Saturday, September 11, 2010

First Day of Preschool

                                                                     "It turns out Mama,
that I'm growing up
and going to Pre-School."
   That's what he said to me. 
And then he went. 
And, he loved it.
(outside Mrs. Malia's house)

Lincoln was born smart. I am not worried about him excelling in school, as he can already write his letters, and some of his numbers. He can read quite a few sight words, and he is really, really good at sounding out new words.
If I was to worry about anything, it would be the classroom stats: 11 boys and one sweet girl. Other than that, no worries. 
He is growing up. I don't get a choice.
I hate it
and I love it
But, for as long as I can I'm holding on to this sweet boy who still lets me sing him to sleep.
I love you Lincoln Daniel.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Dear Job,

Forewarning: Please understand that if you are fertile or pregnant or capable of creating children, I am happy for you. What I envy is not your child. I don't really envy actually. I desperately want my incapable body to be capable. This does not make it hard for me to be happy for you. I am honestly thrilled to see so many family and friends have beautiful children and enjoy the role of parenthood; especially motherhood. So,don't be offended or think I am incapable of feeling happy for you as I face my personal sadness. That couldn't be further from the truth.

Dear Job,

Yesterday I told my husband that I was starting to retreat into the dark spot that infertility so alluringly offers. I told him I didn't understand exactly what the Lord had promised us, even though I really did. My faith was tested, and I was a sucker for the easy way out; the way that puts all the blame on someone else, when really no one is to blame. I was disheartened and realized that I had chased away the good feelings that come when you plead with the Lord for peace. I didn't even ask for peace. Instead, I just walked down the path, deeper in the darkness, and camped out for the night. When I woke up you came to my mind so vividly. I haven't read your story for quite some time, but I knew a few things about you. First, I knew that you would never sacrifice your integrity in a moment of weakness. Second, I knew that you lost everything and still relied on the Lord.
About you it is written, In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. You grieved so much; for the loss of so much. Sometimes I ask the Lord if I have waited long enough to be blessed, and today I am humbled when I read about you. Through the loss of everything, you put your faith in the Lord.
How did you do it? How can I do it?



As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the words of the Lord: “I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee.” Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord-- James E. Faust