in Heavenly Peace

Silent night...

Holy night...

All is calm...


YEAH RIGHT.

On Friday, Henry started sleeping in a bed. For those of you who know Henry's sleeping habits, you'll know how monumental this was.

Henry ONLY sleeps in his crib. EVER. No naps on the couch, or curled up in someone's arms. Even pack-n-plays are miserable for Henry; he always puts up a really good fight before giving in to one of those.

So Friday night was a long night. And last night was even longer (Brandi doesn't remember it that way). Last night, I went in and lay by his side for half an hour. I got a good nap in, but when I finally woke back up, Henry was still wide awake right next to me.

Don't get me wrong; once he falls asleep, he actually does very well. He still sleeps in until well past 8 o'clock (one of the reasons we love him so much :D).

Tonight we after some cuddling and stories, we left Henry and Lincoln in the same bed. As Brandi was shutting the door on our two still-very-awake children, she whispered to Lincoln, "sing Henry some songs..."

She closed the door and we listened as Lincoln sang "I am a child of God" to his little brother. He finished singing, and that was the last noise we heard from their room.

For an hour.

So we went back in and this is what we found:



It was one of those experiences and sights that just melts a Daddy's heart. I love you, my angel babies.



P.S. You can't see it really well in the picture above, but YES, Henry got a haircut (boo haircuts!) Here's a better pic:

how long has it been?

Have you heard this masterpiece?
It's one of my favorites.
When I was in high school,
I begged my choir teacher to let me be an alto.
He put me as a first soprano.
The soprano that sang 2 and a half octaves above middle C
at the end of all the jazz songs.
Now,
after a few years being graduated from high school
I know why.
But, maybe in my older age/next life
I can sing these powerful notes,
and these powerful words.
But, until I can,
enjoy
THIS.

Once again,
prepare yourself for peace.
Overwhelming
perfect
peace.

Free of doubt,
free of fear.
I'll do whatever it takes
to stay
In His embrace.

Another tender mercy.
I am so grateful.

Let HIM heal your heart.

This post is going to be about
my brothers
revelation
infertility
and a forewarning.

First, the forewarning:
Don't judge me because of this post.
Don't assume that because two of my incredible brothers
just had babies,
that I am feeling sorry for myself.
Don't assume that I am filled with jealousy or envy.
Please understand that infertility is a tender subject;
one that affects the Johnson household;

Second, my brothers:
Realize that my brothers and I are 4 kids in 5 years, and so because of that,
and the fact we are all married,
our lives are all very similar in some ways:
We all have incredible spouses
and agree that my spouse is the best
(haha...if any of my brothers read this, they will totally get it!!!)
We served missions within the same few years
We went to college during some of the same years
we are starting our families at relatively similar times.

This being said,
once again
do not assume that
their happiness is what makes me sad.
Nope, their happiness fills me with happiness.

To be perfectly clear:

Hearing that my little brother Dan, had become a dad,
was a sacred and a beautiful moment.
It made me remember the joy of holding a perfect little baby the first time.
I was overcome with joy.
The tired phone call that included a beautiful giggle from him saying,
"sis, she is so pretty, and we are so happy to have her," made my eyes fill with tears.

My older brother and I got are 12 months and two weeks apart.
We got married two weeks apart.
We became parents within a few months of each other.
When he came to me with a big hug and said,
"You are a mommy,"
I was overcome with joy at the tenderness of the moment.
When he became a daddy,
I knew our sons would be good friends.
We have enjoyed talking about bed time, potty training, and other parenting techniques.

My youngest brother does not have kids yet,
but he almost has a PhD,
and he has Gus Gus.
We love that puppy.
My brother's capacity to love
has always astounded me.
He worked EFY with me
before his mission.
Some may not realize what an incredible and amazing
miracle that is, but EFY as a general rule doesn't hire pre-missionary boys.
His first week, he had naughty naughty boys, that were his same age.
He loved them, and he knew the importance of teaching them simple doctrine.
I know he will be a great dad someday.

Third, revelation and infertility:

The Lord has promised that I will have more kids.
He has been very clear with me about this promise.
For that, I am extremely grateful.

But, last night, I was weary.
I have been ready for another baby
for over a year.
to be perfectly honest, I have been ready for triplets
for 3 years.
I have sincerely asked the Lord for children,
and three quarters of me really believes that 6 at a time would be great.
But, for some reason,
unknown to me
the Lord has withheld the numberless concourses of children in my home.
please don't think for a second that I am showing ingratitude for the incredible, and valiant future missionaries who love the Lord, and are good boys,
that we are raising in our home.
We love them.
We are in love with them.
But, longing sometimes takes over
and, last night I was weary.
I believe that our family will increase soon.
soon, being a relative term,
No, I AM NOT PREGNANT
NO, WE HAVE NOT BEEN CHOSEN BY A BIRTHMOTHER
but,
last night I was tired,
and I wanted specifics.

Yes,
I wanted to know the day we would have another baby.
I wanted an answer last night, within seconds of an Amen.
I wanted to be rid of the trial of patience and faith
(haha!!!)
and just know.

But, the Lord didn't give me that.
He let me cry,
and as I separated myself, for just a moment
from the beautiful blessing of the Holy Ghost,
I realized that I needed to be
humble
patient
full of love
(Yes, thank you King Benjamin)

So,
I apologized,
and then pleaded for those things
that moments earlier
I did not want any part of.

And, today, out of the blue,
He dealt
gently with my longing.
He buoyed me up
amidst the sea of infertility.
He spoke to my heart.
He pierced my soul, and I was flooded
with the overwhelming love that
I pleaded for.

As I sat at the piano and played a song that deals with the changing heart of sin,
I was filled with how the Lord understands
ME.
while I was not in the same position as
perhaps the sinner in the song,
the cure I needed was exactly the same:

LET HIM HEAL YOUR HEART.
Tyler Castleton:
(click on the title to listen to the words)

who can know the heartache you are feeling deep inside
who can know the burdens you've carried all your life?
Darkness fills the daylight and the road is much too long
Where are heaven's answers and the strength to carry on?
when the night is lonely, and your pride and fear depart
when the tears have fallen, and the questions fill your heart
Think of How He loves you, how He longs to bring you home
Reach out for His guidance.
He has walked your path alone.

Let Him heal your heart,
Remember every promise He has made
Reach into your soul,
forsake a life of sin
and, He will shine the light inside again.
Let Him help you start
To live again,
and feel His endless love.
Let Him hold and teach you
Love and reach you
Let Him heal your heart

bum bum bum bum bum....

I have been doing pilates for 12 weeks.

I have some amazing girl friends
who
LOVE
to do pilates with me at crazy hours of the night and day.
I have also recently acquired a jogging stroller, and
my boys LOVE to go for runs.

So, you might wonder, why the love for exercise?
I like to exercise.
I exercised all growing up,
through college, and while David went
through Law School.

but more importantly,

4 months ago,
I went to see a fertility doctor.
Among other things she said
"you are obese."
it was a plain and simple statement.

You know what?
I can look at a weight chart and see that I had some weight to lose,
and so it didn't hurt my feelings.
OBESE was a little harsh, but nonetheless,

I TOLD HER:
that I liked the way I was
(and I meant it.)
I like me.
I know my husband likes me.
I didn't want weight to be an overwhelming issue in our home.
I wanted
for my kids to be healthy,
AND like who they were in the process.
(Especially where young women will be concerned, as it relates to my boys--
I want them to date and marry girls who KNOW who they are in the beautiful plan,
and who like themselves.
When my boys are 16,
I still want them to look in the mirror and say,
"I am handsome. I look amazing!")

BUT, then Dr C.
said something that stung a little

"Well, all I'm saying is, I have all the kids I want to have.
If you don't want to have any more kids, and you want to look the way you do,
then stay the weight you are."

Ouch.

So, I became motivated.
Thanks to one specific girlfriend,
who is a weight watcher super star,
and a couple of neighbors,
who LOVE pilates
I found the inner desire to do what I needed to do.

After all,
If what the doctor was saying was true,
then I should be able to get pregnant this year!
Hopefully she's right.

if not, I know a great lawyer
haha.

That being said:

I feel so happy, and I have learned
that
food is not a weakness for me.
I don't eat when I'm sad, or stressed,or emotional.
I just needed some basic guidelines, which I have received now,
to inform me on what is the right amount of food to eat!

I am half-way through my weight loss journey.
I have lost 19.4 pounds in 12 weeks


and I will laugh so hard, if you tell me I look good from this picture.
Before and after pictures coming in a few more months.!
Stay tuned!

Every Day Dream Job

Today,
I just wanted to post some pictures of our family.
we are loving life in Arizona.
This is the first calendar year of our marriage, that we have
not been in school.
David is a real-timer ;
the most handsome attorney Pima County has ever seen.
and,
I honestly could not ask for a better job.
Playing house is the dream of so many young girls;
it was my dream too.
and I am glad that I am at a point in my life
with a college degree
having served a mission
having traveled as much as I could
married to my best friend,
and my number one fan forever,
and
now
I
get to stay home
and see my boys when they wake up
and kiss their perfect,dirty, little-boy faces,
and give them tubbies,
and read them stories
and play with bugs and cars,
and learn cool tricks,like climbing trees,
and jumping on to the couch from the coffee table,
and sing to them before I lay them in bed,
and laugh when they laugh

AND

I get to be home
and look good
(let's be honest, I always comb my hair, and put a clean shirt on,
and freshen my make-up before David gets home, so he can remember the girl he dated,)
and make dinner,
and iron clothes
(I love doing that)
and pack his lunch,
and clean the bathrooms
and get the first kiss when David gets home.

What else could one girl ask for?
I feel incredibly blessed every day.
We know it is time to keep building our family,
and our first adoption interview with LDSFS is February 5th,

but in the mean time,

ENJOY my life;
my full-time job;
my dream job!

Dear Birthmother

Dear Birthmother,

We still think about you,
whoever you might be,
every day.

We are praying for you.

Whatever you might be going through,
no matter what support you have elsewhere,
you will always have us.

We want you to be part of our life.

We love you.
We hope you are close to finding us.

Seriously,
as we have tried to place ourselves in your shoes,
we realize that the selfless decision you are making
has not been made lightly.

We know you are making a decision, that hundreds of others could not make.
Thank you for valuing life.
Thank you for loving your sweet baby this much.

We love you
Tons Bit
(that's the most at our house.)

The Johnsons.

January

Well, today is a good day
to get excited for babies.
Before you get too excited.
this is not a post about babies for me and David,
it is however a congratulations for:

my sister-in-law Amy
having baby #4,
a girl, in a few weeks,
and my
sister-in-law Tina
having baby #1,
a girl, in a few weeks.

We love you girls so much.
You have been incredible sisters,
and we are so blessed to have you in the family.
Thanks for helping my brothers to be the best they can be.
I always thought my brothers were perfect,
and it has been amazing to see that they are capable of gaining even greater qualities because of you,
their spouses.

I love being a Mama.
It is the greatest calling we, as women, will ever have,
second only to being a wife

I believe that the mother heart,
regardless if one has kids or not,
is something that binds us together.
It is a blessing that we receive by divine design,
and I am so grateful that we can all share in it together.

I think what is awesome, is that even though I didn't have sisters growing up,
I inherited sisters through marriage.
I am blessed to have 5 incredible sisters now.

I have written about all of them before, and I truly feel
the Lord has blessed me
with friendship beyond measure
with laughter
with happiness
with beautiful memories
because of these,
my sisters.

Dear Birthmother

Dear Birthmother,

Here we are again.
We have been thinking a lot about you during this
Christmas season.
We can't make it through the holiday, of course,
without reflecting on the sacrifice of the Savior.
He gave His life for us.
He gave us more than we could give ourselves.
He loved us perfectly.
It would take more than a lifetime to understand His perfect love.
And yet,
as we reflect on the decision you are making,
we recognize your decision as another incredible sacrifice.
Your decision to love someone else more than you love yourself,
is beautiful.
To offer someone more than they could otherwise have,
is truly amazing.
Your decision to be so selfless at this time
emulates the Savior,
and we are eternally grateful for you.

We know we haven't met you yet,
but we already love you.

Merry Christmas
and a
Happy New Year.

December

We are going to be gone for a week!
We are headed back to
Nebraska
(actually Iowa, we couldn't break Lincoln's heart when he asked if it was Nebraska)
when we said it WAS Nebraska
Lincoln responded:
"Dad, we don't live in Arizona anymore."
"What?" David said
"Grandma is coming to get us and take us back to Nebraska."

We haven't had the heart to break the news, that
this is just a visit.

But, until we blog again--Merry Christmas.

Our Favorite Art

I admit. I got the idea from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

But I LOVE the idea of having the walls of our home covered in beautiful pictures of our family.

So, last week, I printed three pictures at 16x20 (only $6 a piece at Costco!), put them into beautiful frames, and hung them on our wall.

I love them, so I thought I would share them:





They hang on the wall above our vintage 27" tv.

Recently one of our dear friends came over and asked, "How does anyone ever watch TV? It's impossible not to stare at those pictures."

I couldn't agree more.

Emma.

My sweet neighbor,
who just returned home from and incredible mission
for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints,
came over and shared this beautiful song with our little family.

As we get ready to start the adoption process again,
I hope I can have the strength, and the faith that Emma did;
as she weathered her storms with a
Queen's Grace.

I hope that when it seems like the world is on our shoulders
and the nights grow colder,
that we can stand strong together.

Thank you Sister Emma, for your example.

Dear Birthmother

It's time to bring back our letters to

our next beautiful birthmother,
wherever and whoever she might be.

Dear Birthmother,

How are you today? We are doing great. We can't wait to meet you. We want you to know we love you. We pray for your courage to strengthen you . We honor and reverence the decision that you are making, as we know that the building of our family means that a great sacrifice has to be made; a sacrifice that you are making. We don't yet know who you are, where you have come from, or what your life plans are but we love you. We know that the biology of our family is made of courage, valiance, and a love that endures. Find us soon. We are looking for you.

The Johnsons

Believe.

Mama: Lincoln, the phone is for you

Lincoln: Hello?


Me: Who is it Sweet Boy?
Lincoln:

Lincoln: Yes! I have been nice to my brother
and I've been good for my Mama.

Lincoln: I want a transformer.
(apparently the yellow one called Bumblebee)

Lincoln: I love you too, Santa.

A moment in time

I love being a mom.

I always wanted to be a mommy.

When I found out I was pregnant
with Lincoln,
I was ecstatic.
I was in love with this tiny human
that I held close to my heart
for so long.
The first time I held him, I was overcome with emotion.
I knew that a loving Father in Heaven,
had shared a tiny piece of heaven with our family.

When infertility hit,
my desire to be a mom didn't go away.
The desire to be a mother, was known
to the Lord.
Through fasting,
prayer,
and daily pleading
He
provided a way.

In fact, in July of 2007,
the desire to fill out adoption paperwork
was so overwhelming,
as the Lord spoke to my heart
as He spoke to David's heart,
and we knew it was time.

When we met Joanie,
we fell in love with her.
She was the Angel Mother
for our Henry boy.
The first time I held Henry,
I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of
the selflessness and sacrifice shown by
our Joanie Girl.

We love her so much, and we pray for her daily, and
thank our Heavenly Father for her ability to love Henry
as much as she does.

that being said,
the time has come again.

to fill out adoption paperwork.

Families are Forever.

p.s. the song I wrote for our beautiful birthmothers is on my right sidebar called,
"It's about Love."
Enjoy.

I LOVE Forever

Ever since I met David,

November has had a special place in my heart.
It reminds me of the wonderful time
David and I courted.
the first time he held my hand
the first kiss,
the first I Love You.
the first "not a no-keep going-you are going to love what I have in store for you with this wonderful man" from the Supreme Matchmaker
the first David Roast
(if you haven't had it, you should)
the first invitation to go to his parent's home with him
the first heartache that meant we would be apart at Christmas.

On this particular day, 6 years ago
David told me he could imagine holding me
FOREVER.

He hasn't let me down.

In fact,
the same gentle inviting arms have held me through countless
moments.
While we were courting, they held me, and we longed for Forever.
In the temple, the day we got married, we held each other and thought about our new
Forever Life;
there was a lot to take in, but forever seemed wonderful.
When we found out we were expecting Lincoln, we hugged with the joy of being Forever parents.
The day we graduated from college we held on to the hope that for forever we would be able to be instruments in the Lord's hands.
When infertility hit, the holding was more frequent and a little tighter, to let me know
that Heavenly Father had promised us forever, and He wouldn't forget us.
The day, we were chosen by our Joanie Girl, we held on tight, and realized the Forever that comes from the Lord's hand, when we have done all we can do.
Today, David held on to me as he said goodbye for work.

Yes,
On this particular day, 6 years ago
David told me he could imagine holding me
FOREVER.

He hasn't let me down.

Here's to an eternity of Forever Holding!

Personal Space.

Having worked many years for
Especially For Youth
you become a little desensitized
to personal space.
Most of your days are spent hip hip hooraying,
loudly,
regardless of how close your nearest neighbor is.
Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, HEY!
It's. Amazing.

6 years ago in August,
I had finished
14 straight weeks of EFY.
that was 24 hours a day with the awesomeness of youth.

and,

I had come to accept that I had no issues with personal space.
There is comfort to be found in being so close.

Then, it happened.
I met the man of my dreams.
the man for whom I pleaded.
the man for whom I longed.
the man for whom I lived my life righteously.

David Earl.

Suddenly, in his presence, I started to
flush when he was close to me.
it was the time our foreheads were touching.
and I could feel his lips talking to mine.

Too close for comfort.
But not yet close enough, for fulfillment.

you know it must be real, when suddenly you have decide that the
alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, hey of your personal space
is something you want to share
instead of something you just share freely

6 years ago today
something magical happened.
David asked me
how I felt about him.
(I had told him not to kiss me until he was sure he really liked me. and I knew what was coming because he liked me six years plus the day before yesterday ago, and he just wanted to make sure I liked him.)
And of course,

I told him I really liked him.

(what's not to like in a package of ultimate perfection? seriously.)

And then,

He kissed me.

and since that day,

I am eternally grateful to share my
personal space

with him.

I love you David.

Here's to an eternity of kisses and personal space.
(the night before our wedding)

I'm So Glad When Daddy Comes Home.

]

I'm So Glad When Daddy Comes Home!

Glad as I can Be.

Clap my hands
And shout for joy,
and climb upon his (back and the back of his knee)

put my arms around his neck
hug him tight like this

pat his cheek

Then give him what?

A
great Big big wrestle on the ground!

(Well, we were close, right???)

He didn't pass

HE DIDN'T PASS.

It's impossible to get him to talk about it,
so please don't call.

Now I know what you are thinking:
I am probably thinking the exact same things.

But, he has worked so hard.

TRUE.

He has given so much

TRUE again

The amount that he has given to the family to keep them happy, comfortable,and to keep them going(literally) is immeasurable

Don't I Know It.

However:
we were told that with

A LITTLE MORE devotedness
to what actually needs to be addressed,
(are you kidding me?)

some tender, loving care
(for crying out loud!!!)

and

some more money
(we don't have a money tree!!!)



He

would be able to pass

the next time.

DARN EMISSIONS!





IN OTHER GREAT
AND IMPORTANT
JOHNSON NEWS:

THIS HANDSOME MAN PASSED THE BAR.

way to go Darling.

We are so proud of you.
I heard this song to day and thought about you.
Haven't we felt this?
I love you David Earl!

Dear October...

Dear October,
I never doubted you would come.
But, I am so glad you
finally showed up.

Thank you
for the beautiful leaves
(yes, even in Arizona)
and cool weather.
(Who says 77 at night time isn't cool?)
and reminding me
that this month
6 years ago
I met
my Eternal Companion.

Thanks for being here

Also, look at these beautiful blessings.
October 2009

Mine.

I remember the first time I saw David, in August 2003,
He was wearing a white church shirt, and yellow and blue suspenders.
I remember hearing him talk, and thinking "He is really smart."
People around him were happy.
They were smiling.

I wanted to know him.

Lucky for me, He wanted to know me too.

The first time he kissed me,
I went in my apartment and collapsed on the floor
and said, "I could die a thousand deaths,"
My roommates just laughed and
rolled their eyes.
They must not have known how good my life was going to be.

I did.
and I was right.
Only,
it keeps getting better.

Everyone I know that knows David
knows that he is amazing.

I remember being at his Law School Graduation,
and being part of a standing ovation that congratulated
David
(and a few others...but really for us, David)
on his accomplishment.
He worked his entire life for this.
It was his day to shine.
WE cheered for him
(even though we weren't supposed to)
because he was our dream come true.

I am in love with my husband.
Ask any of my family and his family
and they will tell you

that I think he's perfect.

I do not stray from this belief.
He is perfect.
perfect for me.

He uses phrases like
"I wait with bated breath..." to describe his desire to be sealed to me forever.
and "I only hope it's long enough," when we talk about forever.

He smells like
Old Spice : the one with the green label,
and I admit sometimes after a long day
I steal his shirt and put it on
because I love to smell him.

When he winks at me, it's the kind of wink
that shuts out all the rest of the dancers,
offering us our own stage:
just like in Jane Austen movies

His eyes
sparkle when I make his lunch and dinner,
cry when he thinks about our great nation,
and smile when our sweet boys laugh

and when he calls me Brandi Ann,
my heart jumps a beat
because
I know I am his,
and he is mine.

Today as I was driving
I heard this song
and it was the perfect
embodiment of how I feel
about my Sweetheart.

I love you, Darling.
My Only Life.