When My Darling David and I moved from Tucson to Mesa, we were excited for our next great adventure. Promises of great wealth from the new company kept us motivated and we knew the many hours that each week demanded would be worth it. After three years of researching antidepressants, I finally decided it was time to start. Too many nights of unsolicited tears soon came to an end and a new journey began. I had joined weight watchers and lost 40 pounds, being thinner than my high school days. I felt great. As we started looking we had a house that found and claimed us. We knew it was our home. We also knew it would take a lot of work to restore it. Our home needed a lot to be practical for living. When we got ready to move in, and much to our surprise, the bank had painted the inside and the outside of the home. One financial burden lifted from our very limited budget was pure grace. We were offered something we could not provide for ourselves at that moment.
Seven months after promises of great wealth David’s company
unexpectedly let him go. The next morning David was at the temple and by the end
of the week he had applied for 35 jobs. Four months into the year we still had
no job and things looked bleak. We never lost faith and we felt like we would
be taken care of, though the stress of looking forward was sometimes quite
overwhelming at times. Here you must note the faith of my Darling David. He is perfect for me. In 11 years of knowing him he has never once spoken an unkind word to me. I do not say that because this a beautiful moment to make extreme comments. The man I married is everything and more that he promised to be. I often wonder how I got so lucky to be his wife. Through the kindness, compassion, and generosity of
unknown givers during this year we survived a year making a grand total of $18, 000. We truly
came to understand the things that you really needed to keep on going.
We kept going. As I look back I see the way that depression crept
in. Weight gain was slowly creeping up on me. Exhaustion hit and my life felt
out of control. I felt completely unable to help. I know my husband felt the
pressure of providing. Our Bishop at the time looked at me in an interview and
said “Sister Johnson, you are not going to get a job. You need to be in your
home.” He had no idea that I even considered that, but he loved the Lord and he
counseled so clearly from above. There were many tears on my side. But we kept on going. In August of 2013, my in
laws came to visit. They are magical. They love to serve and my kitchen was
transformed into happy colors. My freezer was filled with freezer meals. Breakfast,
lunch, and dinner was ready and clothes were ironed by the dozens. Often I sit at the table and think about the
time and energy they spend loving others. We stayed up late and I was able to
talk freely and listen. I came away that night realizing I was conflicted. Not eternally.
Not in my faith. Just conflicted in how to fight an internal battle. David’s
dad gave him a father’s blessing. Father's blessings are one of the most sacred tender mercies.
2014 was better and after 15 months of being self employed David’s client base continued to grow. Lincoln got baptized
and family came to support us. I went through some experiences that were
personally devastating. My husband knew. My mom and dad knew. I knew. I read my
scriptures, said my prayers, and went to the temple. This is when I realized
that depression cannot always be cured with just a little more faith and
prayer. Last July, my Dad sent me and my mom on a trip. They knew I was
struggling. One day, I remember my sweetheart being in court and so I called my
dad. I told him I was sad. I told him I didn’t want to do anything except
sleep. He talked to me with the Spirit and guided me. MY dad has a way to cross
states with his priesthood power and touch my life.
My trip with my mom was
great. I believe this is a time that mothers wait for throughout the lives of
their kids; the time you can be friends; the time you can just be together
without any expectation other than you are here for me and I am here for you. I
was once again reminded that there are angels all around us all the time. Sometimes,
for the lucky ones, they come in the form of our mothers. No judgements. Just sincere
concern and love.
In September 2014,
Ana and Bobby Ray came into our family. Two young kids raised in the foster
care system. They had both found themselves homeless. They both individually
investigated the church and were baptized. Heavenly Father taught me how to
reach outside myself and love others how He loves me. The only thing is, is
that He is perfect, and I am not. But I am learning.
The internal war
still and often continues in my mind. I feel sometimes like I am
standing in front of a large cement wall with only two picks to use to climb. In
my mind they seem like plastic picks that really won’t get me anywhere, but in
my mind the logic outweighs this because I have to be able climb using those
picks so I know they are sturdier than I think. Some days I feel like I grab
those picks and start climbing the large cement mountain. I feel like I make
great progress and then I look up only to feel like the little mouse in
Cinderella where looking up makes you realize how much farther you actually have
to go. To hold on and to keep going is always an option, but so is climbing
back down and sitting for a minute. That’s the beautiful thing about minutes. I
have sat for many minutes. Sometimes I only make it back to the last place I climbed
and then jump down (I haven’t made it far enough where danger follows the jump)
and rest (to clarify rest: plead, cry, sleep, don't sleep,) again. Digging in cement with a pick is hard. Making a big enough hole
for one foothold; continuous footholds sometimes seems impossible. I have those
days; the days where the footholds are not strong enough to get me any higher
on my own. The atonement has strengthened me through countless nights of crying
and pleading with the Lord to help me. Sometimes He eases my burden by calming
my body with sleep before I can even finish asking. Sometimes He keeps me awake
and communicates with me when my spirit has reached the point of submission and I have no other choice but to listen to Him.
Sometimes I stick one more pick in the wall. Sometimes I hold
the picks and ask why? Sometimes I cry and tell Him how frustrated I am that I don’t
have a demolition machine to just knock down the cement wall where I am sure
the blessings I seek are waiting.
He reminds me to look in the rear view mirror just long enough to see
how many other cement walls I have climbed and conquered with His help.
He lets me climb.
Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it makes me angry. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes it seems it might break me. Sometimes I am certain the climb will never end.
But,
He lets me climb.
and when I allow my spirit to communicate with Him
He climbs with me.
I love the Lord. I love Him. I know He loves me.
-Brandi
Music that has lifted me during the darkness of cement walls:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xwzItqYmII
