Monday, May 24, 2010


I have never been one to understand
the people who say
how grateful they are for their trials.

Simply put,
I don't like trials.
I have found infertility to be
one of the hardest things I've ever faced,
and at one point,
it created the the darkest time of my life.
I felt like it sucked happiness out of me.
I cried.
I pleaded.
I tried fasting
(which was definitely a day, as diabetics don't do so hot fasting!!!)
when Henry came to our family so quickly,
I promised the Lord that
would not forget His hand in my life.
I promised that I wouldn't allow myself to get to that dark spot again;
I wouldn't cry for days and days without asking for peace;
And, for the most part, I have done really well.

I have been reminded of the many blessings I have been given.
In the first six months of the year
we celebrate both of our beautiful sons birthdays,
as well as the day Henry was sealed to our family.

Still, I could not bring myself to say how grateful
I was

Until a few short months ago.

One of my sweet brothers and his wife
had a friend that
lost her baby to SIDS.
I have read of this beautiful young mother's
adventures since that tragic day.
And she is working hard;
really hard.
She is maintaining a happy home for her husband and her children.

I was not able to capture the hurt
and emptiness that happens
as result of losing a child.
Perhaps, her blog is not her place to mourn.

But, as I read
it only took a brief moment
for me to become grateful
for my trials;
my infertility.
Burying a child seems so far beyond my ability.

I pray for this young wife and mother,
that the Lord will heal her heart,
and that she will be buoyed up
during the rough spots.
And, I am grateful for the incredible teaching moment it provided me.
I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves us.
He knows us.
For this, I am so grateful.

Monday, May 17, 2010

On Turning 30

I turn 30 next Saturday.
I am excited for this new decade of my life.
I remember when my mom was 30.
I was 8.
While my getting married and starting a family came later
I am grateful for all the lessons I have learned
before 30.
And, I look forward to the many lessons that I will learn starting
at 30;
among those I hope patience isn't still one of them. hahaha!

For my birthday, David took me to see
Carrie Underwood.
During the concert, I was overwhelmed with peace numerous times
and I wanted to share my Saturday night with you.

Number one:
When I was a missionary for
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
I remember a daily protection from the Lord, as I
served on His errand.
On Saturday night, my middle school principle sat in front of us.
She didn't really remember me, but she knew I was Mormon
She told me how sorry she was that
"you don't believe that Jesus is the Son of God."
I felt the same protection enter my heart, that I felt daily, 9 years ago as a missionary.
As I testified of our deep belief in the Savior of the World,
I felt an overwhelming peace that kept me safe.
She didn't believe me, but I knew the things I testified of were true.

Number two:

I love when singer/songwriters give credit to the Lord for where they are in life.
Carrie Underwood sang,"Jesus Take the Wheel/How Great Thou Art,"
(Click on it to listen to it.)
Once again, the things I knew to be true, namely:
I Believe in God, the Eternal Father,
and in His Son Jesus Christ,
and in the Holy Ghost,
entered my heart with such direct conviction.
I was filled with gratitude for where I am.
When I was growing up, I wanted the life that Carrie Underwood now enjoys.
I wanted to sing on a stage for thousands of people,
and I wanted to be famous for it.
I wanted to be adored by all my fans, and listened to on the radio.
When I listened to the concert last night,
I was reminded of my Sweetheart, and the two beautiful boys we have been blessed with.
I was reminded that I get to sing lullabies to my babies,
that my voice is heard in our home,
and that my husband and children know I love them, and they love me.

Number three:
Finally, I waited the entire time for one song;
"So Small"
(click on it to hear it)
I have put this song on my blog before.
I have listened to it over and over.
During the dark time of my infertility,
this song seemed to show up.
In January 2008, when I sobbed and told the Lord
that I felt as if I was being swallowed by the monster that is infertility,
this song showed up.
The moment, literally, Joanie made her decision to place Henry instead of taking him home,
this song started playing in the restaurant.
When my babysitter's mom called on Saturday night,
this song was playing.
I feel deeply connected to this song because it teaches
and re-teaches me about what it means
to endure well.

So far, 30 looks pretty good!