ball, and yes
I cry when he hits the ball and runs the bases.
I am so proud of him.

Henry is my little goer.
He is 15 months, and he never stops.
He has recently started fake laughing, which we all think is hysterical.
He has learned to say
"dada"
"uh-oh"
"mama"
"cat"
"duck"
and he can wave bye bye.
He knows how to follow simple directions, and
he has the tannest little body, and the whitest bum ever to be.
I still marvel that he joined our family.

I love my life.
I love being the domestic attorney.
(who doesn't?)
I love being a wife.
(seriously , have you met the Esquire of the house?)
I love being a mother.
(being told I am a princess by my three year old, and
getting open mouth kisses from my one year old...who could ask for more?)

I am a happy girl.

For a Friend....

2009-07-15T12:37:00.003-05:00

Today's post if for someone I consider a friend,
though we have never met.
We are united through some
similarities
such as
infertility
and
ADOPTION.
Back before the healing world of adoption entered our little family,
and we were facing
the ugly beast of infertility
therhouse.blogspot.com
sent comforting words.

Today, she needs prayers.
Her family needs prayers.
little g's birth father needs a softened heart.
She needs ten thousand strong
praying with her,
as she fights for her baby boy.

In Nauvoo, along the trail of tears, now known as
the trail of hope,
Zina Huntington Jacobs Young writes

"There on the bank of the Chariton River, I
was delivered of a fine son. Occasionally the wagon had to be stopped that I might take breath. Thus I journeyed on. But, I did not mind the hardship of my situation, for my life had been preserved, and the babe was so beautiful."

Dear therhouse,

We pray for your strength.
You have been a pioneer much like Sister Young.
It seems like your wagon has been stopped a lot,
and yet you continue to journey on.
May you be preserved at this time,
and enjoy the beautiful babies who love you.
Come What May, and love it...
Love,

the johnsons

Brewer Family Fun

2009-07-14T14:21:00.005-05:00

While Daddy was busy studying,
my little boys and I just took a trip to

GALLUP, New Mexico,
where we enjoyed
campfires,
fireworks,
marshmallows,
camping,
treasure hunts,
flashlights,
and
FAMILY.

I did my best to take pictures, but I didn't get as many as I would have liked.
Sorry to those who I completely missed...
(I was probably chasing Henry around)

Here are the pictures

The Father Heart...

2009-06-22T00:36:00.006-05:00

Today is almost over,
and I have been thinking all day
about my sweet husband.

Until today, I had not yet blogged about Law School Graduation, because I wanted to save it for a special day. It is an emotional experience, watching your best friend completing a goal that he has always dreamed of doing. When they handed David his Juris Doctorate, I was overcome with joy, for the man I love. Lincoln and I broke all the rules and cheered really loudly, because we knew that not only was that wonderful man, an attorney,
more importantly,
he was our Daddy,
our superhero,
our favorite person in the world,
my Lover,
my sweetheart,
and my best friend

(In front of our house, that sold this week)

David has what I call
the Father Heart.
When David walks in the door after a 12 hour day,
it is not uncommon for me to get a kiss
and the kids to sit and tell Daddy about their day.
(Lincoln usually speaking of Molly, his swim coach, and riding his bike, and Henry usually jabbers da-da-da)
Following this, David gets out the scriptures, and leads our family
in scripture study and prayers
But, nothing grabs at my heart strings as much as watching David
carry our babies to bed,
telling them stories, and
singing lullabies of eternal importance.
He knows they are children of a loving Heavenly Father,
and his Father heart
reminds me of the love
that Heavenly Father has for our family.

In 6 years of knowing him,
I have found that the Lord knew me so well,
and had my happiness in mind
when he allowed me the great privilege
of being courted by, and marrying
David Earl.

The other day, Lincoln said,
Mama, Daddy is my favorite person in the whole entire world.
My heart was so full of joy that this three year old
understood what goodness was, and that he knew it was all inclusive in
his Daddy.

When David gets home,
Henry kicks his hands and his feet
and yells until
David picks him up.
He loves when he gets tickled and snuggled by David.
It is easy to see that he has a special place in his heart for the wonderful man
he calls da-da.

When David and I were dating, I saw him one day
reading his scriptures, and I had a strong impression
that He loved the Lord.
I knew I wanted a husband and a father who loved the Lord the way that David did,
and it was no wonder what my answer would be
when he got down on his knee, and asked me the most important question of my life.
Eternity has been so good to me.

In 6 years, I have seen the making of a man of valor; a man who I know
loves the Lord, and is choice and highly favored of the Lord.

A man made of:
strength
wisdom
integrity
compassion
goodness
kindness
service
and Love.

Sweetheart,
Happy Father's Day.
We love you.
Tons Bit.

Shelf-reliance....

2009-06-20T12:51:00.004-05:00

Last year at Time Out for Women, they had a giveaway from

shelf-reliance.com .

(click on that)

I didn't win.
Bummer, as my three year old said,
but I'm sure the woman who won was very grateful, as
this company does amazing things for gaining a year supply of food storage.
They even have a group to join on
facebook.
They have a group on
youtube.

Anyways,
they are doing another drawing, and someone
will be a lucky winner.

Tears and Trust

2009-06-11T11:52:00.002-05:00

As you watch this beautiful story of faith.
I hope you feel the spirit testify of the wonderful plan of adoption.
I know I did.

After twins, and four years of searching for answers,they found out they couldn't have any more biological children.

"I couldn't understand why. I was trying to do everything right. . . I couldn't understand why such a righteous desire wasn't being granted to me."

for those who have prayed an waited, you understand this feeling.

"...The hardest part for me was giving up control and deciding that I was going to be okay, even if I didn't get what I wanted."

the amount of faith she has is inspiring. Many times, during the struggle of infertility, I pleaded with the Lord to strengthen my faith.
He did.

"There was a lot of yearning and a lot of hope that something would happen...because he was mine, in every way to me,"

TEARS. TEARS. TEARS.

Click here to watch

Profound

2009-06-08T11:36:00.002-05:00

LINCOLN: "Mama, you are so lucky."

ME: "Why am I so lucky, Good Boy?"

LINCOLN: "Because you are pretty."

Family Picture 2009

Heart

2009-06-04T14:51:00.003-05:00

We heart Arizona.

We have been swimming.
We have enrolled Lincoln in 2$/2 week swimming lessons.
He can monkey around the pool by himself, and
jump in and swim to the top.
Henry absolutely loves the water.
He loves to be dunked.
It's like glorified bath time.

We are the also the proud parents of a three year old
T-Ball Player.
(Had it not been for the bar, David would have been the coach!)
And, yes I have cried that I get to be a "soccer mom,"
(I guess it's technically a tee ball mom.)
I get to take treats to his games, and cheer from the side line.
This is a dream come true.
Seriously.

and my big boy starts preschool in the fall.
this is a happy/sad moment for me.

Henry walks everywhere, and he is turning into a copper baby
in the sunshine.
His laugh is adorable, and he loves to be "naughty"
which at our house means incredibly cute.
He loves to go up and down stairs, and play in the blinds
(which he knows he shouldn't do, so he laughs and when you see him, he goes even faster)

We are the excited auntie, uncle, and cousins to be of
Dan and Tina's new announcement!
(click on their names)

We have been to numerous thrift stores.
We are the owners of a $1.98 tricycle that daddy spray painted red.
We bought a 99 cent pony, that with new batteries, sings, and which Henry loves to snuggle
because it reminds him of his blanket.
Also, we have begun our Christmas shopping at these awesome thrift stores
because 3 and 1 year old kids just don't care, and I have somewhat
of an addiction to SAVERS SPEEDWAY OUTLET

It looks like after the summer, we will be turning in our adoption papers again.
So, a heads up: If anyone knows anyone facing an unexpected pregnancy,
let them know about us.

We have enjoyed the dry heat.
Immensely.

We Heart Arizona

It's About Love...

2009-05-27T18:25:00.025-05:00

When I called our Joanie Girl, and told her we were moving to Arizona, her response was so gentle and kind. She said, "Well, that's good, you will be able to take care of the boys." This was followed by silence, and I knew there were tears. We were so grateful that she came to Henry's first birthday party. It was not only a celebration of his first 365 wonderful days on the earth, but it was an emotional celebration of a brave young woman, who made such an eternal sacrifice.

At Henry's party, I wanted to share with my family, my friends, and Joanie the feelings that I have had over the last year.

So, I wrote a song.
(click above)

The first verse (I sing this one) was from my perspective as an adoptive mother; not quite sure what to do or say at first; not sure how to say thank you; feeling like my happiness and her grief were inevitably tied;

but knowing that the Lord could heal.

The second verse (that's my sister-in-law Becky, who created the beautiful alto voice) is from the perspective of a birth mother, speaking to the baby she placed; who someday may wonder why and how she did what she did; and she shares that even through heartache,
the Lord is always there.

Writing this song was a very emotional and a very spiritual experience for me. I felt the Lord's hand in my life as the lyrics and the music flooded my mind. The day that birth mother's verse came to my mind, I sat and bawled as I looked at my boys. My heart was so full of love for a Heavenly Father, who had allowed me to be a mother; not once; but twice, and I am still in awe of the decision Joanie made, and we love her.

My heart has a special place for her filled with reverence, love, and respect.

Let me be perfectly clear, the phrase, "the day that I let go," does not imply that I think birth mothers should place a baby and then say goodbye forever. When David and I started the adoption journey, we were on the end of the spectrum of , "absolutely no contact, we want it closed." But, when we met Joanie, and we heard her story, and we recognized that this young woman had been guided by the Lord to make a selfless decision, we knew that her ability to "let go," just meant that she would be able to give him what he needed by placing him for adoption, and in turn, she would be able to go through a refiner's fire and be purified.

We Love you Joanie Girl.

I love this picture, because Joanie saw that Henry wasn't happy eating cake,

so she came and held a lollipop in his mouth. She stood and held it as long as it made him happy.

Joanie as part of our family.
My mom, Joanie, Henry, Me, Lincoln, David's mom, Grandma

Joanie, Henry, and me.

It's About Love.

I love you Arizona....

2009-05-24T19:13:00.004-05:00

When we were an hour from Tucson, our 26 foot rental truck broke down and required three tows to be finished with it. We drove into a 100 degree day, and we moved into a two bedroom, one bathroom apartment. And you know what?

I AM SO HAPPY.

The morning after we got here, my girlfriend Car-Car brought us paper plates and cups, and made us breakfast. Since then, we have enjoyed pizza and swimming with our two families.

Today, we went to church in what I refer to as my home ward, even though my family has not lived here for 11 years. I knew almost every member of the ward, and it was a very warm welcome.

In front of us sat my voice teacher from my youth. She has a beautiful voice, and I hope that she will teach me the words to "I love you Arizona," so that the beautiful song will not be forgotten.

Behind us sat my very special friend, Cali who has not forgotten one member of my family.

The Swiss family, our lifetime friends, kindly invited us over for dinner,

I was most grateful today for Brother Baker, who is the nursery leader. To be honest, I was a little emotional to see a man who taught my brothers in young mens teaching my big boy, and I know that as Lincoln listens to him, he will grow up to be a righteous priesthood holder, just like my brothers.

Plus, Arizona gave us some treasures. For my 29th birthday, I went to the Salvation Army and got these:

(I don't usually have a love for furniture, but when I saw these, I fell in love with the style and the color.)

And of course: we have already taken advantage of this and this.

Once again we thank our Heavenly Father for the blessings He has so lovingly given to us. We feel His hand in our lives on a daily basis.

I am grateful for my husband for working so hard, and being so willing to have a new adventure. Sweetheart, thank you for bringing me to Arizona.
I know that you already know how much this means to me, and I can't wait for our upcoming adventures together.

Indeed, the best part of this new journey, is being on the adventure with my boys. I am head over heels for these boys.

I love them tons bit in the whole world.

Nebraska

2009-05-03T21:49:00.004-05:00

I giggled on our anniversary when my husband and I
were eating D'Leons and my husband said,
"I'm really going to miss this."
I was only giggling because we are moving to
Tucson, Arizona;
a short drive from the border
and the home of authentic Mexican food.

But, it got me thinking about our time here in
Nebraska, and the experiences we have had
to get us where we are today.

When I think about Nebraska:

I will remember our first home;
Our home is full of 3 years of deeply seeded memories.
Most of them are memories we will cherish forever;
some of them are memories we will take with us to help us remember the blessings that come from enduring.
Some of them are memories that make us laugh so hard, our bodies ache.
But, no matter the memory- one thing is for sure;
We have been taught over and over again that there is a
loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who have not forgotten us

Nebraska:
reminds me of the screams that came as I jumped out of the bathroom and into my husband's arms, when I saw a mouse in our house.

Nebraska:
is where I will remember Lincoln learning to crawl and learning to walk here on the
beautiful hard-wood floors.
This is the home where we made it through potty-training.
I will remember that this is the home in which he learned to pray.
and the home where he first said I love you.

Nebraska:
will gently remind me of the struggle through infertility.
While this is a memory that sometimes brings fresh tears, I will remember the
healing that took place when our Joanie Girl,
let us love Henry.
I will remember our home here as the refuge we found as we took Henry
to be sealed to us.
This is the home where he first laughed, and where he took his first steps.

Nebraska:
was the answer to the prayers I said
when I prayed to find a friend when we moved here.
After a few weeks of school,
we met the M/R Johnson Family
And three years later, we have met our dopplegangers.
They have ventured with us through late night studying, hundreds of cans of diet soda, pazooki,
waiting and praying for jobs, and finally
GRADUATION.

Nebraska:
reminds me of the drives we took to visit David's family
and the time we shared together as we
watched the lightning bugs.
It reminded me to be grateful for the
the precious time I got to spend
with my own family.

Nebraska:
is the home where I was a witness to the beauty of the earth.
The Spring here is the most glorious image to behold
and leaves no doubt
that this earth is the work of a Master of details.

Nebraska:
is the home where my faith was stretched,
my family bonds were strengthened
and where my testimony was solidified.

This home has been a beautiful learning curve
and a much needed experience,

Fare you well Nebraska.

God Be With You, till we visit again.

Wooden

2009-04-30T19:58:00.003-05:00

5 years ago today, David and I were married
for time and all eternity.
I tell you what,
Eternity keeps getting better.

In five years we have graduated from BYU,
we welcomed Lincoln to the family.
we welcomed Henry to the family.
We battled infertility.
We bought our first house.
We gained some weight.
We bought our first bed.
We got our first real job.
And, we are one week away from David receiving his JD

We have laughed.
We have cried.
We have grown closer.
We have been blessed immensely.

Yes.

Eternity keeps getting better.

I love you David Earl.
more than all the stars in the sky.

Today Part II...

2009-04-28T19:47:00.005-05:00

today
I am grateful for these words:
(quoted by Thomas S. Monson)

“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend … when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us [happiness]—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth

today
we are still hoping to sell our house,
but we are grateful that we have had a house to live in.

today
we are grateful that our entire family made it through pneumonia in less than 2 weeks.
(David used to get it and be out for 5 weeks)

today
we hope the economy gets better,
but we are so grateful for Humphrey and Petersen who offered David a job in Tucson, Arizona.

today
both of my kids threw fits,
but I am grateful that I get to be a mommy.
Because when I come home from the doctor and Lincoln comes running to me yelling my name and tells me that he missed me, and makes David run back to the car through the rain just to say, "I forgot to give you a hug,"
and
when Henry gives me open-mouthed kisses, and snuggles on David's shoulder until he falls asleep, and I get to celebrate his first birthday with him because of an eternal sacrifice
and
when David plans an evening out for us in the middle of finals, and holds my hand, and winks at me from across the room, and ends our days with prayer

I remember that I am the most blessed of all in my heaven on earth.

today
we are grateful for the rescuing power that has saved us over and over again.

today
is a good day to call on our gratitude power.

the.Worth.of.Souls.is.GREAT.

2009-04-20T17:23:00.006-05:00

For any of you who haven't done so yet,
please.
Please.
PLEASE.
take a moment and watch this.
It will be the most uplifting 7 minutes of your day.
I promise.

And now, from a beautiful piece written by James Martin and found here:

"Her Youtube video at last count has received, all tolled in its many incarnations, tens of millions of hits [now well over 100 million]. Why? A few reasons, some obvious, one not.

First, there is the shock factor: what a surprise that this unknown woman can sing so well! Where has she been all these years?

Second, the sympathy factor: we feel compassion for a somewhat plain woman who seems to have been so unlucky in life.

Third, the physical appearance factor: "American Idol" stardom, or even success, is typically the province of the PYTs, pretty young things. Not of people like Susan Boyle...

Fourth, the uncanny resonance of the lyrics of her chosen song, for someone who seems to be traveling through a tough patch of life: "I dreamed a dream in time gone by/ When hope was high,/ And life worth living/I dreamed that love would never die/ I dreamed that God would be forgiving."

"But there may be something else that accounts for our delight, and for those millions of hits.

"The way we see Susan Boyle is very nearly the way God sees us: worthwhile, special, talented, unique, beautiful. The world generally looks askance at people like Susan Boyle, if it sees them at all.

"Without classic good looks, without work, without a spouse, living in a small town, people like Susan Boyle may not seem particularly "important." But God sees the real person, and understands the value of each individual's gifts: rich or poor, young or old, single or married, matron or movie star, lucky or unlucky in life.

"God knows us. And loves us... That's another reason why the judges smile and the audience explodes in applause. Because they recognized a basic truth planted deep within them by God: Susan Boyle is somebody.

"Everybody is somebody."

Just wanted to share that.

-- David

Today...

2009-04-13T14:23:00.004-05:00

today
we are hoping to sell our house.
today
we hope that David gets a job.
today
we spent $3000.00 in hopes that David will pass the bar in July.
today
we hope my pneumonia goes away quickly.
today
is a great day to remember the words of Thomas S. Monson:

"Through personal prayer, through family prayer, by trusting in God with faith, nothing wavering, we can call down to our rescue His mighty power. His call to us is as it has ever been: “Come unto me."

today
is a good day to call on His rescuing power.

It's About Love...

2009-04-03T19:34:00.006-05:00

Last Saturday,

We headed out to meet Our Joanie Girl.

We were really excited.

We love her so much.

I wish there was a way to adequately express
how much love we feel for this brave woman;

how much love his grandparents feel;

his aunts and uncles;

his cousins;

and most especially his big brother.

It was so wonderful.

Really.

Wonderful.

Every day, we still thank a loving Heavenly Father for this

beautiful girl.

The light in her eyes was apparent. She was so happy.

This is sweet Lincoln on our adventure.

Henry, Joanie, and Me.

Seriosuly people. Isn't she gorgeous?

Henry was just entranced with Joanie.

How could you not be?

Before we left,through tear filled eyes,

she said something that will be forever etched in my heart.

She said,
"I want to tell you something that I haven't been able to say for a year.I can see that he is healthy and happy, and that you love him. Thank you for giving him what I couldn't."

Again, I can't adequately describe the love that filled my heart at that moment.

I was overcome with emotion.

So we sat for a moment and we hugged.

and hugged.

and cried.

Joanie Girl

thank you for giving us

this precious baby.

We.

Love.

You.

Tons.Bit.
(and at our house, that's the most.)

There is no place like home....

2009-04-03T16:53:00.008-05:00

We had such a wonderful visit to Arizona.

When we got to Tucson, we stayed with
Car-Car, Trevor, and sweet baby girl Ellena.
Ellena shared her toys and books with me,
and she helped me make cookies.
She took me swimming,
and of course she took me to eegees.
She told me she loved me hundreds of times a day,
and she was also quite a snuggle bug.

I was going to put a picture here of me and Car-Car

(I took it right before we left, and after nap-time),

so I thought better of it,

because who knows how many blackmail pictures she has

of me from high school and college.

Also,

We had so much fun spending time withmy brother

Jaush, and his wife Amy, and their 3 cute kids.

Those sweet little kiddos helped me so much

when I started missing my babies.

I got lots of hugs and tons of kisses.

We tried to go camping at the Grand Canyon,

but the power in the camp went out at about midnight.

So, we headed home after a great meal of steak and potatoes.

I was always close to my brothers,

and being around one of them during the trip made me feel so at home.

It was windy, but the kids were troopers.

This is also about the time where Lincoln called me

and asked me to sing "I am a Child of God,"

So, in front of all the people at the Grand Canyon,

I sang him his lullaby.

Baby Isaac.

Cannon.

MY brother Jaush, reading the scriptures with his kids.

Girl.

So, now, I am going to

close my eyes,

click my heels three times

and say,

There's no place like home.

911

2009-04-01T14:06:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I answered the cell phone .

Here is how the conversation went.

Me: Hello?

911 operator: Hi this is 911. Is everything okay?

Me: (thinking- well we still need to sell our house and get my husband a job, but since you aren't my psychic...) Yes, everything is fine.

911: Because someone from your house just called 911. We heard a baby crying and wanted to make sure everything was okay.

Me: (picking up the phone Henry was playing with) Yes. Everything is fine.

Little Turkey found a way to:
call 911 (actually 9111111111#24)
and turn the phone on.
plus, he gave them the added pleasure of crying, so they had to make sure he was okay.

* and doctors want to know if almost one year olds can play with a ball.

Seriously.

Adoption Sunday

2009-03-26T12:03:00.003-05:00

Who knew that there was a stake calling to work with birthmothers?

I didn't.

Until Sister T asked me if I could help her with her calling

and speak to three sacrament meetings about the blessings of adoption.

There is only one problem:

I only get 10 minutes in each meeting.

I have never been so excited to speak in sacrament meeting.

And, to make it even better,

we will be spending Saturday with our Joanie Girl.

We are so excited to see her.

We are so excited to tell her again how much we love her;

to tell her how blessed we are because of her sacrifice.

We invited her to Henry's first birthday party,

and we hope she comes.

I wrote her a song about this entire journey.

She is the reason I can speak about adoption in church on Sunday.

She is the reason I have a voice on the blessings of adoption.

She is a blessing to our family.

We love you Joanie Girl.

P.S.

Yes, I still need to post pictures of our trip to Arizona.

Those are coming soon, but David has been

working on a presentation,

a 30 page paper,

trying to sell our house,

and finding a job,

So I figured the pictures needing to be downloaded could wait.

Anyways, here is to about 6 weeks left of Law School

We Love You Sweet Boys....

2009-03-17T19:45:00.004-05:00

Hi Sweet Boys. We saw some AMAZING things in Arizona today.
Here is another picture of cactus. Aren't these Awesome-possum!

Daddy took another picture of a school bus because it was so close.

Maybe someday you boys can ride on a school bus...

Look at this Castle. Who do you think lives there???

Yikes! What is it? A Tyrannosaurus Rex.

We miss you a lot.
We love you tons bit in the whole world.

Love,

Mama and Daddy

Guess what we saw today...

2009-03-16T23:15:00.003-05:00

Hi Sweet Boys,

We love you TONS BIT,
and we thought about you when we saw all these wonderful things.

What is that in the sky? You are right! An airplane!

Oh My Goodness! Can you even believe it! A super-duper fast motorcycle!

Daddy is saying that he loves you soooooo much.

Mommy loves you guys the most ever in the whole world.

This is a saguaro cactus. It has sharp pricklies on it!

We will talk to you tomorrow.
We love you
XOXO
(that is extra hugs and kisses for you.)

Love,

Mama and Daddy

Hi Sweet Boys....

2009-03-14T23:18:00.004-05:00

We love you sooooooooooo much! Thanks for your letter about your new favorite show. We are so excited for you to show us the comet in the sky. We want you to know that we have been thinking about you good boys all day. Here is what we did today:

We found Uncle Jaush Aunt Amy, Cannon, Carsen, and baby Isaac who says hi to Lincoln Log and Baloo.

We saw a tee-pee. (This is where Peter Pan's friends, the Red Men sleep.)

Can you believe it? We found a school bus on the top of school bus mountain. (You can sing "on the top of Dragon Mountain if you want to)

Just in case you boys need to know how much we love you, just look at these pictures and know that We love you. (Can you do this with your hands?)

Daddy Loves you Tons Bit.

We can't wait to talk to you on the phone. Be the good boys we know you are.

Love,

Mama and Daddy

Dear Lincoln and Henry...

2009-03-14T09:31:00.004-05:00

Since we are so far away, we thought we would show you what we have been doing. We want you to know we love you Tons Bit, and we miss you. Here are the things we saw yesterday while we were driving. Lincoln, maybe you can tell Brother what these pictures are.

Can you believe it? A FLOCK OF BIRDS!

This was a big statue we saw of a nice cow. He has HUGE horns!

Do you remember what we sing when see this? I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN
(and I know you will probably sing, I'm proud to be an American Flag.)

Can you guys believe we saw cowboys who were riding the range?

Well good boys, we love you. We will call you soon. Have fun and be good.

Love,

mama and daddy

pregnancy through my years...

2009-03-08T16:36:00.003-05:00

In my life I have had some amazing girl friends.
These are women I have looked to for support, laughter, and friendship;

the kind of friendship that changes your life for the best.

Today's post is about three of my favorite people:

Car-Car-
Wendy-Marinky-Dinky-Dink-
Mandy J-

Because of thier great friendships, I have become a better woman than I otherwise would have been.

Car-Car and I sang in high school choir together. Sleepovers were a weekly occurence. We loved to talk about boys and sit at the piano and belt out "In His Eyes," until all hours of the morning. I drove 14 hours to be at her wedding, and she drove 14 to be at mine. I have letters in my high school year book that she addressed to my future children.

I love her!

Wendy and I were inseparable in college. We laughed together often, and we became best friends through the awesome calling of visiting teaching. She was my encouragment to go on a mission, and she was there at the birth of my first baby. (In fact, she snuck me Taco Bell a few hours after Lincoln was born, when I was supposed to be on all liquids.)

I love her!

Mandy and I have spent more time together than with our husbands these last three years (I say that only half-jokingly) Mandy has been my friend through infertility, the adoption process, Federalist society trips, and painting every room in my house! She has taught me a great deal about the kind of mother I want to be. I know we will be friends forever.

I love her!

I often think how well the Lord knows me to send me these incredible friends who have seen me through some of the hardest and most joyful experiences of my life.

Now, some might still be wondering about the title of this post;

pregnancy through my years,

I will just go on the record of saying I AM NOT PREGNANT.

and, for one of the first times since starting a family,

I am completely happy with that.

I am content with my big boy

and my baby,

and especially, my Sweetheart.

I could not ask for more.

But, I am the proudest best friend because:

Car-Car is due in September with baby number 2

Marinky-Dink is due with her first baby, a boy, in August

And Mandy is due in August.
(and for those of you who are in Nebraska--Mandy did give me permission to post this since she is not going to walk around telling people...)

I love these girls.

I am eternally blessed because of their friendships.

Enjoy motherhood

You were made especially for this!

A month to remember...

2009-02-26T11:40:00.006-06:00

Dear Joanie Girl,

Last year in February, we met you for the first time. We loved you from the beginning. You were absolutely beautiful. You were searching for answers as you were carrying a sweet baby boy, right next to your heart. We prayed for you every single day. We prayed that God would give you the strength you needed to make a hard decision.

As we think about the month of February, our hearts are filled with so much love for you. We still love you. When we talk to you, we can feel of your goodness, and you are still a stunning young woman. You are incredibly beautiful. We still pray for you. We ask God to keep you strong and help you in your daily life. We pray that you will be eternally blessed because of your goodness.

I love to see Henry dance when I get out the yogurt (because it reminds me of how you ate yogurt every day during your pregnancy. ) After his bath, I love to see his hair hold onto a little curl, just like yours. I love that when he stands up, he curls his toes on the carpet--just like you. I love that he has so much of you.

I love February, because it reminds me of you. It reminds me of Henry. It reminds me of the forever part that you play in our family.

Even if they took away all the celebration of Valentine's Day-- February would still be the best month to remember, because it means that we met you and you joined our family forever.

We Love You Joanie Girl

Best Friends.

Happiness.

A Family is Forever...

2009-02-20T13:25:00.005-06:00

Saturday was such a special day.

It will be forever etched in my heart.

My heart was overflowing with love.

I can pinpoint significant memories where this same love has overpowered me;
The day I married David .
The day Lincoln joined our family
The day Our Joanie Girl chose us to love Henry forever.
And Valentine's Day, where we knelt and had Henry sealed to us.

Henry was so happy all day.
He smiled and ga-ga-ga-ed the whole time.
Lincoln's strong and gentle spirit allowed him to sit quietly through the sealing.

The sealer said something that reminded me once a again of the tender mercies given to us from a loving, and all-knowing Heavenly Father.
He said, "Well, Henry may have been sent to the wrong address, but he ended up in the right house."
We are so happy, Henry, that you joined our eternal family.

I could not stop thinking about our Joanie Girl the entire day.
As David and I waited for our friend, President Giles, to seal us, I was overcome with emotion.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as we reverently spoke of the sacrifice made by a brave young woman, and our eternal love for her.

After the sealing, some of our family, and closest friends gathered as David gave Henry a name and blessing. Once again, my heart was flooded as Henry was promised that, like his birthmother who made the right decision against all odds, he too would be able to make the right decisions, even if they weren't popular.
Thank you Joanie Girl. We Love You.

This journey has been filled with a lot of emotion.
There were days that I cried more than I breathed.
There were days I thought the Lord was trying to give us a raincheck on this sweet baby.
There were days that I was furious with infertility.
There were days that I thought, that just this once, the Lord was trying to give me more than I could handle.
And Yet,
I would cry again.
I would welcome a raincheck, again.
I would embrace fury, again.
I would go to the outer limits of what I thought I couldn't handle, again.
Because, When we dressed in white and saw forever standing with open arms
I knew that
the joy of having a forever family was worth it.
every.

tear.
Thank you for all your prayers, your tears, your love, and your support.

Eternity never looked so good.

The blessing (with David's family)

My family

Best Friends

The priesthood members.

Outside the Winter Quarter's Temple.

(my eyes are red because of all the tears)

Saturday was such a special day.

I Love To See The Temple....

2009-02-13T18:06:00.005-06:00

Tomorrow

at 2:00 p.m.

We are having this beautiful face

sealed to us

in this beautiful place.

We feel the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father.

Our hearts are filled with love and gratitude for His kindness.

Eternity just keeps getting better.

I couldn't stop the tears last night

2009-02-08T17:36:00.004-06:00

...as I sang "I am a Child of God," to my almost three year old. (He turned three today). I never realized how quickly time would go, and how much my heart would ache that he's growing up so fast.

On the day Lincoln was born, we gathered as a family, with my parents, and David's parents, and we sang "I am a Child of God." Then we had a prayer all together. We felt an overwhleming spirit that this was a special little boy that we would get to love.

Lincoln has been sung this same song almost every day of his life, and he knows all the words. He says his own prayers now, and I marvel that this special child of God was entrusted to my care.

In three years, we have loved the miracle of Lincoln.

He is our Sweet Boy.

Happy Birthday Lincoln Daniel.

We Love You.

This is Lincoln at the hospital. They wanted him to be a baby model for the city buses in Utah.

This is Lincoln on his first birthday, right after his first hair cut.

This is Lincoln on his second birthday, and as a tradition, we took him to McDonalds for an ice cream cone. He did a lot better eating his ice cream at two, than he did at one.
(Since today is Sunday, we will take him for his ice cream cone tomorrow for FHE, after his haircut!)

Now, can you see why my heart was so full last night as I looked at this child of God who I get to call my son?

I Love being your Mama, Lincoln.

I love you soooooo much.

Tons Bit.

The most-ever-in-the-whole-world.
(which is how much you tell me you love me.)

Pay It Forward...

2009-02-07T14:29:00.003-06:00

I love to

Pay

Forward.

"The Pay It Forward Exchange is based on the concept of the movie "Pay it forward". I will send a gift to the first three people who leave a comment to this post requesting to join the PIF exchange. All the gifts will be made and posted out sometime within the next month What you need to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog.

So, to recap:

a) be one of the first three to comment

b) post this same promise (or your modified version) on your blog

c) make sure I have your address

d)wait at home all day and night for the awesomeness that will be your present!

Note to receivers: This promise use to say a handmade gift....but, let's be honest, I will not be making something, but you will get a gift!

Have Fun!

Who Am I?

2009-01-30T16:29:00.007-06:00

In my email, I am starting to get rquests to fill out "Getting to know your friends in 2009."

Last fall, my mother-in-law invited me to go to TIME OUT FOR WOMEN. There, I was really touched when Kenneth Cope said, we need to be honest. He said, you would be amazed how many women go to church and smile for three hours, but really they are aching inside.

DON'T WORRY. This post will just be information about me (not a long sad story about life.) Real information. The truth, and nothing else. Because really, what I ate for breakfast and what color my socks are will probably not help me or you learn anything of value about each other.

Getting to know the real Brandi; 2009

I am 28 years old.

I remember when my mom was 28, because I was 7.

My favorite colors are pink and yellow.

I think one of God's greatest creations was making Gerber Daisies in my two favorite colors.

We have struggled with infertility.

We have been eternally blessed to have Lincoln and Henry.

We love Our Joanie Girl.

I still believe that I will conceive again.

To me, miracles are such things as snuggling with my kids until they fall asleep, hearing Lincoln sing all the words to "I Am A Child of God," and hearing Henry laugh.

My husband is my favorite person, he is my number one, and I would give my life for him

It is he who has taught me about forgiveness, compassion, and patience; not because I have to be these things with him, but because he is these things with me.

He graduates from Law School in May.

This is an incredible milestone because he has planned on going to Law School his entire life.

We are so proud of him.

I plan everything in advance.

When we go on a trip, I lay out clothes at home so that I know our kids have something clean to wear when we get home.

I organize my shopping list according to the layout of the store.

I do laundry just about every day.

I love food, but my husband is a way better cook than I am.

I'm okay with that, because he still tells me how good my dinners are.

When my two year old yells, "Mama you are my best friend, ever, in the whole world," I say "Really?" but honestly I am wiping tears away from my eyes, because I love him that much too.

I have three brothers, 5 sisters-in-law, and two brothers-in-law, who I love. Individually, they have each impacted our family at different times, and in different ways, and I know no matter what,

they've got my back.

I would be willing to fib about how bad my back really hurts, if it meant my doctor would prescribe a weekly massage.

My dad called my boyfriend when I was 17, and told him to kiss me.

His reasoning was that I would cry and say my world was ending

because I had never been kissed.

He. Was. Right.

(first he called his bishop and seminary teacher to make sure he was a good boy.)

I always go on a least one date with my husband a week. When he winks at me

I get the exact same butterflies I got when we were courting.

I'm afraid of the dark.

But mostly, I'm afraid that someone

will break into my house and I won't be able to save both my kids.

I don't like ice cream.

I love Salty snacks.

I love the sunshine

I don't have any love for the snow.

I like Nebraska.

I LOVE Arizona.

I want 6 more kids, all in the next 4 years.

Who Are You?

I'M NOT A SHADE TREE....

2009-01-19T12:05:00.005-06:00

Today is Monday, January 19, 2009.

As I thought about New Year's Resolutions for this year, I had decided that I wanted to be able to keep the goal(s) I set, instead of just making it to March.

I even considered not having a resolution. That would make the already chaotic 2009 more attainable. (in the upcoming months we have to sell our house, find David a job, finish my music for Brazil, and re-apply for adoption (The reapplication happens in April. SO, IF ANYONE KNOWS A BIRTH MOTHER LOOKING FOR TWO AWESOME PARENTS--LET THEM KNOW ABOUT US.).

I have been thinking really hard about what I can do this year to be a better me.

I would like to state here that I will not be making any goals that have to do with dieting. I actually like who I am. I am not a size 6 or 105 pounds, I like to eat "Blondies" from Applebees once in awhile, and I don't always walk three miles a day. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that they should be dieting all the time. And, I definitely don't want a negative self-image to be put on them because their mom was never happy with her own body image. So, let it be known. I like me.

As we were getting ready for church yesterday, we were listening to some of David's favorite church music, "The Garden," by Michael Mclean. I was trying to listen and understand the message, and then something amazing happened. The Lord sent and abundance of tender mercies, infiltrated with my 2009 New Year's Resolution.

I will not be A SHADE TREE.

Yes, I know. What the heck is a shade tree?

Now, before you read on keep in mind that I count myself EXTREMELY blessed to have the beautiful children and the most amazing husband the Lord has so lovingly given to me. I don't want that to go unsaid.

I love them more than my own life.

In the song, "What Good Will I ever Be," The old, barren olive tree sings a song that I have felt in my own life numerous times. She desperately says,

"The sun is setting, without regretting

another day has passed again and left me barren

Nothing is showing. No buds are growing,

my branches ache to hold the fruit I should be bearing.

Oh what good will I ever be?

This isn't living

If I'm not giving

What I was made to give when first I was planted

What curse forbade me?

I'M NOT A SHADE TREE

I wish to bear the fruit most gardens take for granted.

How else will I be known

If it's not by my fruits alone?"

Oh what good will I ever be?

Sometimes shade trees are really nice. Especially when they are shading us from the heat, exhaustion, and trials of our lives. But sometimes, we, I get to comfortable under the shade and accept that it will probably always be too hot or to exhausting to do anything but sit under the shade tree. Sometimes we invite those we love most to come and partake of the shade we are willing to share. We become their shade trees. We don't help each other realize that the greatest blessings come from our willingness to accept the Lord's will and become the people the Lord would have us become.

In my early twenties, I wanted to get married like all my friends. I was shaded by the fact that the Lord had a plan for me that was different than the plan I had for myself. When I accepted His will, and went out into the wild unknown, he blessed me with a strengthened faith. He regenerated my body. He first gave me David; the greatest blessing of my life. Then he blessed my bodyto be strong, healthy, and ready to become a mother. He gave me Lincoln; my first sweet boy. With the curse of infertility, I allowed the shade back in. But, as soon as I moved an inch and accepted that the Lord knew what he was doing, he blessed us with Joanie, and with sweet baby Henry.

I hope this year allows me to remember to be accepting of the Lord's will. I pray that my faith will be strengthened daily and that I can be accepting of the adventures the Lord has in store for my family. I am grateful for the Lord's gentleness and compassion in teaching me that:

I am not a shade tree

SUPER Tuesday...

2009-01-15T19:12:00.005-06:00

Tuesday was a SUPER day at our house.

Henry legally joined our family.

We'd like to first thank our Heavenly Father for managing our first adoption experience. It was an overwhelming, emotionally charged experience that we would definitely do all over again. We have felt and continue to feel the Lord's tender mercies in our family as we think about our sons. We love them, and we are so grateful we get to be their mama and daddy.

We'd like to thank our lawyer, Chris Curzon, who has handled 16 years of LDSFamily Services Adoption hearings. He treated us with kindness, and we felt the Spirit together at the hearing as we expressed our love for Henry Louis.

Thank you Judge Rouse for asking us if we loved Henry. When you welcome a child into your family the traditional way, no one asks you if you love them in order to make a decision to allow you to keep the baby. But, being asked this question allowed us the opportunity to remember the countless prayers sent to heaven, pleading with the Lord for another choice spirit to love.

On Valentine's Day this year, we will have Henry Louis Johnson sealed to us for eternity in the Winter Quarter's Temple.

We love you Henry.
We are so glad you were born.

To Birthmothers and Birthfathers...

2008-12-14T16:07:00.001-06:00

Today, ADOPTION is really on my mind.

I would like to dedicate this post to those young women (and men) who are trying to decide how to proceed with an unexpected pregnancy.

Let me start with a confession.

I love Birthmothers and Birthfathers.
My husband loves you.
My boys love you.
(in fact there are thousands upon thousands of people who love you more than you'll ever know.)

And just in case you ever wonder: You are prayed for.

Every.
Day.

Now, I cannot even begin to pretend what it would be like at 14, 15, 16 (or any age really) to find out that you are unexpectedly expecting. For some of you, you still have visions of high school football games, music concerts, good grades to achieve, getting into college, PROM, and graduation. For others, you are starting college or working full time. No matter the situation, you are now facing a major decision.

What do you do? How do you cope with this? How do you get the support you need?

Some of you are terrified to tell your parents because they might overreact (they might tell you how disappointed they are by yelling or other such things...they are human too, and this is a whole new experience for them.) Some young women hope and pray that this new life will go away.

but after the yelling
the hoping.
and
the praying,

there is still a new life to be thought about.

What are your options?

This is where I want to express our family's love for adoption and especially our love for our Joanie Girl; our Henry's beautiful Birthmother who was able to make an eternal decision for Henry; and for our family. I remember Joanie telling me that someday she wanted to have a family (a husband and kids), but she knew right now she couldn't provide for a baby. She completely ruled out abortion as an option, as she knew that her pregnancy was the result of her decision to have unprotected sex.

Don't be fooled. Adoption was not an easy decision for Joanie. I know that she cried hundreds of tears during this time. I talked to her many times as she went through the grieving process. Throughout the entire experience, there was one thing she knew for sure; she needed to provide Henry with the best life. Choosing adoption vs. raising a baby was an internal battle that she finally conquered. She set all else aside, and put the needs of someone else first.

From watching her go through this amazing experience two things are undebatable:

First:
Joanie loves Henry. She won't ever stop. And he will always be taught to love the mother who loved him more than she loved herself.

Second:
Adoption allowed her to offer Henry the best life; --a life she knew he deserved; a life she knew she couldn't offer at this time in her life.

As I think about our Joanie Girl, my heart is filled with incredible love that a 17 year old young woman, who got pregnant by a 22 year old truck driver, was able to stand immovable in her decision to choose adoption for baby Henry. She didn't have a lot of support around her,
but she, LIKE YOU, had thousands of people praying for her and other girls in her same situation.

Thank you for allowing us the opportunity to love these precious spirits that you carried next to your hearts. We honor you. We cherish you. We love you.

Adoption; it's about love.

Because Tuesdays were made for laughing

2008-12-08T22:15:00.001-06:00

Back to the Future

2008-12-07T22:28:00.000-06:00

I know.

I know.

I didn't post pictures of my family at Halloween, so here they are now. The greatest part about Halloween was Lincoln's idea of trick or treating. He would knock, say trick or treat, take the offered candy, and then he would run into people's houses yelling, "I need to see your dog." He also needed to pet one woman's cat, and see one man's tank of fish. I was driving around laughing while BatDaddy was patiently trying to man BatLincoln. Sometimes BatMommy's need a good laugh...BatHenry just smiled with me.
.
(Yes, my mom has already grounded David for holding Henry like this on the palm of his hand)

(Consequently, this is one of my favorite pictures. This shows how much Lincoln look up to his Daddy. )

I know.

I know.

I didn't post anything about our wonderful trip to see my Aunt and Uncle and perfect little cousin during Thanksgiving (this is mostly because our memory is too full to download one more thing onto the computer....so until we figure that out...no new pictures. Bummer!)

But, thanks to little M, I did learn how to make pipe-cleaner flowers, draw countless pictures of Cinderella, learn about (and implement) No-Thank-You Bites, see my extended family whom I haven't seen in 13 years, play games until my brain gave out on me, and enjoy every minute of my 5 day vacation. I was actually rested when I got back.

I know.

I know.

Oh Sweet, I haven't passed Christmas yet.