Sunday, January 31, 2010

in Heavenly Peace

Silent night...

Holy night...

All is calm...


On Friday, Henry started sleeping in a bed. For those of you who know Henry's sleeping habits, you'll know how monumental this was.

Henry ONLY sleeps in his crib. EVER. No naps on the couch, or curled up in someone's arms. Even pack-n-plays are miserable for Henry; he always puts up a really good fight before giving in to one of those.

So Friday night was a long night. And last night was even longer (Brandi doesn't remember it that way). Last night, I went in and lay by his side for half an hour. I got a good nap in, but when I finally woke back up, Henry was still wide awake right next to me.

Don't get me wrong; once he falls asleep, he actually does very well. He still sleeps in until well past 8 o'clock (one of the reasons we love him so much :D).

Tonight we after some cuddling and stories, we left Henry and Lincoln in the same bed. As Brandi was shutting the door on our two still-very-awake children, she whispered to Lincoln, "sing Henry some songs..."

She closed the door and we listened as Lincoln sang "I am a child of God" to his little brother. He finished singing, and that was the last noise we heard from their room.

For an hour.

So we went back in and this is what we found:

It was one of those experiences and sights that just melts a Daddy's heart. I love you, my angel babies.

P.S. You can't see it really well in the picture above, but YES, Henry got a haircut (boo haircuts!) Here's a better pic:

Thursday, January 28, 2010

how long has it been?

Have you heard this masterpiece?
It's one of my favorites.
When I was in high school,
I begged my choir teacher to let me be an alto.
He put me as a first soprano.
The soprano that sang 2 and a half octaves above middle C
at the end of all the jazz songs.
after a few years being graduated from high school
I know why.
But, maybe in my older age/next life
I can sing these powerful notes,
and these powerful words.
But, until I can,

Once again,
prepare yourself for peace.

Free of doubt,
free of fear.
I'll do whatever it takes
to stay
In His embrace.

Another tender mercy.
I am so grateful.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Let HIM heal your heart.

This post is going to be about
my brothers
and a forewarning.

First, the forewarning:
Don't judge me because of this post.
Don't assume that because two of my incredible brothers
just had babies,
that I am feeling sorry for myself.
Don't assume that I am filled with jealousy or envy.
Please understand that infertility is a tender subject;
one that affects the Johnson household;

Second, my brothers:
Realize that my brothers and I are 4 kids in 5 years, and so because of that,
and the fact we are all married,
our lives are all very similar in some ways:
We all have incredible spouses
and agree that my spouse is the best
(haha...if any of my brothers read this, they will totally get it!!!)
We served missions within the same few years
We went to college during some of the same years
we are starting our families at relatively similar times.

This being said,
once again
do not assume that
their happiness is what makes me sad.
Nope, their happiness fills me with happiness.

To be perfectly clear:

Hearing that my little brother Dan, had become a dad,
was a sacred and a beautiful moment.
It made me remember the joy of holding a perfect little baby the first time.
I was overcome with joy.
The tired phone call that included a beautiful giggle from him saying,
"sis, she is so pretty, and we are so happy to have her," made my eyes fill with tears.

My older brother and I got are 12 months and two weeks apart.
We got married two weeks apart.
We became parents within a few months of each other.
When he came to me with a big hug and said,
"You are a mommy,"
I was overcome with joy at the tenderness of the moment.
When he became a daddy,
I knew our sons would be good friends.
We have enjoyed talking about bed time, potty training, and other parenting techniques.

My youngest brother does not have kids yet,
but he almost has a PhD,
and he has Gus Gus.
We love that puppy.
My brother's capacity to love
has always astounded me.
He worked EFY with me
before his mission.
Some may not realize what an incredible and amazing
miracle that is, but EFY as a general rule doesn't hire pre-missionary boys.
His first week, he had naughty naughty boys, that were his same age.
He loved them, and he knew the importance of teaching them simple doctrine.
I know he will be a great dad someday.

Third, revelation and infertility:

The Lord has promised that I will have more kids.
He has been very clear with me about this promise.
For that, I am extremely grateful.

But, last night, I was weary.
I have been ready for another baby
for over a year.
to be perfectly honest, I have been ready for triplets
for 3 years.
I have sincerely asked the Lord for children,
and three quarters of me really believes that 6 at a time would be great.
But, for some reason,
unknown to me
the Lord has withheld the numberless concourses of children in my home.
please don't think for a second that I am showing ingratitude for the incredible, and valiant future missionaries who love the Lord, and are good boys,
that we are raising in our home.
We love them.
We are in love with them.
But, longing sometimes takes over
and, last night I was weary.
I believe that our family will increase soon.
soon, being a relative term,
last night I was tired,
and I wanted specifics.

I wanted to know the day we would have another baby.
I wanted an answer last night, within seconds of an Amen.
I wanted to be rid of the trial of patience and faith
and just know.

But, the Lord didn't give me that.
He let me cry,
and as I separated myself, for just a moment
from the beautiful blessing of the Holy Ghost,
I realized that I needed to be
full of love
(Yes, thank you King Benjamin)

I apologized,
and then pleaded for those things
that moments earlier
I did not want any part of.

And, today, out of the blue,
He dealt
gently with my longing.
He buoyed me up
amidst the sea of infertility.
He spoke to my heart.
He pierced my soul, and I was flooded
with the overwhelming love that
I pleaded for.

As I sat at the piano and played a song that deals with the changing heart of sin,
I was filled with how the Lord understands
while I was not in the same position as
perhaps the sinner in the song,
the cure I needed was exactly the same:

Tyler Castleton:
(click on the title to listen to the words)

who can know the heartache you are feeling deep inside
who can know the burdens you've carried all your life?
Darkness fills the daylight and the road is much too long
Where are heaven's answers and the strength to carry on?
when the night is lonely, and your pride and fear depart
when the tears have fallen, and the questions fill your heart
Think of How He loves you, how He longs to bring you home
Reach out for His guidance.
He has walked your path alone.

Let Him heal your heart,
Remember every promise He has made
Reach into your soul,
forsake a life of sin
and, He will shine the light inside again.
Let Him help you start
To live again,
and feel His endless love.
Let Him hold and teach you
Love and reach you
Let Him heal your heart

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

bum bum bum bum bum....

I have been doing pilates for 12 weeks.

I have some amazing girl friends
to do pilates with me at crazy hours of the night and day.
I have also recently acquired a jogging stroller, and
my boys LOVE to go for runs.

So, you might wonder, why the love for exercise?
I like to exercise.
I exercised all growing up,
through college, and while David went
through Law School.

but more importantly,

4 months ago,
I went to see a fertility doctor.
Among other things she said
"you are obese."
it was a plain and simple statement.

You know what?
I can look at a weight chart and see that I had some weight to lose,
and so it didn't hurt my feelings.
OBESE was a little harsh, but nonetheless,

that I liked the way I was
(and I meant it.)
I like me.
I know my husband likes me.
I didn't want weight to be an overwhelming issue in our home.
I wanted
for my kids to be healthy,
AND like who they were in the process.
(Especially where young women will be concerned, as it relates to my boys--
I want them to date and marry girls who KNOW who they are in the beautiful plan,
and who like themselves.
When my boys are 16,
I still want them to look in the mirror and say,
"I am handsome. I look amazing!")

BUT, then Dr C.
said something that stung a little

"Well, all I'm saying is, I have all the kids I want to have.
If you don't want to have any more kids, and you want to look the way you do,
then stay the weight you are."


So, I became motivated.
Thanks to one specific girlfriend,
who is a weight watcher super star,
and a couple of neighbors,
who LOVE pilates
I found the inner desire to do what I needed to do.

After all,
If what the doctor was saying was true,
then I should be able to get pregnant this year!
Hopefully she's right.

if not, I know a great lawyer

That being said:

I feel so happy, and I have learned
food is not a weakness for me.
I don't eat when I'm sad, or stressed,or emotional.
I just needed some basic guidelines, which I have received now,
to inform me on what is the right amount of food to eat!

I am half-way through my weight loss journey.
I have lost 19.4 pounds in 12 weeks

and I will laugh so hard, if you tell me I look good from this picture.
Before and after pictures coming in a few more months.!
Stay tuned!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Every Day Dream Job

I just wanted to post some pictures of our family.
we are loving life in Arizona.
This is the first calendar year of our marriage, that we have
not been in school.
David is a real-timer ;
the most handsome attorney Pima County has ever seen.
I honestly could not ask for a better job.
Playing house is the dream of so many young girls;
it was my dream too.
and I am glad that I am at a point in my life
with a college degree
having served a mission
having traveled as much as I could
married to my best friend,
and my number one fan forever,
get to stay home
and see my boys when they wake up
and kiss their perfect,dirty, little-boy faces,
and give them tubbies,
and read them stories
and play with bugs and cars,
and learn cool tricks,like climbing trees,
and jumping on to the couch from the coffee table,
and sing to them before I lay them in bed,
and laugh when they laugh


I get to be home
and look good
(let's be honest, I always comb my hair, and put a clean shirt on,
and freshen my make-up before David gets home, so he can remember the girl he dated,)
and make dinner,
and iron clothes
(I love doing that)
and pack his lunch,
and clean the bathrooms
and get the first kiss when David gets home.

What else could one girl ask for?
I feel incredibly blessed every day.
We know it is time to keep building our family,
and our first adoption interview with LDSFS is February 5th,

but in the mean time,

ENJOY my life;
my full-time job;
my dream job!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Dear Birthmother

Dear Birthmother,

We still think about you,
whoever you might be,
every day.

We are praying for you.

Whatever you might be going through,
no matter what support you have elsewhere,
you will always have us.

We want you to be part of our life.

We love you.
We hope you are close to finding us.

as we have tried to place ourselves in your shoes,
we realize that the selfless decision you are making
has not been made lightly.

We know you are making a decision, that hundreds of others could not make.
Thank you for valuing life.
Thank you for loving your sweet baby this much.

We love you
Tons Bit
(that's the most at our house.)

The Johnsons.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010


Well, today is a good day
to get excited for babies.
Before you get too excited.
this is not a post about babies for me and David,
it is however a congratulations for:

my sister-in-law Amy
having baby #4,
a girl, in a few weeks,
and my
sister-in-law Tina
having baby #1,
a girl, in a few weeks.

We love you girls so much.
You have been incredible sisters,
and we are so blessed to have you in the family.
Thanks for helping my brothers to be the best they can be.
I always thought my brothers were perfect,
and it has been amazing to see that they are capable of gaining even greater qualities because of you,
their spouses.

I love being a Mama.
It is the greatest calling we, as women, will ever have,
second only to being a wife

I believe that the mother heart,
regardless if one has kids or not,
is something that binds us together.
It is a blessing that we receive by divine design,
and I am so grateful that we can all share in it together.

I think what is awesome, is that even though I didn't have sisters growing up,
I inherited sisters through marriage.
I am blessed to have 5 incredible sisters now.

I have written about all of them before, and I truly feel
the Lord has blessed me
with friendship beyond measure
with laughter
with happiness
with beautiful memories
because of these,
my sisters.