Oh No!

Dear Family and Friends,

Oh, NO!

Here we are again, asking for your help.

your prayers.

your faith.

Joanie had a cousin, who didn't want her to place the baby for adoption.
She called Potential Birthfather #2, Trent, and said that Joanie had a baby, and

it could be his.

He's having a paternity test done on Saturday.

PLEASE. PLEASE.PLEASE.

don't let this be his baby.

(He is adamant about keeping Henry, if it is in fact his baby.)

Our case worker said he's never seen it actually go this far.

but, if Henry is Trent's baby,

we have to hand him over.

Trent is not concerned about what's best for the baby.
Joanie was concerned.
She sacrificed.
Trent is only concerned about himself.

I can't do it.
I love Henry.

I feel ......(i don't know what to put here. I'm numb)

I love Henry. I really. really. love him.
David loves Henry. really. really loves him.
Lincoln adores Henry, and he is a great big brother.

If you can pray, and talk to Heavenly Father,

pray that Trent's heart will be softened.
pray that our faith will be strengthened.

pray for Henry.

Adoption throughout my life: part III continued

A tribute to our Joanie Girl
This is a tribute to our Joanie.
We have loved this girl from the start.
We have no words to describe what we feel at this time.

How do you thank someone for the most precious gift;

the gift of life;

the gift of love;

the gift of sacrifice.

Joanie,

Today is about celebrating you.
For you, the idea of celebrating must be bittersweet.

When we first met, you mentioned that someday

you wanted to have a family.

You wanted a husband and kids

In the last few months, your world has changed. You didn't have a husband, but...

you were having a baby.

Anthony was long gone and yet, you carried this baby for nine long months (plus an extra day). You endured through morning sickeness, cravings, the weight gain, and the looks from the people in your small town.

You endured the pains of labor.

Then, after all of that...

You made an eternal choice
A sacrifice
And we all shed tears.
Tears of uncertainty.
Tears for this beautiful new life.
Tears of joy.
Tears of separation.
Tears.
Lots and lots of tears.

Why, you ask, are we celebrating?

Often times over the past year and a half, I have often felt as Rachel did. Rachel's womb was closed and she exclaimed, "give me a child or else I die."

We celebrate you today for your decision. Your sacrifice has softened that burden, and your maturity astounds us.

Now, I know a thank you won't take away your tears. And, I know a smile won't silence all your fears.

So, you listen, and I'll talk about today;

the day we celebrate you.

First Joanie Girl, you beat the odds. Abortion rates with teenage, unplanned pregnancy, are skyrocketing and young mother's keeping their babies is on the rise.

Your best girls friends tried to convince you to keep the baby,
Even some of your family ridiculed your decision to place the baby.

and yet...

You WERE brave.

It was a tough road.
We waited as you started to work through the grieving process.

We waited as you went searching for the strength to place.

I don't know what that must have been like.

BUT

I am so grateful that you chose to be part of the 1%,

that tiny number,

who went forward with the pregnancy,

and decided to do what was best for the baby

You decided to place sweet Henry for adoption.

Your mother passed away when you were 13. She was a single mother, and you told me that as much as you loved her, and as good of a job as she tried to do, you didn't want this sweet boy to be put in daycare with a mother who worked fast food to tray and make ends meet. Your wisdome surpasses your age; something we are extremely grateful for.

You are enrolled in college. By age 21, you will have a degree. With an education, your opportunitites will be innumberable.

Joanie, you will be a pioneer in your family; the first one with a college degree.

You are a miracle.

Each day, I will thank God for a brave young woman; a pioneer; a young woman who didn't conform to the crowd; a young woman who desires to have a family in the right time; a young woman who values education; a young woman who let me love again.

Today Joanie, we celebrate you.

Don't worry, I will always give him two hugs and two kisses.

Thank you Joanie for this precious gift.

We Love You.

And today and always,

We Celebrate You.

Adoption throughout my life: Part III

This post will soon be written.

Don't worry,

it has a very happy beginning

Henry Louis was born April 22nd, 2008

He rang in at 5lbs 14 oz, 18 in

We arrived home with him at 1:00 a.m. today.

The whole story will soon be written.

Thank you for your prayers in our behalf.

Thank you Joanie for your sacrifice.

We love you so much.

Vacillating

Dear Friends,

We have come to the point that we hoped would never come. Joanie is uncertain about whether she would like to go through with the adoption. We want to ask all of you to take a moment and say a prayer for her. That she will be strengthened. That she will make the right choice. We have felt the Lord's hand in our lives as a constant throughout this process, and especially today. But, we would still appreciate your prayers.

Thank you.

Dear brother of Jared...

Dear brother of Jared,

You are an amazing example of being a "doer." Things in your life were not easy. Language was confounded, people relied on you to steer them in a direction to find hope. You had a lot to get done and not a lot of time to complain about it. I admire your courage.

I hope I can raise my sons and daughters to have unfaltering faith just like you.

Today, my postst is intended to be some of the important things I have learned in the last 18 months.

I do this in the hopes that when the future brings discouragment and trials, I can remember where I have been, and be, "as a whale in the midst of the sea."
(Book of Mormon, Ether2:24)

The last 18 months, I have gained a deeper respect for what this scripture means to me.

Brother of Jared:

The Lord commanded the brother of Jared, "Go to work..." and build barges so that his people could cross the water safely.
The brother of Jared got to work.
He was obedient.
And yet, his barges were dark.

The brother of Jared continued in obedience, and when he had nothing else he could do, he pleaded with the Lord, saying:

"O Lord, behold I have done even as thou hast commanded me; and I have prepared the vessels for my people, and behold there is no light in them. Behold, O Lord, wilt thou suffer that we shall cross this great water in darkness?"

(Ether 2:22)

Dear brother of Jared,

I feel for you. I really do.
My situation is different, but I am beginning to understand your pleadings.

The Lord has commanded me to "multiply and replenish."

I "got to work"

I was obedient

And, yet, after all I could do, I still felt the darkness of infertility.

A dark womb.

I have pleaded with the Lord:

"Lord, I have done even as thou commanded me; and I have prepared a home worthy of more children. I have magnified my calling, supported my husband, loved our son. O, Lord, wilt thou suffer that I should not be blessed with any more children?"

Dear brother of Jared,

You had been so obedient, and yet the Lord still needed you to do a little more. He wanted you to continue in the faith. I wonder it there were times of despair. How did you feel when the Lord said:

"What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels? For behold, ye cannot have windows, for they will be dashed in pieces; neither shall ye take fire with you, for ye shall not go by the light of fire. "

(Ether 2: 23)

Now, the Lord knew exactly what would happen if the vessel wasn't made completely to His instruction. He knew it would be dashed in pieces if windows were added, and fire wouldn't work.

Now, I don't know if windows and fire were your ideas. And, to be honest, if they were, good for you for being a problem solver and trying your best to do what you were supposed to do.

It seems though, that the Lord, as always knew what would happen.

What did you feel? frustration? despair? Did you hope that the Lord would just tell you what to do?

Hmmm...I have felt those things. Yet, the Lord knows what I need better than I do.

He has always been right.

He has guided me.

Day by Day.

Yes.

He listens with each decision that I have taken to Him.

Dear brother of Jared,

Thanks for writing down this next part.
It's my favorite part when the Lord said:

"And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come..."

(Ether 2:25)

I really believe that the Lord knew that my diabetic body wasn't ready to sustain another pregnancy when I thought it should. I never would have been able to cross the great deep, if the Lord hadn't prepared me first. The ideas I brought to the Lord--my windows and fires-- would have dashed my body, and ultimately wouldn't have worked.

But, again, the Lord knew that.

He knew what would and would not work for the brother of Jared,

And He knew the same for me.

So he prepared another way for me to make it through the waves, the winds, and the floods.

He has allowed me to do all I could do, and then He has shown me the way.

Dear brother of Jared,

Thanks for your story.

It has changed my life.

It has allowed me to find light in the darkness.

With Respect and admiration,

Brandi

Adoption throughout my Life: Part II

A very important thought crossed my mind last month after I wrote:

adoption throughout my life.

Without meaning to, I totally neglected to write about my mom's mom, Patricia Nelson.

I learned a lot from my Grandma Nelson.
No matter what anyone else in the family says, I was her favorite, and she was mine.
(I don't think anyone would disagree.)
Before she passed away, she told me that if she was ever going to join a church, it would be the Mormon Church. (my mom was a convert at 16)

Even though she didn't join the church on this earth, Grandma was one of the most Christ-like people I have ever known.

She was a silent-giver.
When my cousin Ed (a cousin on my dad's side of the family) was in a life-threatening car accident, Grandma sent him money in the hospital.
But, she didn't tell anyone about it.

When mom and dad got married, each birthday card to my dad was addressed to "son," instead of "son-in-law."

She was accepting of all types of people.

My grandma had a diabetic son, and she never made me feel like a burden when I visited.

She was and still is:

kind,
compassionate.
generous.
loving
AND
fiesty

I would blame my fiestiness on my mom, but she is still living and can defend herself, so I will blame my fiestiness as well as my mom's on Grandma.

I adored my grandma.
And, that is probably an understatement.

I loved my grandma.
I called her often.
I wrote her many letters; including letters telling her that I wanted to come live with her because my parents were soooo mean, (Yes, I wrote these in my journal when I was 8, and I laugh when I re-read them)

She never forgot my birthday.

She came to watch me star as "Snow White," in the community theatre.

My grandma let me come stay with her for weeks at a time. She would drive 2 hours to my house just to pick me up, and then we would make the 2 hour trek back to her house together (and I never went home without having been spoiled rotten.)

She loved me.

And, I love her.

When she passed away, I was heart-broken.
I hung her clothes in my closet, and I would cry as I opened the door, and I could remember the way she smelled.
I drove her Blue Chevy Silverado truck, and I bawled when it was no longer driveable because that represented so much of my time with my grandma.

Each time we pass a February 7,
I think of my grandma, and I celebrate with her favorite flower (yellow roses.)

She would have adored being a great grandmother. And, she would have been great.

I desparately wanted Lincoln to be born on February 7th, as a celebration of two of my favorite people, but I'm sure she wanted me to hold out a little longer, so that necessity called for two celebrations in February; one all for her on the 7th, and one for my sweet boy, Lincoln, on the 8th.

Consequently, I think this is why she also always claimed to have 2 birthdays! (More reasons to celebrate!!!)

Now, Grandma was adopted as a young girl, and, although I know little of her birthparents, I am so grateful for their decision, way back when, to give her a hope for a better world, by placing her for adoption.

I'm grateful to a woman, who loved so freely, and conquered so much.

Now, I cannot help but think that she has somehow been watching over me. I know she smiles kindly at me.

And, I know for certain that:
she would have loved to be around to meet the man of my dreams
scolded me when I was soooooooooooo mean to Lincoln,
and shed tears of joy at the prospect of Henry being adopted into our family.

Grandma, I love you.
I wish you could be here.
I wish you could see how happy David makes me.
I wish you could see how beautiful my Lincoln is.
I wish you could be here to witness the miracle of adoption once again.
I am so grateful for the kind of woman you were.
I miss you.

I love you.

Anxious

Well, Sweet Joanie is due on Sunday.

I keep having dreams about this sweet baby boy who is soon to arrive in the world!

I feel anxious.

Like I did when I was pregnant with Lincoln.

Everytime the phone rings, I hope it's "P," our social worker, telling us it's time.

(heehee...after I wrote all the above information, the phone rang, and it was Joanie....but, she wasn't in labor. She said that she has a doctor's appointment on Monday (MONDAY???THAT'S AFTER SUNDAY) and they will talk about what to do if the baby isn't here yet!)

Anxiously
Waiting

No.

VERY
anxiously
waiting.

Yesterday, today, and forever...

For behold, I am God;

and I am a God of miracles;

and I will show unto the world

that I am the same

yesterday, today, and forever;

(2 Nephi 27:23)


Filling out paperwork for the adoption process is lengthy.

In our case, it took an extra long time.

When our agency said everything would be done mid-october

BUT

then

mid-november

AND

mid-december showed up

and unfulfilled promises kept getting put off

David and I were frustrated.

I admit I was angry.

devastated.

numb.


But, my sweet husband kept reminding me that the Lord had not forgotten us.

So, you can imagine our elation on January 2nd.

Of course, all this joy was only due to the fact that our profile was


LIVE


AND


BIRTHMOTHERS COULD FIND US NOW!


Well, January 30th was an especially emotional day.


I remember .

I had been crying literally all day.

But, by the time my husband came home, I had taken some advice from a friend

and, I had started doing everything I could to


SURVIVE.


MY husband came running when I burst into tears yet again.

When he saw that the cause of the tears was


a letter from our Sweet Joanie;

we wept together.

we sat.

we prayed.

we hugged.

we kissed.


We called her.


She was a miracle from the start.

She began to share her life with us.

The miracle of her decision
has become more and more apparent to me
the more I learn about her.
Joanie is 18.
She lost her mother (who was a single mom) 5 years ago.
Her dad never chose to be in her life (man, he sure missed out)
She was bounced between aunts, uncles, and her grandmother
until she graduated high school.

Her best two friends have tried to convince her to keep this baby

They both have babies.

She is not a member of the church.

BUT, she has faith.

dedication.

and wisdom.

She was pointed to our agency
by another adoptive couple who had been placed with a baby girl.


I became filled with hope.
It was a testimony to me,
that even if it she didn't place with us,
the Lord had not forgotten us.

And, the last week in February, Sweet Joanie invited us to come meet her.


She is beautiful.





On March 1st we were given the opportunity to bear our testimonies to this
brave young woman about her decision.

That was an emotional time that I can never erase from my memory.

We know Marilyn would be proud of her brave young daughter,
and we felt it a privilege
to visit her resting place.
And pay respect to the woman who raised
brave
Joanie.




For behold, I am God;
and I am a God of miracles;
and I will show unto the world
that I am the same
yesterday, today, and forever;
(2 Nephi 27:23)


This we cannot deny.
We know it to be true.
He is living God.
He is a loving Father.
He is the same.

Yesterday, Today, and Forever.

In other words...

YES, I did take Lincoln and his two best friends to play at the mall.

YES, I did let them stand in the rain and admire the little worm.

YES, I did park in this spot.

NO, I AM NOT PREGNANT.

BUT

I am an expectant mother.

We are so grateful to have met Joanie.
We are so blessed that she has chosen to beat the odds.

(More on her to come soon.)

In other words,

She is due in 2 weeks. She is having a boy.

AND

SHE HAS CHOSEN US.

We are so grateful.

We want to thank our Heavenly Father for the miracles He gives us daily to let us know we are not forgotten.

We are grateful for the miracle of adoption.

We are grateful for our families support, prayers, and love.

We love you Joanie.

We are so blessed

My Polar Star

This song has been my constant through the infertility/adoption journey.

I have listened to it...many times...

I memorized it.

I bawled through it.

I screamed through it.

I got in the car and switched stations until I found it.

I have fallen to my knees. trying to understand.

From this song, I have gained strength.

And, I do believe:

It's so easy to get lost inside a problem that seems so big at the time-
It's like a river that's so wide, it swallows you whole.
While you're sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Times flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count
'Cause you can't get it back.

Yes, this song has been my constant.

Through all the uncertainty, the sorrow, and the struggle, I am still learning that:

"We know not all that lies ahead of us. We live in a world of uncertainty. For some, there will be great accomplishment. For others, disappointment. For some, much of rejoicing and gladness, good health, and gracious living. For others, perhaps sickness and a measure of sorrow. We do not know. But one thing we do know. Like the Polar Star in the heavens, regardless of what the future holds, there stands the Redeemer of the world, the Son of God, certain and sure as the anchor of our immortal lives. He is the rock of our salvation, our strength, our comfort, the very focus of our faith." (President Hinckley)

And, even for one

so small,

He is still certain.
He is still sure.

April showers...

Dear Blogging World,

Remember when you were growing up?

And you wanted something, anything, and everything.

Remember having to wait ALL day until you just couldn't wait anymore?

.....and then you waited some more...

and then FINALLY the moment you had been waiting for arrived.........


Stay Tuned.

April will be a perfect month.

April is diamonds, showers, the promise of May flowers.

April will be a perfect month.

Stay tuned.