Thursday, August 26, 2010

Thirty at 30

When I turned 30 I decided that instead of mourning the loss of my twenties, I would celebrate the birth of my thirties. In my plan for life, I would have all the kids I wanted by 32, and I told my husband that was my cutting off point. Hmmmm....two adorable kids later, I am far from done, so either I need to get pregnant with quadruplets, or someone needs to pick me to adopt a sibling group, or I am going to have to change my goal. I am still undecided on that one.

I also made the goal to do 30 new things during my thirtieth year.

So far I have:

1) re-upholstered a chair
2) learned to can (I canned apple pie filling, ground beef and chicken)
3) learned how to piece a quilt together
4) learned to make homemade lasagna with homemade noodles
5) started taking a French class.
6) made it to Lifetime Member at Weight Watchers

I still want to:

1)Take a CPR class
2)learn to drive a stick shift- anyone not scared from my teenage years who can teach me??
3)learn to play the organ

That is only 9 new things.

Any ideas???

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Giving Tree...

The other night I read "The Giving Tree," to Lincoln per his request. It hit me that the tree was always there waiting for the little boy to come back. The tree was constant.The little boy grew and changed, went through a selfish period, and finally ended up back at the tree. He always knew the tree was there and where to find him. Yes, the tree was constant. It reminded me of infertility. I'm pretty sure that any given topic could be related to infertility in my life. Haha!
For many months, I counted every day only to be disappointed at the end. I became angry, bitter, and spent quite some time in a dark spot. People tried to comfort me, but I refused the help; especially from those with numerous children. I went away from the constant, but I always knew He was there.
I occasionally went back, like the little boy, and told the tree I was too busy to listen but I needed blessings. The Constant always blessed me; even if it wasn't with the money I was asking for.

Recently, I have felt the anxiety that comes with realizing my youngest is a potty-trained two year old; not a baby anymore. And, the anxiety that comes with knowing my family isn't complete. I have felt the anxiety of "oh no! What if my Constant decides that these prayers that seems to be on the Heavenly layaway program finally get paid off when I'm 50, and ready to be a grandma?"

I had an HSG last week, where they gave me valium and lots of Advil. I asked if I could have a prescription for valium because it was awesome. (Consequently irrelevant, it reminded me of when my mom took valium for a surgery one time, and she said the funniest things. She also asked for more.) For some reason neither her nor my requests were granted. Consequently relevant, nothing was wrong with my body. Nothing is wrong with my husband's body. Nothing is wrong! Nothing.

So, I'm back at the tree, ready to stay planted near Him this time. I realize that all I have is because of Him, and He has always been here. There is nothing I can ask for without fully realizing that He has a plan, although, i have often informed my Constant that if His plan doesn't work out, I have an awesome plan He could look in to. No takers on that one either.

It's all in His hands. But, this presents the hard part. When the little boy grew up and realized that he was just going to stay planted by the tree,he sat there. BUT WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? I'm sitting at the tree, trying to be happy, and wondering what I do.

What do I do?


Planting myself next to the tree
wondering what happens next