Forewarning: Please understand that if you are fertile or pregnant or capable of creating children, I am happy for you. What I envy is not your child. I don't really envy actually. I desperately want my incapable body to be capable. This does not make it hard for me to be happy for you. I am honestly thrilled to see so many family and friends have beautiful children and enjoy the role of parenthood; especially motherhood. So,don't be offended or think I am incapable of feeling happy for you as I face my personal sadness. That couldn't be further from the truth.
Dear Job,
Yesterday I told my husband that I was starting to retreat into the dark spot that infertility so alluringly offers. I told him I didn't understand exactly what the Lord had promised us, even though I really did. My faith was tested, and I was a sucker for the easy way out; the way that puts all the blame on someone else, when really no one is to blame. I was disheartened and realized that I had chased away the good feelings that come when you plead with the Lord for peace. I didn't even ask for peace. Instead, I just walked down the path, deeper in the darkness, and camped out for the night. When I woke up you came to my mind so vividly. I haven't read your story for quite some time, but I knew a few things about you. First, I knew that you would never sacrifice your integrity in a moment of weakness. Second, I knew that you lost everything and still relied on the Lord.
About you it is written, In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. You grieved so much; for the loss of so much. Sometimes I ask the Lord if I have waited long enough to be blessed, and today I am humbled when I read about you. Through the loss of everything, you put your faith in the Lord.
How did you do it? How can I do it?
Sincerely,
Brandi
As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the words of the Lord: “I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee.” Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord-- James E. Faust
Our Amazing Daughter
9 years ago
5 comments:
One of the things my mission president (A very wise man) used to say to me in many interviews when I had broken down and thought I couldn't go on was, "The Lord is preparing you for something two hundred and fifty thousand years from now." I had never thought of our trials in that way exactly. And somehow it helped. I always felt like I was just abandoned, but he helped me realize I should be learning something. I'm not telling you to try to learn something or anything like that. I just thought I'd share some words of wisdom that helped me once. I love you and I know you'll get through this. The Lord must really love you and your family.
I love you sweet girl. I know the Lord does too. Even when things are hard. You're in my thoughts & prayers. :)
Love ya Brandi.
Remember that Job didn't die alone and unhappy. After he dealt with all he went through, he was eventually blessed with more than he had before. The blessings will come. It's hard while you're waiting, but they're come!
Oh Brandi! I love you so much! I don't know why your loving mother heart is being tested so and it doesn't seem fair to me. But what I DO know is that Heavenly Father loves you so much and is always there. You are such an example to me to lean on the Lord. I hope that dark place doesn't find you and my prayers are with you everyday! EVERYDAY!
You are so eloquent and good at putting your feelings to words. I am going into that dark place with you as well...but your words let me know that I am not alone. It is so very HARD not to blame, and to not look at people who get "knocked-up" and not hate them for keeping children that they do not deserve to raise with such baseless "parenting skills". We are starting the adoption process over, again, now that we have moved, again. The bright side is that at least you have 2 beautiful children who love you.
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