Dear Job,

Forewarning: Please understand that if you are fertile or pregnant or capable of creating children, I am happy for you. What I envy is not your child. I don't really envy actually. I desperately want my incapable body to be capable. This does not make it hard for me to be happy for you. I am honestly thrilled to see so many family and friends have beautiful children and enjoy the role of parenthood; especially motherhood. So,don't be offended or think I am incapable of feeling happy for you as I face my personal sadness. That couldn't be further from the truth.


Dear Job,

Yesterday I told my husband that I was starting to retreat into the dark spot that infertility so alluringly offers. I told him I didn't understand exactly what the Lord had promised us, even though I really did. My faith was tested, and I was a sucker for the easy way out; the way that puts all the blame on someone else, when really no one is to blame. I was disheartened and realized that I had chased away the good feelings that come when you plead with the Lord for peace. I didn't even ask for peace. Instead, I just walked down the path, deeper in the darkness, and camped out for the night. When I woke up you came to my mind so vividly. I haven't read your story for quite some time, but I knew a few things about you. First, I knew that you would never sacrifice your integrity in a moment of weakness. Second, I knew that you lost everything and still relied on the Lord.
About you it is written, In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. You grieved so much; for the loss of so much. Sometimes I ask the Lord if I have waited long enough to be blessed, and today I am humbled when I read about you. Through the loss of everything, you put your faith in the Lord.
How did you do it? How can I do it?

Sincerely,

Brandi

As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the words of the Lord: “I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee.” Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord-- James E. Faust

Thirty at 30

When I turned 30 I decided that instead of mourning the loss of my twenties, I would celebrate the birth of my thirties. In my plan for life, I would have all the kids I wanted by 32, and I told my husband that was my cutting off point. Hmmmm....two adorable kids later, I am far from done, so either I need to get pregnant with quadruplets, or someone needs to pick me to adopt a sibling group, or I am going to have to change my goal. I am still undecided on that one.

I also made the goal to do 30 new things during my thirtieth year.

So far I have:

1) re-upholstered a chair
2) learned to can (I canned apple pie filling, ground beef and chicken)
3) learned how to piece a quilt together
4) learned to make homemade lasagna with homemade noodles
5) started taking a French class.
6) made it to Lifetime Member at Weight Watchers

I still want to:

1)Take a CPR class
2)learn to drive a stick shift- anyone not scared from my teenage years who can teach me??
3)learn to play the organ

That is only 9 new things.

Any ideas???

The Giving Tree...

The other night I read "The Giving Tree," to Lincoln per his request. It hit me that the tree was always there waiting for the little boy to come back. The tree was constant.The little boy grew and changed, went through a selfish period, and finally ended up back at the tree. He always knew the tree was there and where to find him. Yes, the tree was constant. It reminded me of infertility. I'm pretty sure that any given topic could be related to infertility in my life. Haha!
For many months, I counted every day only to be disappointed at the end. I became angry, bitter, and spent quite some time in a dark spot. People tried to comfort me, but I refused the help; especially from those with numerous children. I went away from the constant, but I always knew He was there.
I occasionally went back, like the little boy, and told the tree I was too busy to listen but I needed blessings. The Constant always blessed me; even if it wasn't with the money I was asking for.

Recently, I have felt the anxiety that comes with realizing my youngest is a potty-trained two year old; not a baby anymore. And, the anxiety that comes with knowing my family isn't complete. I have felt the anxiety of "oh no! What if my Constant decides that these prayers that seems to be on the Heavenly layaway program finally get paid off when I'm 50, and ready to be a grandma?"

I had an HSG last week, where they gave me valium and lots of Advil. I asked if I could have a prescription for valium because it was awesome. (Consequently irrelevant, it reminded me of when my mom took valium for a surgery one time, and she said the funniest things. She also asked for more.) For some reason neither her nor my requests were granted. Consequently relevant, nothing was wrong with my body. Nothing is wrong with my husband's body. Nothing is wrong! Nothing.

So, I'm back at the tree, ready to stay planted near Him this time. I realize that all I have is because of Him, and He has always been here. There is nothing I can ask for without fully realizing that He has a plan, although, i have often informed my Constant that if His plan doesn't work out, I have an awesome plan He could look in to. No takers on that one either.

It's all in His hands. But, this presents the hard part. When the little boy grew up and realized that he was just going to stay planted by the tree,he sat there. BUT WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? I'm sitting at the tree, trying to be happy, and wondering what I do.

What do I do?

WHAT DO I DO?

Planting myself next to the tree
wondering what happens next

Brandi

Today

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today would be a great day for a miracle. The last time we prayed for this same blessing, to have more babies, I was broken. I had cried almost every imaginable tear, and I was falling apart. I remember the day we held Lincoln the first time. It was a miraculous and beautiful day. His birth was the reason we were welcomed to the world of parenthood. He was perfect. Equal to that beautiful day was the day we met Henry. He was perfect. He was a tiny piece of heaven, and we felt again the miracle that comes with a baby. When I picked him up and held him close to my heart, I remember the peace that came. I remember hearing, "I have not forgotten you," and I promised that day not to let myself get broken again; not to end up in that dark spot where so many hurtful tears were shed. And, for the most part, I have kept that promise. I have expressed time and again my willingness, alongside my husband, to have faith in Thy will. I have tried to show gratitude. I have prayed earnestly for more children, and have waited month after month for another miracle. I'm not broken, but I am anxious. I'm just saying today would be a great day for a miracle.

Before and Almost After

In October of 2009 I joined Weight Watchers.
My fertility doctor told me,
"You are obese... All I'm saying is if you don't want to have any more kids, and look the way you do, then stay the weight you are."
Now, as harsh as it seems, she was right.
I had extra weight.
I liked me.
My husband liked me.
I didn't want to start bringing dieting in my home
because I wanted my kids to grow up and like themselves.
But, I also wanted us to be healthy.
So, I joined weight watchers.

What's so funny, is the cliche-ness of the before and after pics. In the before pic, I am wearing old clothes and no make-up (I think I had been swimming. It was definitely not intended to be a before picture.) In the after pic, I was a bridesmaid at a beautiful wedding, so my hair was done, I had on a new dress, and makeup. But, nonetheless, here they are, in all their contrasting glory.

August 2009
165.6 lbs

June 2010
127 lbs.

Now, this post is called before and Almost after,
because I am almost done.
I want to lose about 10-15 more pounds.

Thanks for all the support and the love through this journey.
I have enjoyed buying smaller pants.

Dear Joanie! We LOVE you!

THANK YOU NEWSWEEK: Birth Moms Deserve Our Respect

Why all the conversations about adoption leave out a key player.

When I gave birth to my son two years ago, I was stunned by the depth of my feelings—not the love, I expected that. It was the sense that the life of this baby was now more important than my own. I would fight a mountain lion or step in front of a truck to protect him. I would even, if I had to, send him to my parents to live, if my husband and I could no longer provide the best care for him. That doesn’t make me special—it just means I’m a mother, same as hundreds of millions of other women. No matter whether it’s staying home, going to work, raising their kids alone or choosing to leave their children in order to provide for them, there is nothing most of us would not do to ensure our childrens’ safety. And, for some Moms, giving their children the best chance at a good life means making the most excruciating sacrifice of all: placing them up for adoption.

We hear a lot about adoption, but usually only when things go wrong or a celebrity is involved. We talk plenty about the kids themselves and the selfless families taking them in—whether they’re fictional scenarios like the adoption storyline on Glee, or all-too-real news footage from Haiti, Ethiopia, or China. But our culture still seems to show so little respect and support for the women who choose adoption in the face of an unexpected pregnancy. Rarely do we focus, in a positive way, on the birth mothers, aside from picking the most relevant stereotyped assumptions: “Pregnant teen, crack addict, prostitute, trash, etc.”

For the better part of the 20th century, adoption was seen as exploitative and cruel to birth mothers. Since single motherhood and abortion were not readily accepted options, women and girls were often forced by their families into hasty marriages or hustled into homes where their babies were taken without their informed consent. But now adoption has come out of hiding—indeed, both domestic and international adoptions have become increasingly common. One would think that women or teenage girls would be able to explore this option free of the guilt and shame. But as Amy Benfer wrote last month at Salon.com when discussing the reaction to notable on-screen pregnancies: “By the end of 2008, you could be forgiven for believing there was absolutely no way to portray a young unmarried woman who happened to be pregnant in a responsible manner: Juno was too smart, funny and likable; Katherine Heigl in ‘Knocked Up’ was too pretty and too happy; the Gloucester girls were too poor and too dumb; Jamie Lynn Spears was too rich and too dumb; Bristol Palin was too privileged and too Republican. When MTV came out with ‘16 and Pregnant’ in the summer of 2009, it was more of the same: the girls were too trashy or too popular; bad mothers for dropping out of school, or unrealistic role models for other, less privileged girls, should they continue with school.”

For Elizabeth Bartholet, professor of law and faculty director of the Child Advocacy Program at the Harvard Law School, society’s distrust of birth mothers reveals our enduring bias for biological families. “It is very deeply ingrained in our society that all kids belong where they came from, it’s unnatural to give them up. So we stigmatize surrendering the child ... but most young unmarried women who give birth are not in a good position to raise their child. What if we allowed people to think it’s also natural to give their children to somebody else to raise?” Don’t believe that we’re so biased against birth moms? Do a little thought experiment with me—imagine it’s the 2008 presidential race all over again. What do you think the response would have been if Bristol Palin had announced she was having her baby but placing it for adoption? Something tells me she wouldn’t have been hailed as a real-life Juno but as a selfish promiscuous tart who doesn’t care about her baby.

To me, it also indicates a strain of our culture that is not yet ready to accept that a mother’s love might dictate placing her child with somebody else to raise and instead dismisses her as unnatural. As Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute explained to me, “Our society has lifted much of the stigma of single motherhood, but still finds it difficult to support a woman who is, as they see it, abandoning her child. These women are told: ‘How can you possibly give up your child? What kind of person could do that?’ So while adoption is listed as viable option, it’s a choice that’s rarely made.” Indeed, the number of newborn babies available for adoption has remained flat for almost two decades while the number of unmarried women having children has soared.

What if we stopped pretending we lived in a world where the traditional nuclear family is the norm and accepted birth mothers into the fold of family life? We’ve certainly managed to do that in the world of reproductive medicine where we welcome offspring as biological even if the child was the product of donated sperm and egg. And we’ve somehow managed to accept a bewildering array of familial choices from multiple stepparents, two moms, or a single grandparent. But, thanks to society’s misgivings and misconceptions about adoption, birth mothers are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. By indicating that placing a child for adoption is a selfish or painless choice when it’s not, or talking about birth mothers as if they were all crack-addled prostitutes or at the very least wayward youth, we not only limit a woman’s right to choose but also shut out the possibility that there are other people out there who would love to adopt. Why not try respecting these women as mothers able to make the best decision for themselves and their pregnancies—even if that decision is not to parent?

We just wanted to say again: We Love you Joanie Girl!!! You are our hero. We loved seeing you this week, and we are grateful for you every day at our house!

Lincoln and Henry

I have laughed so much at the things Lincoln has said lately. I've especially enjoyed the sincerity he has in his prayers. As a Mama, it fills me with such great joy to be here each day as my boys learn and grow.

Here are a few of the precious moments I have enjoyed with Lincoln lately:

As of late he will start by asking for something, usually a snack, and then say, "If you say yes, I will be your friend." Well today he said, "Can I play the Wii? If you say yes I will stay little forever and snuggle you." How can you resist that?

Yesterday he asked for Diet Coke and asked me, "Is this Caffeine Free? or Caffeine full." This came as a shock because usually he tells me he likes caffeine three.

At rest time today, I went to lie down next to Lincoln. He was on my side of the bed, and I said jokingly, "Oh Lincoln! You took my side of the bed."

He said, " I'm a taker all right!" Then he told me Daddy taught him that!

When we put Henry down for a nap, Henry protested with 5 minutes of screaming. Lincoln said a prayer to help his brother. He said, "Dear Heavenly Father, Henry is really mad at Mama...In the name," I giggled and whispered, "please help him..." and he finished," Please help him to sleep."

Yesterday I was showing him cute pics of my darling Sister in law Rebecca. She is pregnant and has the cutest little belly you've ever seen. I said, "Lincoln, there is a baby right there," as I pointed to her tummy. He said, I wish we had a baby at our house. It is taking a loooonnnnggg time."

I told him we could pray and ask Heavenly Father for a baby. So he started,
"Dear Heavenly Father. Please send us a sister. Uuuuhhhh! It is taking a looooonnnggg time." Then he finished his prayer.

Last, but not least, our friends gave us a picture of Samuel the Lamanite, and Lincoln told me that Samuel was ugly. Later that night he said, "Mama, I'm sorry I said Samuel was ugly."

I've enjoyed watching Lincoln grow. He is such a good boy. We love him so much and I am so grateful he came to our family, allowing me all the joys that come with being his Mama.

Henry has become quite the talker. He went through three months of speech therapy at the end of last year because he had fluid in his ears, and his pediatrician at the time refused to put tubes in.
Now, the fluid is cleared out and he has wasted no time learning some very important words.

"Henry, would you like something to eat?"
"No."
"Do you want a drink?"
"No."
"Do you want a banana?"
"Nope! I don't want it!"

He loves going in the water and he said to his swim coach, "Soul Brother!" SHE thought it was really funny!

Henry has also started asking for his turn at scripture time and prayer time. He can sing most of the words to "I love to see the temple," and when you help him with the prayer, he is so tender with his words.

He loves Dr. Seuss' book "One Fish, two fish." He flips through the pages and says, "Oh looky, a hat. Oh looky a sad fish. Happy fish." And often when he hears the word happy, he breaks out into the "Wow Wow Wubbzy," song Happy, be happy, happy happy happy......"

Henry has been a delight. We look forward to seeing his birth mother next week. Not a day goes by that we don't think of her and love her. We are so grateful she allowed us the opportunity to raise such a handsome and wonderful little boy. He has been a joy. I have enjoyed every moment of being his Mama.

I love you boys. Tons Bit in the Whole World.

Quietsoldseparately.blogspot.com

I am a writer for a new blog.

quietsoldseparately.blogspot.com

One of my girlfriends from Nebraska
(our husbands went to Law School together)
started a blog by moms, for moms.
She invited be to be a contributor.

I am Tuesdays author.
My day is called
"Tuesdays in Tucson"

If you have questions, you can write a comment on the page, or of course email.

Hope to see you all there.

Brandi

Disneyland!

I haven't been to Disneyland since I was 18.
Our Memorial Day Trip was a special one.
It was David's first time to Disneyland,
and we both got to watch the magic unfold in the eyes of our children.
To see their face light up at the colors, the treats, the characters, and the never-ending fun was magical.
Having my parents there was amazing.
I don't know how we would have made it without Mookie and Papa
walking Henry around while we waited in lines.
Thanks for coming Mom and Dad.

Me and my mom!

Pre-Disney fun at the hotel.

My mom made pirate costumes for her mateys.

Of course they had to "aarrrrgh!"

Henry LAUGHED hysterically on the teacups. I think they tickled his tummy!

We've had many of these in the last four years!

The last day at Disneyland!

Me and David got to go on the Tower of Terror, which
he loved. I'm more of a Space Mountain kind of girl!

Me and my parents on the last day.

Waiting for Daddy and Papa!
the blank stare is that of two very tired boys!

The next morning when we were talking about Peter Pan, Lincoln said,
"We didn't go on Peter Pan." (He fell asleep)

We waited for 45 minutes int he submarine ride, and met some nice little girls.
Lincoln tried to impress them with this very cute trick of pulling his eyelids down.
She was very impressed. I just hope he still does this when he is 16.

Mookie and Papa

Woody spent almost the entire parade focusing on
Lincoln.
He felt really special, and was mesmerized by this life-size character. He kept asking,
"Is that the real one?"

Watching Henry as he met each character was magical.
He smiled so big each time, and it was endearing to see the overwhelming joy of a two year old.

We went on Buzz light year more than any other ride.
I don't know why.
It was really fun, and I think my Dad holds the all-time high record on the planet.

Papa, David, and Lincoln

We can't wait for many more trips to Disneyland!

Grateful

I have never been one to understand
the people who say

how grateful they are for their trials.

Simply put,
I don't like trials.
I have found infertility to be
one of the hardest things I've ever faced,
and at one point,
it created the the darkest time of my life.
I felt like it sucked happiness out of me.
I cried.
I pleaded.
I tried fasting
(which was definitely a day, as diabetics don't do so hot fasting!!!)
But,
when Henry came to our family so quickly,
I promised the Lord that
I
would not forget His hand in my life.
I promised that I wouldn't allow myself to get to that dark spot again;
I wouldn't cry for days and days without asking for peace;
And, for the most part, I have done really well.

I have been reminded of the many blessings I have been given.
In the first six months of the year
we celebrate both of our beautiful sons birthdays,
as well as the day Henry was sealed to our family.

Still, I could not bring myself to say how grateful
I was
for
trials.

Until a few short months ago.

One of my sweet brothers and his wife
had a friend that
lost her baby to SIDS.
I have read of this beautiful young mother's
adventures since that tragic day.
And she is working hard;
really hard.
She is maintaining a happy home for her husband and her children.

I was not able to capture the hurt
and emptiness that happens
as result of losing a child.
Perhaps, her blog is not her place to mourn.

But, as I read
it only took a brief moment
for me to become grateful
for my trials;
my infertility.
Burying a child seems so far beyond my ability.

I pray for this young wife and mother,
that the Lord will heal her heart,
and that she will be buoyed up
during the rough spots.
And, I am grateful for the incredible teaching moment it provided me.
I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves us.
He knows us.
For this, I am so grateful.

On Turning 30

I turn 30 next Saturday.

I am excited for this new decade of my life.
I remember when my mom was 30.
I was 8.
While my getting married and starting a family came later
I am grateful for all the lessons I have learned
before 30.
And, I look forward to the many lessons that I will learn starting
at 30;
among those I hope patience isn't still one of them. hahaha!

For my birthday, David took me to see
Carrie Underwood.
During the concert, I was overwhelmed with peace numerous times
and I wanted to share my Saturday night with you.

Number one:
When I was a missionary for
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
I remember a daily protection from the Lord, as I
served on His errand.
On Saturday night, my middle school principle sat in front of us.
She didn't really remember me, but she knew I was Mormon
She told me how sorry she was that
"you don't believe that Jesus is the Son of God."
I felt the same protection enter my heart, that I felt daily, 9 years ago as a missionary.
As I testified of our deep belief in the Savior of the World,
I felt an overwhelming peace that kept me safe.
She didn't believe me, but I knew the things I testified of were true.

Number two:
I love when singer/songwriters give credit to the Lord for where they are in life.
Carrie Underwood sang,"Jesus Take the Wheel/How Great Thou Art,"
(Click on it to listen to it.)
Once again, the things I knew to be true, namely:
I Believe in God, the Eternal Father,
and in His Son Jesus Christ,
and in the Holy Ghost,
entered my heart with such direct conviction.
I was filled with gratitude for where I am.
When I was growing up, I wanted the life that Carrie Underwood now enjoys.
I wanted to sing on a stage for thousands of people,
and I wanted to be famous for it.
I wanted to be adored by all my fans, and listened to on the radio.
When I listened to the concert last night,
I was reminded of my Sweetheart, and the two beautiful boys we have been blessed with.
I was reminded that I get to sing lullabies to my babies,
that my voice is heard in our home,
and that my husband and children know I love them, and they love me.

Number three:
Finally, I waited the entire time for one song;
"So Small"
(click on it to hear it)
I have put this song on my blog before.
I have listened to it over and over.
During the dark time of my infertility,
this song seemed to show up.
In January 2008, when I sobbed and told the Lord
that I felt as if I was being swallowed by the monster that is infertility,
this song showed up.
The moment, literally, Joanie made her decision to place Henry instead of taking him home,
this song started playing in the restaurant.
When my babysitter's mom called on Saturday night,
this song was playing.
I feel deeply connected to this song because it teaches
and re-teaches me about what it means
to endure well.


So far, 30 looks pretty good!

unbiased birthday

Sometimes I hear parents comment ,

'I might be biased but,
I think my son/daughter is the cutest in the whole world.'

Beautiful Henry, 3 days old.

Beautiful sleeper.

One of my favorite pictures. Henry looking at his Birth Mom. Almost one.

Valentines day 2009. Sealing at the Winter Quarters Temple


Definitely not biased.
Model baby in New Mexico.

Rocky Point Aug 2009

The Magic of seeing Santa Claus. December 2009

Ever seen a happier child?

Henry running at the San Diego Temple. Almost two.

Turns out,
I'm not biased.

Happy Birthday, Henry Louis
We love you tons bit in the whole world.

And, of course, my heart is filled with overwhelming gratitude for our Joanie Girl.
Our life with Henry would not have been possible without her sacrifice.
Joanie is almost ready to graduate from college.
She is engaged to a wonderful man.
She is beautiful.
She is brave.
We love you tons bit Joanie Girl
which, of course,
is the most at our house.

Our First Attempt at an Adoption Fundraiser:

Come support Our Adoption Fundraiser!!!

Indian Fry Bread / Navajo Taco Dinner

April 23, 2010

5:00-7:00 p.m.

9355 E. Wrightstown Rd.

$6.00/Adult, $3.00/Child

Standing firm

Abraham Lincoln once said,
"Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm. "

Recently, I was informed that one of the most
influential men in my life
moved with his wonderful wife,
to Arizona.

He was my mission President,
(I served as a missionary for 18 months,
for the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
and he was the leader charged with
the responsibility for me and 165 other missionaries)
Now, he and his wife are selflessly
serving as missionaries again.

By observing him,
I witnessed a beautiful marriage relationship,
I saw the blessings that come from bearing a solemn testimony of the Savior,
and I was a recipient of unconditional love.

From President and Sister White,
I learned what it meant to put my feet in the right place
and stand firm.

Through their stewardship,
I was able to be molded, and refined.

I count my mission as one of the most necessary
experiences of my life; a time
where I grew up and learned
in greater abundance who
Heavenly Father wanted me to be.

I am certain that I needed to serve a mission
in order to learn how to listen,
to learn how to endure,
to struggle and
realize the need I had to
stop relying on my own strength, and instead
to rely on an
infinite, eternal, and loving Father in Heaven

I love The Whites,
and today I am so grateful for the
eternal part they have played in helping me
on this awesome journey.

A hand out...

Dear Blogging world,

As you can see in BRIGHT RED to the right,
there is a Chip-In Widget to help us earn money for adoption.

I am not one to ask for a hand out,
without being willing to do whatever we can to help ourselves.

Here in Arizona, we are going to have a navajo taco/fry bread dinner
to earn money,
(time and place coming soon)
but for those of you in in other places,
we know you can't make it for the Spaghetti Dinner.

We don't expect this from anybody.
But, hopefully after a few letters to Warren Buffet and Donald Trump,
we will be where we need to be.

Joking aside, if you want to help, GREAT!
If you can't, we LOVE you anyways.

Sincerely,

The Johnsons.

Tax Return,

Dear First Home We Ever Owned,

Today, we pay you off,
but, we want to
thank you for providing us such a wonderful life for three years.
Thank you for protecting us from the snow.
And even though you had a crazy sloped driveway,
and lots of mice, (lots and lots)
you were so good to us.
You celebrated so much with us.
Things like:
Lincoln turning two and three.
Being a safe place to bring home Henry, and celebrating his first birthday.
A rigorous law school extravaganza,
and a handsome attorney at the end of it all.
Our very own igloo.
You shared in some of our closest friendships,
and you were there for so many tears.
You heard uncontrollable laughter,
and you stood strong (mostly) when potty training took place.
You gave us opportunities to serve.
You allowed changes so willingly
(like a new dishwasher, lots of paint, abd new drywall)
You allowed us to struggle,
but you also rejoiced when we endured the struggle and saw the light at the
end of many tunnels.

Thank you for offering us such a great life for three years.

Love,
The Johnsons

Dearth

I have been in a blogging
"dearth"
as my husband calls it.

Why?

Two little boys
who love to go to the zoo, run on the farm, jump on the trampoline, play in the goat pen, teach me how to play freeze tag, have pre-shcool time, watch movies, pour juice
plus
one extra that I watch
so that we can finish saving money for our adoption adventure!
nine piano students
who bring beautiful music; even if it is "This Old Man," over and over.
keeping house
which, by the way, is my dream come true.
I truly love cleaning the bathrooms,washing the laundry, cooking dinner, and
anything else that reminds me of the incredible roles I have as wife and mother.
Among my favorite activities are Family Night, and putting the boys to bed.
coaching my 4 year old's soccer team
haha! you'd think with 3 incredible soccer-playing brothers I would know what to do. So far we have decided on being the Lions, and we can successfully kick the soccer ball.
helping Henry learn 20 new words
through the speech therapy, he has really progressed, but our summer goal is 20 words.
starting some fertility
My body hasn't worked with previous fertility treatments, but I just want to be able to stand before my Heavenly Father someday and let Him know I did everything I could do.
weight watchers:
I have made it to minus 29.8 pounds since October 2009. I am almost at my wedding weight, and I have about 15 pounds more to go.

That's it.
anyways,
my creative brain
is on its way back.

"afar off"

Have you ever read
THIS
talk?

It is by Sister Anne C. Pingree.
During our companionship scripture study last night,
we read this talk,
and we were filled with the Spirit.

She tells of two Nigerian Sisters who walked
18 miles to renew their faith;
to promise the Lord that,
they would be strong
brave,
and courageous.

As David and I prepare to jump on the adoption train again,
I have to remind myself, that
having complete faith in the Lord,
and His plan,
and His timing,
is
what will
guide me through each day.

I believe in adoption.
I pray for successful adoptions to take place,
and I plead with the Lord to bless our family.
I believe that my divine roles are to be a wife and a mother.
I cherish these roles every day.
But, the test of faith
is allowing the Lord to work
His timetable in my life
(even when I think my chain of events for my life looks good already!)

Sister Pingree says:

"Each day our righteous living can demonstrate a faith in Jesus Christ that sees beyond mortal heartaches, disappointments, and unfulfilled promises. It is a glorious thing to possess a faith that enables us to look forward to that day “when all that was promised the Saints will be given"

I know that the waiting game sometime feels
disappointing,
heart-breaking,
and sometimes you start to wonder if the promise will remain unfulfilled.
I've felt that before.

I remember getting to the point
where I had pleaded, prayed, fasted, visited the temple,
and finally realized
it was
ALL
in the Lord's hands.

She continues:

Sometimes those blessings in our lives
that we have yet to receive
lie beyond the scope of mortal eyes.
I testify that it is always faith
that allows us to see
“afar off” with spiritual vision
all that God intends for His children.

Oh how I wish that adoption, and life in general, came with
the ability to see beyond the scope of mortal eyes.
Just once
to look and see
how long we would need to wait,
plead,
pray,
and wonder.

She adds what really penetrated my heart:

Faith is the most personal reflection of adoration for
—and devotion to—
our Heavenly Father and
His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ.
Anchored by this first and all-important principle
of the gospel, we look to our Savior,
knowing “Jesus [is] the author and finisher of our faith."

"Faith, the spiritual ability to be
persuaded of promises
that are seen “afar off”
but that may not be attained in this life,
is a sure measure of those who truly believe."

It is my quest to be a Believer;

I love my Heavenly Father. And I love the Savior.
I feel deeply grateful for the
Lord's hand that has been so freely offered in my life.

I remember holding Lincoln the first time,
and being overcome with pure joy;
a joy that was given by
the Lord who allowed me to become a mother;
a joy that is still so easily found in his smile and his I Love You.
That first moment will forever be etched in my heart.

I remember the first moment I held Henry.
Not yet legally mine, but still a perfect baby boy,
I remember tears freely falling, and being
overwhelmed with a peace that I have never forgotten.
a peace sent so abundantly from on high;
a peace that sent the assurance that
the Lord
knew me;
a joy that is still felt daily in his laughter
and his kisses.

I know that
HE
knows
my eternal family.

it is my quest to remain a believer
and it makes this new adoption journey a little easier
with the understanding that the
Author and Finisher of my faith,
the Creator of worlds,
and
the Architect of the universe,

knows me.
He knows my name.

San Diego

Lincoln turned 4 on Monday.
I don't know why it is so hard for me
that my babies grow up.
I look forward to the independent,
strong,
brave,
valiant young boys we are raising
to grow up
and be just those things.
But, it is still hard that they grow up.
I love all the snuggles,
and as much as my sweet 4 year old
promises we will always be on the same team
and he will always give me hugs and kisses
and he won't ever stop snuggling me,
I know that someday that might not be the case.
So, I have turned in to me mom, and I cry
that my kids are eventually going to be 18 and move out of the house.

For Lincoln's birthday, I found $25 airplane tickets.
So, we went to San Diego.
And, my parents met us there to celebrate.
We had an amazing time,
and I have decided that vacations to California
are a necessity.
I'm serious.
Our family at the San Diego temple.

Mookie and the boys.

Mookie, Papa, Lincoln, and the starfish.

Henry listening to Papa read
"Five Little Monkeys."

Linc, Mookie, and Papa

I love this picture, because this is what my life is made of.

The man who gave him his dimple.
Love you Papa.

Trying to get a family pic.

Mookie encouraging jumping in puddles.
Henry loved it.

Our navigator, who only wanted to see the tigers.
We walked about 50 thousand miles,
and there was ONE tiger.

Henry running around the San Diego Temple.

Me and My Mom.
(Why people can't accept that I'm adopted is beyond me...hahaha just kidding!)

Henry, Papa, Mookie, and Spunky.
(notice Henry smiles in the pictures where he is on the go, and
he is not quite as thrilled when being contained!)

Lincoln, Papa. Mookie, and Buzz

Happy Birthday Linc.
We love you Good Boy.