This post is going to be about
my brothers
revelation
infertility
and a forewarning.
First, the forewarning:
Don't judge me because of this post.
Don't assume that because two of my incredible brothers
just had babies,
that I am feeling sorry for myself.
Don't assume that I am filled with jealousy or envy.
Please understand that infertility is a tender subject;
one that affects the Johnson household;
Second, my brothers:
Realize that my brothers and I are 4 kids in 5 years, and so because of that,
and the fact we are all married,
our lives are all very similar in some ways:
We all have incredible spouses
and agree that my spouse is the best
(haha...if any of my brothers read this, they will totally get it!!!)
We served missions within the same few years
We went to college during some of the same years
we are starting our families at relatively similar times.
This being said,
once again
do not assume that
their happiness is what makes me sad.
Nope, their happiness fills me with happiness.
To be perfectly clear:
Hearing that my little brother Dan, had become a dad,
was a sacred and a beautiful moment.
It made me remember the joy of holding a perfect little baby the first time.
I was overcome with joy.
The tired phone call that included a beautiful giggle from him saying,
"sis, she is so pretty, and we are so happy to have her," made my eyes fill with tears.
My older brother and I got are 12 months and two weeks apart.
We got married two weeks apart.
We became parents within a few months of each other.
When he came to me with a big hug and said,
"You are a mommy,"
I was overcome with joy at the tenderness of the moment.
When he became a daddy,
I knew our sons would be good friends.
We have enjoyed talking about bed time, potty training, and other parenting techniques.
My youngest brother does not have kids yet,
but he almost has a PhD,
and he has Gus Gus.
We love that puppy.
My brother's capacity to love
has always astounded me.
He worked EFY with me
before his mission.
Some may not realize what an incredible and amazing
miracle that is, but EFY as a general rule doesn't hire pre-missionary boys.
His first week, he had naughty naughty boys, that were his same age.
He loved them, and he knew the importance of teaching them simple doctrine.
I know he will be a great dad someday.
Third, revelation and infertility:
The Lord has promised that I will have more kids.
He has been very clear with me about this promise.
For that, I am extremely grateful.
But, last night, I was weary.
I have been ready for another baby
for over a year.
to be perfectly honest, I have been ready for triplets
for 3 years.
I have sincerely asked the Lord for children,
and three quarters of me really believes that 6 at a time would be great.
But, for some reason,
unknown to me
the Lord has withheld the numberless concourses of children in my home.
please don't think for a second that I am showing ingratitude for the incredible, and valiant future missionaries who love the Lord, and are good boys,
that we are raising in our home.
We love them.
We are in love with them.
But, longing sometimes takes over
and, last night I was weary.
I believe that our family will increase soon.
soon, being a relative term,
No, I AM NOT PREGNANT
NO, WE HAVE NOT BEEN CHOSEN BY A BIRTHMOTHER
but,
last night I was tired,
and I wanted specifics.
Yes,
I wanted to know the day we would have another baby.
I wanted an answer last night, within seconds of an Amen.
I wanted to be rid of the trial of patience and faith
(haha!!!)
and just know.
But, the Lord didn't give me that.
He let me cry,
and as I separated myself, for just a moment
from the beautiful blessing of the Holy Ghost,
I realized that I needed to be
humble
patient
full of love
(Yes, thank you King Benjamin)
So,
I apologized,
and then pleaded for those things
that moments earlier
I did not want any part of.
And, today, out of the blue,
He dealt
gently with my longing.
He buoyed me up
amidst the sea of infertility.
He spoke to my heart.
He pierced my soul, and I was flooded
with the overwhelming love that
I pleaded for.
As I sat at the piano and played a song that deals with the changing heart of sin,
I was filled with how the Lord understands
ME.
while I was not in the same position as
perhaps the sinner in the song,
the cure I needed was exactly the same:
LET HIM HEAL YOUR HEART.
Tyler Castleton:
(click on the title to listen to the words)
who can know the heartache you are feeling deep inside
who can know the burdens you've carried all your life?
Darkness fills the daylight and the road is much too long
Where are heaven's answers and the strength to carry on?
when the night is lonely, and your pride and fear depart
when the tears have fallen, and the questions fill your heart
Think of How He loves you, how He longs to bring you home
Reach out for His guidance.
He has walked your path alone.
Let Him heal your heart,
Remember every promise He has made
Reach into your soul,
forsake a life of sin
and, He will shine the light inside again.
Let Him help you start
To live again,
and feel His endless love.
Let Him hold and teach you
Love and reach you
Let Him heal your heart
my brothers
revelation
infertility
and a forewarning.
First, the forewarning:
Don't judge me because of this post.
Don't assume that because two of my incredible brothers
just had babies,
that I am feeling sorry for myself.
Don't assume that I am filled with jealousy or envy.
Please understand that infertility is a tender subject;
one that affects the Johnson household;
Second, my brothers:
Realize that my brothers and I are 4 kids in 5 years, and so because of that,
and the fact we are all married,
our lives are all very similar in some ways:
We all have incredible spouses
and agree that my spouse is the best
(haha...if any of my brothers read this, they will totally get it!!!)
We served missions within the same few years
We went to college during some of the same years
we are starting our families at relatively similar times.
This being said,
once again
do not assume that
their happiness is what makes me sad.
Nope, their happiness fills me with happiness.
To be perfectly clear:
Hearing that my little brother Dan, had become a dad,
was a sacred and a beautiful moment.
It made me remember the joy of holding a perfect little baby the first time.
I was overcome with joy.
The tired phone call that included a beautiful giggle from him saying,
"sis, she is so pretty, and we are so happy to have her," made my eyes fill with tears.
My older brother and I got are 12 months and two weeks apart.
We got married two weeks apart.
We became parents within a few months of each other.
When he came to me with a big hug and said,
"You are a mommy,"
I was overcome with joy at the tenderness of the moment.
When he became a daddy,
I knew our sons would be good friends.
We have enjoyed talking about bed time, potty training, and other parenting techniques.
My youngest brother does not have kids yet,
but he almost has a PhD,
and he has Gus Gus.
We love that puppy.
My brother's capacity to love
has always astounded me.
He worked EFY with me
before his mission.
Some may not realize what an incredible and amazing
miracle that is, but EFY as a general rule doesn't hire pre-missionary boys.
His first week, he had naughty naughty boys, that were his same age.
He loved them, and he knew the importance of teaching them simple doctrine.
I know he will be a great dad someday.
Third, revelation and infertility:
The Lord has promised that I will have more kids.
He has been very clear with me about this promise.
For that, I am extremely grateful.
But, last night, I was weary.
I have been ready for another baby
for over a year.
to be perfectly honest, I have been ready for triplets
for 3 years.
I have sincerely asked the Lord for children,
and three quarters of me really believes that 6 at a time would be great.
But, for some reason,
unknown to me
the Lord has withheld the numberless concourses of children in my home.
please don't think for a second that I am showing ingratitude for the incredible, and valiant future missionaries who love the Lord, and are good boys,
that we are raising in our home.
We love them.
We are in love with them.
But, longing sometimes takes over
and, last night I was weary.
I believe that our family will increase soon.
soon, being a relative term,
No, I AM NOT PREGNANT
NO, WE HAVE NOT BEEN CHOSEN BY A BIRTHMOTHER
but,
last night I was tired,
and I wanted specifics.
Yes,
I wanted to know the day we would have another baby.
I wanted an answer last night, within seconds of an Amen.
I wanted to be rid of the trial of patience and faith
(haha!!!)
and just know.
But, the Lord didn't give me that.
He let me cry,
and as I separated myself, for just a moment
from the beautiful blessing of the Holy Ghost,
I realized that I needed to be
humble
patient
full of love
(Yes, thank you King Benjamin)
So,
I apologized,
and then pleaded for those things
that moments earlier
I did not want any part of.
And, today, out of the blue,
He dealt
gently with my longing.
He buoyed me up
amidst the sea of infertility.
He spoke to my heart.
He pierced my soul, and I was flooded
with the overwhelming love that
I pleaded for.
As I sat at the piano and played a song that deals with the changing heart of sin,
I was filled with how the Lord understands
ME.
while I was not in the same position as
perhaps the sinner in the song,
the cure I needed was exactly the same:
LET HIM HEAL YOUR HEART.
Tyler Castleton:
(click on the title to listen to the words)
who can know the heartache you are feeling deep inside
who can know the burdens you've carried all your life?
Darkness fills the daylight and the road is much too long
Where are heaven's answers and the strength to carry on?
when the night is lonely, and your pride and fear depart
when the tears have fallen, and the questions fill your heart
Think of How He loves you, how He longs to bring you home
Reach out for His guidance.
He has walked your path alone.
Let Him heal your heart,
Remember every promise He has made
Reach into your soul,
forsake a life of sin
and, He will shine the light inside again.
Let Him help you start
To live again,
and feel His endless love.
Let Him hold and teach you
Love and reach you
Let Him heal your heart
10 comments:
Thanks for this post, Brady, and reminding me how important it is to remember the wonderful blessings in my life and how the Lord does answer my prayers and earnest desires, even when I think He isn't.
And I absolutely love that song. It has been a comfort to me many times over the years.
I understand. And even though you may feel super low and having a hard time, you still stand as a shining example to me. Stay strong!!
I love you sweetheart. You have more faith than anyone I know. You are a wonderful companion and a spectacular mother to our two angel boys. I love you!
I wanted to share this blog with you. It's one of my dearest friends from HS and her journey of adoption.
Sorry, I forgot the link... http://kohlbacherclan.blogspot.com/
We love you! We are so very blessed to have you in our family!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is helpful to me to understand adoption from the perspective of couples who adopt. I only know how it feels to be the birth-mother and it's easy to get sucked into the sorrow I feel. Reading your blog is a reminder to me how amazing adoption is. It's all about love, it really is and couples who adopt are answers to the prayers of girls like me who found themselves in a situation they never planned for and were desperately looking for a safe-haven for their child to grow up in. You offer the safety and security and happiness we (birth-mothers) can't immediately provide, you are a blessing. You are an angel. Thank you.
You are amazing! We love you so much!
Dear Brandi,
While I cannot relate to the specific trial that you are facing, I understand how devastating it can be to feel so alone. Sister Traynor used to sing a song, "You're Not Alone," and it used to bring me the same comfort that you received from listening to the song you mentioned.
I love you and while I know that means a lot to you...sometimes it isn't enough to fill that void...that aching deep within.
Thank you for being my daughter...and for being you. Thank you for bringing me two very special little boys to love.
And David too. I feel truly blessed.
Post a Comment